


Wait For Me

by whiry



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana Beck & Connor Murphy Friendship, Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman Friendship, Alive Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Evan Hansen, Artist Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Awkwardness, Bipolar Disorder, Bisexual Connor Murphy, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Bisexual Jared Kleinman, Bisexual Zoe Murphy, But only a little, Christmas Eve, Christmas Fluff, Christmas Presents, Coming Out, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Bonding, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Reconciliation, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Being an Asshole, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Cynthia Murphy Is a Good Mother, Cynthia Murphy Tries, Depressed Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Depression, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy Friendship, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman Friendship, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy Friendship, Eventual Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Good Boyfriend Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Good Boyfriend Jared Kleinman, Halloween, Halloween Costumes, Hanukkah, Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, Heidi Hansen Tries, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Insecure Jared Kleinman, Jared Kleinman Being an Asshole, Jared Kleinman Has Two Moms, Jared Kleinman Tries, Jewish Evan Hansen, Jewish Jared Kleinman, Larry Murphy Tries (Dear Evan Hansen), Lesbian Alana Beck, Love Confessions, M/M, New Year's Kiss, POV Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), POV Evan Hansen, Pining Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Pining Evan Hansen, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, The Orchard, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Treebros, Underage Drinking, Writer Evan Hansen, bipolar connor murphy, but is it really an au if the whole thing is originally set in high school?, but it's referenced more than anything, but not explicitly stated or anything, depressed evan hansen, evan hansen being an asshole, i'll try to update as i go, in the most unspectacular fashion, kind of, literally everyone is bisexual my bad, only a little bit, tetris - Freeform, there's a lot of tags, underage warning is not explicit but i thought i should add it anyway, writer connor murphy, Á La Mode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-10
Packaged: 2020-10-05 00:06:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 15
Words: 54,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20479694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiry/pseuds/whiry
Summary: Connor is storming away again, clutching Evan’s letter in his fist and Evan tries to yell after him and plead for it back, but Connor seems like he’s on a mission. And, thankfully, he didn’t hit Evan, so Evan doesn’t feel like he needs to chase after Connor, but then again: he has Evan’s letter. And that letter is more personal than it usually would be and now Connor Murphy has it and it directly talks about Zoe Murphy and if Connor is as bad as everyone says he is, it will be plastered all over social media tomorrow, if not printed out and hung in the hallways for everyone to see and laugh at.Evan makes a decision.He chases after Connor.+++or the one where Evan explains himself to Connor and they become friends.





	1. one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! thank you for reading!
> 
> any warnings that i can think of: mentions of a previous suicide attempt and a lot of dark thinking (i'm sorry it just happened honestly), a lot of swearing (it's Connor, after all), and a lot of awkward stuttering (it's Evan, after all), and spoilers for the ending of To Kill A Mockingbird!!!
> 
> and i will add any tags or archive warnings as i go!

It starts senior year. Evan’s day is almost like any other, except not really, because today not only is it his _first_ day of senior year, but he now also owes a letter to this doctor that his mom pays to listen to his bullshit problems and give him bullshit methods to try to work through said problems that might work for a normal person, but definitely don’t work for Evan. The part of his arm obscured by his cast itches like crazy, too, and that only adds to his discomfort.

So maybe today isn’t that normal, because normally he wouldn’t try to talk to people, and normally people wouldn’t talk to him, but it’s only 7:15 and already Evan has talked to two people (granted one was Alana Beck, who really was talking at him, and the other is Jared Kleinman, who is currently locked in a poor stare-off with Connor Murphy of all people—and Evan kind of feels bad for Connor because he doesn’t really deserve half the shit people say about him and the other half is, well, mainly hearsay with an occasional sprinkle of truth, but Connor seems like he’s just trying to get through his life and Evan really understands that in more ways than he could possibly say). And now there’s the three of them, standing in a weird and vertical isosceles triangle formation, all just staring. It feels like it’s been years of this, but then Jared laughs nervously and delivers a final insult to Connor and scampers away and then it’s just the two of them.

Evan was kind of laughing too, more because of nerves than the situation, but all Connor hears is laughter—or the echoes of Evan’s laughter because he is definitely not laughing anymore—and he’s up in Evan’s space before Evan even knows what’s going on and they’re talking—or more like Connor is yelling at Evan and Evan is backpedaling as fast as he can but it isn’t enough and suddenly he’s being pushed to the floor and he turns at the last second to instinctively protect his broken arm and then he’s just lying there and Connor is storming away but he doesn’t really look okay and Evan definitely doesn’t feel okay and this is all too much for a Wednesday morning.

Evan’s just lying there, in the middle of the hall, thinking that maybe if he could just die, maybe if he _had_ just died, that he wouldn’t feel as terrible as he does right now. If he had just gone a little higher, maybe jumped farther, maybe found some other way to have done it, some easier or cleaner method. He would’ve been buried by now, if that was the case, he would’ve had a funeral that his mom would have come to, and maybe Jared’s parents would have forced him to go, and maybe his dad would’ve flown in for once. Or probably not, because who is he kidding, he’s just a disappointment anyway.

“Are you all right?”

Evan looks up and it’s Zoe Murphy of all people, the same girl that Evan has fantasized about for God knows how many years and she’s just standing there with something that might be concern on her face and staring at him and he’s just sitting on the floor, staring back up at her like an absolute idiot.

“I’m fine,” he replies, like an idiot.

“I’m sorry about my brother. He’s a psychopath.”

“Yeah. No. We were just messing around.”

She nods and gives him a strange look. “So, is it comfortable down there on the floor or…?”

Evan all but jumps to his feet in an attempt to make it seem like he knows what he’s doing with his life. But he just looks at her, because he can’t believe that Zoe Murphy is talking to him.

“Evan, right?” She says.

“Evan,” he repeats dumbly.

“That’s your name?” Zoe’s eyebrows pull together and, wow, she is beautiful and kind even when talking to someone as lowly as Evan.

“Yes, it is, it’s Evan. Sorry.” The words come out really fast and louder than he means and he kind of says them, like, into his palm before pushing that palm toward Zoe and he berates himself for acting so dumb, continuing to act dumb.

“Why are you sorry?”

“Well, because you said Evan, and then I said it—I repeated it, which is—just—that is so annoying when people do that, so.”

“Oh. I’m Zoe,” she says, putting out her hand for a handshake and Evan panics because he was just on the floor and his hands are sweaty and then the dirt and gunk from the floor is now probably all over his hands and he can’t possibly shake her hand when his hand’s all gross like it is. So he waves his hand around, and that only makes things more awkward, but he tries to soldier on.

“Yes, no, I know.” Like that doesn’t make it awkward.

“You know?” She questions, and Evan scrunches his face up.

“No, you know, just I’ve seen you play guitar in jazz band. I love jazz band. I love jazz. Well, not all jazz, but definitely, like, jazz band jazz. That’s so weird, I’m sorry.”

Zoe laughs, but Evan feels like he can’t even enjoy the sound because it’s at his expense. “You apologize a lot,” she notes.

“Sorry,” he laugh-says, and then, “I mean, you know what I mean.” He picks at his cast. He’s more than ready for this conversation to be over, because he doesn’t really want to find out how it can get worse (although he knows that it definitely can and will get worse if one of them doesn’t leave soon, and Evan is far too nervous to be the first to go, so he’s banking on Zoe realizing that he’s a loser and running away from him).

“Okay, well,” she starts after the silence has gone on for a little too long, but Evan isn’t done ruining things yet.

“You don’t wanna sign my cast, do you?” he blurts, and she’s turning halfway through the sentence and starts speaking herself.

“What?”

“What’d you say?” Evan asks loudly over her, and he feels sometimes like he can’t control a part of himself and that’s why, when he actually gets the courage to speak, he just blurts shit out and has no regard for actually saying anything worthwhile.

“I didn’t say anything, you said something,” Zoe says. Evan looks behind him.

“No, wha—me? No way… José.”

“Okay, José,” Zoe responds, giving him a little thumbs up before turning around and heading down the hall, probably toward her first class or maybe just to the furthest place from Evan and while it is such a relief to not be talking to her anymore, he also feels like he might cry or something and he doesn’t really understand why he’s feeling that particular emotion, so he shoulders his backpack and makes a small attempt at clearing away the ball in his throat, and heads toward his first class. Maybe, if he pretends hard enough, he can just disappear into the background until the next time he’s required to speak. Which, after this morning, hopefully isn’t for a long time.

+++

At the end of the day, Evan finds himself on the phone with his mom. She’s working, again, which is really no surprise, and he’ll be alone tonight, again, and have to take the bus to this therapy appointment that he doesn’t even want, but he goes because it makes her happier. If only it could make him happier, too.

He hangs up, types what has to be the truest and most real letter to himself he has ever written, and he hits print and stands up and turns around and runs into Connor Murphy of all people. He flinches, but Connor is just standing there, kind of awkwardly, actually.

“So, um, what happened to your arm?” Connor asks, pointing at Evan’s cast. They’re not actually standing that close, it’s just the looming presence of Connor that scares Evan. Evan vaguely grabs at the cast, like he’s making sure it’s still there, and kind of waves a hand.

“Oh, I, um, I fell out of a tree, actually,” he says, staring down at the blank cast. It’s like all the empty space is mocking him.

“Fell out of a tree?” Connor echoes.

“Yeah.”

“Well, that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard, oh my God,” Connor laughs. Evan laughs back, but it’s not really funny.

“I know,” he admits.

“Take my advice. You should make up a better story.”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Just say you were battling some racist dude,” Connor says quietly.

“What?”

“To kill a mockingbird,” Connor offers.

“To kill—oh, you mean the book?”

“Yeah,” he replies. “At the end, remember? Jem and Scout are running away from that redneck guy. He breaks Jem’s arm. It’s, like, a battle wound.”

Evan is surprised to hear that Connor’s read _To Kill a Mockingbird_, but also, maybe he’s not, really. Connor seems like one of those quiet smart types, even though everyone always calls him the school stoner. Evan thinks that you can probably do drugs and still be smart (just maybe not the best at making smart choices).

Connor tucks his long hair behind his ear, nodding toward Evan’s arm again. “Um, no one’s, uh, signed your cast.”

“No, I know.”

“Well, I’ll sign it.”

“Oh, you don’t—you don’t have to,” Evan shakes his head. Connor shrugs.

“Do you have a Sharpie?”

Evan fishes it out of his front pocket, the same one his mom gave him that morning, still unused. He passes it to Connor, who bites off the cap and takes Evan’s broken arm. It’s harsher than he’s expecting and he lets out an “Ow,” and Connor does a little wince, like he’s saying sorry, and then he’s writing, in the biggest possible letters, his name. He talks half a step back when he’s finished, viewing his masterpiece.

“Oh, great, thanks,” Evan says, staring at his cast. Connor nods, capping the marker and handing it back to Evan.

“Yeah, well, now we can both pretend we have friends.” He’s picking at his black nail polish, a little somber, before he straightens up. Evan feels like he could bristle at that comment, except it is entirely true and it kind of hurts how right Connor is, so he just nods.

“Good point.” They make eye contact for just a moment before Evan is quickly looking down back at his cast, and makes a gesture like he’s going to leave, but Connor stops him.

“Is this yours?” He asks a little loudly. “Um, I found it on the printer. It’s—it’s, uh, ‘Dear Evan Hansen.’ That’s your name, right?” Connor gives this smile to Evan as he’s stretching the paper out, and it kind of reminds Evan of Zoe’s smile and he feels his stomach clench in a way that it doesn’t normally clench in—which he definitely should investigate later, because what the hell?—and then he sees Connor glance down at the paper and he has to say something before Connor reads it.

“Oh, yeah, no, no, no, no, that’s just a stupid—it’s just this paper that I have to write. So, it’s—it’s for an assignment,” Evan stutters, but it’s too late and Connor has definitely spotted Zoe’s name and he has pulled the paper closer out of Evan’s grasp and he’s reading it with a dark expression.

“ ‘Because there’s Zoe.’ ” Evan tugs on his shirt and then Connor is finally looking up at him and he’s clearly trying to keep it together, but he’s not doing too great of a job and Evan feels like he could explode. “Um, is this about my sister?”

“No, no, no, no,” Evan says again, trying to grab the paper. Connor holds it out of his reach.

“You wrote this because you knew that I would find it,” Connor decides.

“What?” Evan is truly lost now.

“Yeah, you, uh, you saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed this out so that I would find it.”

“Why, uh, why would I do that?”

Now Connor is losing it. “So that I could read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister and freak out, right?! And then you could tell everybody that I’m crazy!”

“W-what?”

“Right?!”

“No!”

“Fuck you!”

Connor is storming away again, clutching Evan’s letter in his fist and Evan tries to yell after him and plead for it back, but Connor seems like he’s on a mission. And, thankfully, he didn’t hit Evan, so Evan doesn’t feel like he needs to chase after Connor, but then again: he has Evan’s letter. And that letter is more personal than it usually would be and now Connor Murphy has it and it directly talks about Zoe Murphy and if Connor is as bad as everyone says he is, it will be plastered all over social media tomorrow, if not printed out and hung in the hallways for everyone to see and laugh at.

Evan makes a decision.

He chases after Connor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i realize belatedly that i use run-on sentences and commas, the words "and" and "just" and "really", and tend too not make sense way too much. i apologize. other than that, you may notice that some of the dialogue doesn't completely match the musical, and that's because i kind of mashed-up the book and the musical together, and, if you've read the book, you may notice that later on as well.
> 
> i also just want to say that i kind of crashed into this fandom in a blaze of glory, for lack of a better term. something with all this struck a chord in me, and i don't know why but i just fell in love with everything about both the musical and the book. i read the whole book in a night, spent the next week listening to the soundtrack on repeat, and then started writing this behemoth. suffice to say, i'm hooked, and i care a lot about this. i hope you guys do too. :)
> 
> (also! the title for the work itself (wait for me) is actually a song from Hadestown the musical which i highly recommend. the original version is really good, but the reprise and Eva Noblezada's incredible vocals just blow me away. i've literally spent hours listening to her one verse at the end. i highly highly recommend it!)


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He gets to his room and shuts the door and sits against it and just breathes. It’s days like this that he wishes he had someone to talk to. He’s not sure what he would say, but maybe if he just had someone, they could just sit there and exist together. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so alone in a crowded room if there was someone familiar at his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm going to post out a few chapters in order to motivate myself to finish the rest of it. please enjoy!
> 
> any warnings i can think of: um maybe some dark thinking but it's not that bad (and might i just say that these boys are both really depressed, so probably every chapter will have a warning of this caliber), and that's about it
> 
> also! i don't have a beta so all mistakes are my own! if you notice anything, please tell me and i will happily fix it!

Connor has just pushed out into the student parking lot when Evan Hansen catches up to him. He’s still clutching the fucking letter that Evan wrote, and he thinks that that’s probably why Evan is even there.

“Wait!” He calls after Connor, but Connor starts walking a little faster. Not like he has a car to walk to, after he crashed it last November. Zoe’s been the one driving him to school, which is embarrassing enough as it is, and then she plays her stupid fucking music that he can’t stand and right now he feels like he’s gonna lose his mind if he has to think about a single other thing.

“Connor, please!” Evan says desperately. He’s trailing pathetically after Connor and, honestly, he doesn’t know what compels him, but he gives in and turns around. Evan almost runs into him, but quickly pulls back, like he’s afraid of Connor. And that just—that really pisses Connor off, because he’s not gonna go ballistic if someone bumps into him. But maybe it’s just better this way. This way no way approaches him, no one talks to him, no one can be disappointed in him. But they’re all afraid.

“I, please, I didn’t write that for you to find,” Evan tries to explain. Connor furrows his brows. Why the fuck else would Evan write it? Granted, he doesn’t seem like the type to be particularly vindictive, but he is friends with Jared Kleinman, who is a fucking ass, and Connor doesn’t trust anybody. Everyone is capable of something. He’s learned that the hard way.

“Why the fuck would you write it? What does it even mean?” Connor spits out.

“It’s, oh God, it’s for t-therapy.”

Connor knits his eyebrows together. “Therapy?”

“Yeah, I, uh, go to therapy and he gives me these assignments and you know they’re all: Dear Evan Hansen, today’s going to be an amazing day and here’s why. Every one, and then I wrote that one—that one is obviously not the same, but I was just upset so I wrote it, and I didn’t think there was anybody in the computer lab and I didn’t write it because you were there. I-I just thought I was alone. I wrote it because I have this dumb crush on Zoe—” and he really rushes that last bit, but Connor hears it nonetheless “—and I was just venting and I wanted someone to talk to and I never meant for anyone else to read that letter and I’m sorry, I wasn’t implying anything about you and I don’t think all that stuff that everyone thinks and I wasn’t trying to get a rise out of you or anything. I sw—I swear.”

Connor stares at Evan, who is clearly a nervous fucking wreck, and bites the inside of his lip. Why should he trust this loser? Which, yeah, him and Evan are probably the same amount of unpopular, but still, who the fuck is Evan Hansen anyway? And then he says that he has some pervy crush on Zoe regardless, and just because Zoe and Connor don’t get along doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care whether or not weirdos are pining after her.

But he sighs. He’s so tired of this. “Okay,” he says.

  
Evan leans back, shock written all over his face. “O-okay?”

Connor thrusts the letter back into Evan’s chest. “Whatever. But leave Zoe the fuck alone. Me too, for that matter.”

“I…” Evan takes the letter reluctantly and stares at it a moment before looking back up at Connor. There’s something in his gaze that makes Connor kind of squirm, but he tries to hold his own. “Thank you, Connor,” he breathes. Connor swallows and crosses his arms over his chest.

“I mean it, Hansen. Leave us alone,” he repeats, turning on his heel and starting off in the direction of Zoe’s car.

“Connor!” Evan calls. Connor glances over his shoulder. There’s only a few more feet between him, and yet it still feels too intimate.

“What,” Connor forces out, now shoving his hands in his pockets. He’s feeling really exposed, and any minute now the music kids and the sports kids are all going to get out and Connor would rather be strategically ducking behind Zoe’s car than standing out here in the open like a jackass.

“I—What everyone says about you,” he starts, and Connor must pull a face reflexively because Evan holds his hands up like he’s calming a wild animal. “I just… It’s not true, you know? I mean, I’m sure you know, but, like, they’re just… Assholes.”

“Like your friend?” Connor kind of spits out the word friend and he doesn’t mean to, but he doesn’t like that Evan is trying to be nice. He doesn’t trust it.

“He’s… Yeah, no, he’s an asshole,” Evan says with a decisive head nod. “And I’m sorry that you have to put up with that. It’s not fair.”

Connor pauses again, because why is Evan even bothering to apologize? He doesn’t really understand any of this and he thinks that maybe he could tolerate this if he was still high, but that wore off hours ago and now he’s just tired and has a headache and can’t think straight.

“I’ll see you later, Hansen,” he responds after a couple minutes. Evan just gives him quick and nervous little nods, and awkwardly turns around, heading back toward the direction of the school. Connor lets out a breath and heads toward Zoe’s car. She’ll be out any minute, and then he can just go home and pretend he doesn’t exist.

+++

“You look like shit,” Zoe says as she approaches the car, guitar case in her hand. Connor remembers when she got this guitar when she was, like, eleven, and her and Connor stayed up all night decorating the guitar and the guitar case and their parents were so mad that they had practically destroyed something so expensive, but Zoe was so in love with it and told Connor she would never ever get rid of it. Despite everything, she still hasn’t.

“Fuck you,” Connor says. It’s a default emotion. Zoe’s not even phased. She just unlocks the car and moves toward the back to put her guitar away. Connor climbs into the passenger seat, turning his music up and all together ignoring everything.

Zoe gets in and yanks his earbud out. “Hey!” He hisses.

“I saw you push that kid earlier,” she says. He doesn’t know why she cares, because he would bet a lot of money that she doesn’t even know Evan Hansen. Not that Connor does, but he feels like right now, he knows him better than she does.

“And?” He wonders what the fuck her point is.

“Why are you such an asshole?” She snaps. She’s started the car and is reversing now, focusing on her mirrors more than him, but he still feels a small part of him internally recoil. He wishes he wasn’t a dick, really, he does, but sometimes he just gets so mad and he does everything so impulsively and he doesn’t mean it, but it just happens, and he feels like there’s nothing he can do but watch.

He pauses, takes a breath, and pretends he doesn’t care.

“Why are you such a bitch?” He returns, putting his earbud back in. She doesn’t need to know about the computer lab or the parking lot. She doesn’t need to know anything. He’ll just pretend nothing’s happened and maybe, by tomorrow, it’ll all blow over. Part of him prays she just doesn’t say anything to his parents. He’s not sure he could handle his mom’s disappointed look right now. She tries pretty hard for a waste of space like him.

Zoe scoffs, putting the car in drive and pulling away, down the aisles, and out of the parking lot. She doesn’t say anything back, just turns the music in the car up so it’s louder than Connor’s headphones. He pretends not to notice.

When they get home, Zoe immediately parks the car and jumps out to get her guitar case, slamming her door. Connor gets out and slams his door, too, and stomps inside, pretending he can’t hear his mom’s calls.

He gets to his room and shuts the door and sits against it and just breathes. It’s days like this that he wishes he had someone to talk to. He’s not sure what he would say, but maybe if he just had _someone_, they could just sit there and exist together. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so alone in a crowded room if there was someone familiar at his side.

His mom knocks on the door. She has these soft and gentle knocks, even when she’s mad. Maybe she’s too good for him. Probably.

Connor takes his headphones out of his ears and moves away from the door, scooting over so he’s leaning against the edge of the bed. “Come in,” he says, messing with his phone, closing apps or checking notifications that don’t exist just so he has something to do with his hands.

She opens the door, gives him a warm smile. “How was your first day?”

“It was okay,” he replies, crossing his legs. He thinks maybe he’ll find a book he hasn’t read yet, lose himself there. It’s the easiest, and cheaper than getting higher. Besides, he’s not really sure he can be present anymore. He’s done enough today.

“Just okay?” She’s always been the type to just push through and keep going. She never let anything get to her, just keep digging and digging and digging until there was nothing left. And then she’d move on and start digging again. He never understood that. He’d rather let sleeping dogs lie. Maybe lay down and sleep beside them.

“Just okay,” he confirms. She nods, silently thinking. She looks around his room, gesturing at some of the mess he has.

“Maybe you could give your room a shot,” she suggests. There’s books tightly shoved on the bookshelf, loose articles of clothing scattered everywhere, his sketchbook and watercolors open on his desk with a cup of paint water next to it (despite this, he can’t remember when he last painted, so something is definitely growing in that cup). He could clean, but he feels like he doesn’t have energy. He feels drained. He always feels drained.

“Maybe,” he amends. His mom smiles like she’s just been given the world’s greatest gift. It makes him feel like shit, but at least she’s happy, even if it’s just for the next 30 minutes.

“Okay, good! I’m thinking about chicken alfredo for dinner, does that sound good?”

“Sure, Mom.” She heads for the door, but glances back at Connor last minute.

“I love you, sweetie,” she says, and he feels something in him simultaneously break and be stitched back together.

“I love you, too,” he says, and he means it. She must know, because her eyes are a little watery, but she just nods and heads out of his room and closes the door behind her. Connor tilts to his left and crashes onto the floor and sighs, thinking maybe he’ll just take a nap and wait for tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know there's literally only been two chapters, one from each point of view, but i wanted to talk about what i tried to do with each perspective. for evan, i've been trying to write more frantic or long and rambling to show how his mind is constantly riddled with anxiety. i also use less swears or highlight things that are important to evan specifically. for connor, i try to write more angry and short, only rambling when he starts feeling overwhelmed by emotions. he also has a tendency to swear more, which i've tried to reflect in my writing. it's very subtle, i think, and i'm not sure if anyone will catch it, but i'm pretty proud of it, especially in later chapters.
> 
> (also, as i've been reading these back, i've noticed how much my writing style changes over the few days that i've been writing this and it really reflects my mood. oops lol)


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He doesn’t really know or understand why, but he feels like he should try to make Connor happier, or at least feel a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> any warnings i can think of: jared's kind of a bully, references to a panic attack and the build up to one but it doesn't happen on-screen, evan panicking about various things and having some kind of dark thoughts
> 
> all mistakes are my own! please let me know if something is wrong/doesn't make sense!

Evan spent most of Wednesday stressing out about the whole Connor situation. His mom didn’t get home until late, so he didn’t really have to explain anything to her. He probably didn’t go to bed that night until two or so in the morning, and when he wakes up Thursday, all he can think about it how great it would be if today sucked less than yesterday.

Connor gave him the note back, that’s definitely a positive. And he apologized and sort of had a conversation with Connor, something he didn’t think he was capable of doing. And, yeah, he dry heaved in the school bathroom before getting on the bus to his therapist appointment (where he surely did not talk about any of his real issues, and instead had no real letter to turn in and was met with disappointment which was part of the reason he stayed up so late and another part of the reason why he didn’t eat dinner because his stomach kept churning in anxious knots), but at least he did it. And Connor seemed less unhappy after the conversation, so maybe it was a good thing. Maybe he did something right for once.

“Honey,” his mom calls, opening the door to his room. He’s tried to ask her as politely as he can for her to knock before entering, but she’s always so busy that she forgets, she just rushes in to say whatever needs to be said and then rushes back out. “Oh, good, you’re awake.”

Technically, he’s pretty much been awake this entire time. Sure, he slept for maybe two hours in the night, but he was up most of the time thinking about how awful everything is right now, being worried about what would come Thursday. Now he stands in front of his bed, dressed and ready for school, but just stuck in place, afraid to move. He’s not sure what’s going to happen when he goes to school, and that’s the worst part of it all. The unknown.

But, “Yeah,” is all he says, and then he’s moving, unfrozen and able to pick up his bag and swing it over his shoulder. He thinks he can hear his stomach rumble, but the idea of food makes him feel nauseous, so he prays Heidi didn’t hear it.

“I can make you some toast, if you want.” She definitely heard. The ‘if you want’ is there more for show than anything. She’ll try to make him eat.

“Okay.” He can always throw it out.

They move together downstairs and into the small kitchen. Evan focuses on the dining room chairs, on the legs of the chairs that are striped red and green and blue from when Evan used to doodle on them as a kid. It’s one of the things that he kind of likes about the house, one of the things that makes it feel more like a home.

“Here, Evan,” Heidi says as she pushes a plate with two pieces of toast on it, all buttered and everything. He wonders how long he zoned out—not that toast takes forever to make, obviously, but how much of his day does he lose to staring and thinking. Probably way too much.

“Thanks, mom.”

“Of course, baby. So, did you and Dr. Sherman have a good session?”

Evan hesitates. He could lie and say they did, and relatively speaking it was a good session, but they didn’t actually, like, talk about anything. It was more Evan speaking in vague circles and Dr. Sherman giving him vague responses and both of them leaving probably feeling no different and like they just wasted an hour of their lives. He’s trying not to be negative, though.

“It was okay.”

“Just okay?” She asks.

“Just okay,” he echoes. She hums and nods, not upset necessarily, but definitely not ecstatic at the news. She glances at her watch and swears, leaning forward to smack a kiss on Evan’s cheek.

“Shit, I gotta go, honey. I’ll call you later, okay?” She’s out the door before he can respond. He stares at the toast and reaches up to rub away her lip gloss. Then he heads for the door, leaving the plate and toast where it is. It’s not like she’ll be home before him, anyway.

+++

The walk to school is always comforting, mainly because Evan just listens to the sounds of nature as he walks. And the walk is only fifteen or twenty minutes maybe, so it’s not too far or too strenuous, and it’s only bad when it starts snowing, but Jared’s mom makes him pick Evan up in the winter.

So he walks and enjoys the sound of the outdoors and takes his time. He thinks of what awaits him at school, and despite all his classes and him not talking to anybody or really having any friends, his biggest concern is Connor Murphy. They had two not-so-great experiences yesterday, and then he chased after him in the parking lot and he had said a lot of stuff and he meant all of it and Connor just kind of took it in, not necessarily pushing Evan away, but also not becoming his best friend. And Evan wasn’t expecting something crazy to happen, like them becoming friends, but he just wanted confirmation that Connor wasn’t going to do or say anything to Zoe. He’s panicking and he can’t stop it.

By the time he gets to school, his normally peaceful walk has become a panic-fueled nightmare. He knows logically that he is going to see Connor and probably Zoe today, and he thinks maybe he could try to talk to Connor again, but, then again, he doesn’t even know what he would say. And he tried winging it yesterday and that didn’t really work out and he ended up being physically sick afterward anyway so what good was it.

He makes his way through the hallways, heading toward his locker. Then he spots Jared and he feels his shoulders sag in relief.

“Jared,” he says when he gets close enough. Jared glances up from where he’s texting on his phone. He then gives Evan a look.

“Why do you look like shit?” Jared asks bluntly. Evan pauses. He’s used to Jared’s no-filter, but he can’t always handle it. He tugs on his shirt, trying to straighten it.

“I didn’t sleep much last night,” he admits, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. Jared smirks.

“Too busy wanking one out to your Zoe Murphy shrine?” he teases. If Evan and Jared were actually friends, Evan might shove at Jared or joke back with him. But they’re not. So he just nervously laughs.

“Sort of,” he says. He was definitely up all night thinking of a Murphy, it just wasn’t Zoe. But Jared definitely doesn’t need to know that.

“Oh, look,” Jared says, gesturing at something behind Evan. “School shooter’s back.” Evan scowls at the nickname but says nothing. He glances back to see Connor Murphy walking down the hall in all dark clothes, headphones in and paying little attention to his surroundings. Evan feels like this is his chance, to say or maybe do something, to get in Connor’s good graces. He pulls bravery out of nowhere, squares his shoulders, and waves at Connor. Connor catches the movement and, though he furrows his brows, he sends a little wave back at Evan. Evan feels something in his chest tighten, and he feels lighter. But it lasts for literally a second.

“What the fuck was that?” Jared demands, staring at Evan. He slaps Evan’s hand down, and Evan didn’t realize he was still holding it up. “Are you fucking crazy?”

“What?”

“Waving at Connor fucking Murphy? Are you batshit, dude, what the hell?”

Evan shrugs. “We’re… He’s cool.”

“Cool? Fucking cool?”

“Jared,” Evan says, a little exasperated at how Jared is acting. “He’s just a guy. What’s your problem?”

“My problem is that he’s a fucking psychopath and he shoved you yesterday—which, yeah, I heard about—and now you’re all buddy-buddy? Are you that desperate for a friend?” Jared’s words bite, but Evan’s used to it. He squirms a little, staring down the hallway after Connor and not saying anything. Jared huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. “Whatever,” he grumbles, walking away from Evan, leaving him alone. Evan tries to calm his breathing, but he hates when people walk away from him, especially when they leave angry and he still doesn’t really understand why Jared is so pissed and he kind of feels like he can’t breathe right now, but, no, he cannot have a panic attack right now. Not here, at least.

He adjusts his backpack and heads toward the nearest bathroom to breakdown.

+++

Evan doesn’t actually have any classes with Connor Murphy, but he does have one with Jared, that being government. Him and Jared usually sit next to each other, even if Jared makes crass or rude comments to him all throughout class, at least he had someone to sit beside him. Today, however, Jared sits closer to the front. He’s scowling and doesn’t look at Evan when he enters the classroom. So Evan sits in his usual back corner seat and pretends it doesn’t hurt as much as it really does. He doesn’t need a second panic attack in less than four hours.

The class drags on until, thank God, it finally ends and the bell for lunch rings and Evan waits until the classroom has mainly cleared out to start getting his stuff ready. He doesn’t see Jared leave, but him leaving without poking fun at Evan still hurts.

The problem with lunch is, beside all the kids and the noises and everything, that him and Jared used to mainly sit together. There was a lot of complaining on Jared’s end, but he usually put up with Evan. Now Evan is just standing in the throng of his classmates, holding his lunch tray and praying that a bolt of lightning strikes him before he has to do something like sit down or talk to someone. And then suddenly a shadow is looming over him and part of him thinks, _Thank God_, and he’s not really sure why he thinks that, but he looks up and it’s Connor.

“Hansen,” Connor says. Evan notes that he does not have a lunch tray and is just holding onto his messenger bag’s strap with both hands, part of his hair tucked behind his ear. He looks more innocent now, not innocent entirely, but softer and gentler than he usually does when he’s stomping around or aggressively ignoring people. “What are you doing?”

“What—I’m not doing anything, nope, nothing, just standing here. Wh-what are you doing?” Evan stutters out. Connor doesn’t really look impressed.

“Do you, uh, have anywhere to sit for lunch?” Connor asks, and he seems shy like this. Evan likes it, likes that he’s not just the rough exterior that everyone sees. He could get used to Connor like this, that is if Connor actually stays around like this. Which, why would he even want to stay around Evan? Didn’t he just tell Evan that he didn’t want to be around him? That Evan should leave him alone? Did the wave in the hallway change his perspective?

“Oh, um, not really, I guess. I usually sit with Jared, but he’s… I don’t have anywhere to sit,” he says. Connor nods solemnly, and then makes a gesture kind of over his shoulder. Behind him is the wall of windows and the doors that lead outside to the patio. It’s where some of the seniors sit, and infamous for where the stoner kids go to smoke. Evan knows that Connor smokes, yeah, but he didn’t think he was a real stoner, despite what everyone says. He’s also learnt not to trust what people say, so.

“Do you maybe want to sit with me?” Connor asks and Evan doesn’t really think he’s hearing this right at all. He clenches his tray a little tighter and starts squirming. He doesn’t really mean to, it just happens. Connor makes him nervous. His _mom_ makes him nervous. It’s just a thing.

“Or not,” Connor says, face closing off. “Sorry I asked.” He goes to shove past Evan, but Evan reaches out and grabs Connor. It makes him stop, but Evan feels like his hands are tingling and pulls away quickly.

“Uh, I, would like that very much,” he says, trying to make it seem like he’s not desperate for someone to pay attention to him. Connor hums a little and turns back toward the windows. He starts walking, but slow enough that it’s like he’s waiting for Evan. This is when Evan realizes that he should probably get moving. He follows closely behind Connor, neither of them really saying anything.

They get out the doors and make a sharp right toward the back-corner tables, the ones along the fence that separates the school from the outside world. They’re usually pretty empty, and now is no exception. Connor takes the furthest one from the building and collapses in his seat. He’s taller than Evan, easily, but when they both sit down across from each other, they’re almost the same height. Or they would be if Connor didn’t slouch and Evan didn’t try to shrink into his seat.

Evan starts picking at his lunch, not really sure what to say. But Connor’s just sitting there, no lunch, a blank expression. Evan clears his throat.

“Do you not have lunch?” Evan gestures to his own tray. “Anything to eat?” Connor shrugs a shoulder, disinterested.

“No,” is all he says. Evan still doesn’t feel very hungry, so he pushes his tray into the middle of the table, mindful of Connor’s crossed arms.

“You can share mine. I won’t eat it all,” he admits. Connor stares at him for a moment before grabbing the apple on the tray and kind of raising it toward Evan, like he’s thanking him. Evan just nods back. He’s really good at silent conversations, saying everything and nothing all at once. One of his specialties.

They sit there, just the two of them, not really saying anything, silently picking at Evan’s lunch and it’s… Nice. Evan actually doesn’t mind it, which is surprising to him, but he would never tell Connor that.

“So,” Connor starts after maybe ten minutes have passed, “what’s Kleinman’s deal?”

“Jared?” Connor nods. “Oh, he, uh, he’s just a jerk sometimes, like I said before. But not all the time, and I really don’t think he means to be half the time, I think it just kind of comes out.”

“No, I mean about this morning. Why does he care if we talk? Other than the obvious.”

Evan didn’t know that Connor overheard their conversation. He also doesn’t actually know the answer to this. It’s probably because of what people say about Connor, but what Evan doesn’t really know is why Jared cares if Evan talks to him. He doesn’t think that Jared actually cares about him, but every now and then he does stuff like this, where he gets concerned or worried or whatever it is, and Evan just doesn’t understand it. When they were younger, Jared and Evan used to play at the old playground close to Jared’s house, and one time Jared dared Evan to jump off the swing set and he did it because of whatever reason and he rolled his ankle and he was sitting there sobbing and Jared was right there at his side, holding onto him with these big eyes and apologizing profusely and almost in tears himself. He had helped Evan all the way back to his house, and his moms came rushing downstairs when they heard him scream for help. Turns out Evan was pretty much fine and just had to ice his ankle for a few hours, but Evan never forgot what Jared did for him. And then he _fell_ off that tree. And no one was there. And he doesn’t blame Jared, but they didn’t even see each other until the first day and Jared didn’t seem too interested in learning how Evan had broken his arm, and Evan felt like nothing he did mattered all over again.

The point is, Evan doesn’t know why Jared does what he does, or if he means what he says. He thinks that maybe he does, and maybe a lot of it is a front, but he would never ever say that to Jared. Or anyone else, for that matter. It’s not his place.

“I don’t know,” Evan says at last. He feels like he’s protecting Jared this way, and it makes him feel better. Even if he’s not Jared’s friend, Jared is his friend. “I guess he’s just concerned about what people say.”

“And you’re not?” Connor inquires.

“No, I am,” Evan assures him. Connor makes a face, but Evan continues speaking. “I think I just… I don’t trust what people say, you know. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely scared of you. I mean! Not scared of you, but like more, like, general anxiety about what you might do. Not that I think you’re capable of doing anything, you know, but just… I’m a nervous person.”

But Connor isn’t mad. “I’ve noticed,” he replies, biting into his apple. It’s almost finished now.

“I guess I try not to listen to other people. It doesn’t always work, but it’s a new thing I’m trying.”

Connor is staring at his apple, not paying attention to Evan anymore. He lifts it up, gesturing it toward Evan. “You know, there used to be this apple orchard that my family would go to and picnic at. It was over on Orchard Lane, and it was massive and there was this big house that the family who owned it lived in. Anyway, the apples were probably the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”

It’s uncharacteristic for Connor to speak so much, even to reveal something about himself—and, granted, Evan’s only known him like a day, but he can tell he’s just one of those people—but he’s still just staring at the apple like this is normal and Evan doesn’t want to burst his bubble or comment on his behavior, so he just says, “That’s really cool.”

“I bet it’s closed now,” Connor responds. He shrugs a shoulder again, putting the apple core down. “Do you drive?”

“What?”

“Do you drive?” Connor enunciates each syllable like Evan can’t hear him properly and gives him a dead stare. Evan shifts uncomfortably, tugs on his shirt.

“Oh, no. I mean, I have my license, but I don’t have a car and I don’t drive.”

Connor hums in contemplation. “If you did,” he says, “I would suggest we swing by the orchard. But you don’t.”

“No.”

“Neither do I.”

“You don’t?”

“Not anymore.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They are staring at each other, but Evan can’t handle the pressure and tears his eyes away. He feels really exposed right now and he’s not sure why. He clears his throat, drums his fingers on his bony knees. It’s only early September, but the air is starting to get colder. Soon enough, he’ll need to bring a jacket, although he’s not sure if his left sleeve will get all stretched out because of his cast, and that thought makes him a little nervous because what if he has to get all new jackets because of his cast and the cast will be gone in a few more weeks and then his jackets will all be big and he’ll need to buy all new jackets again but he doesn’t have any money and his mom definitely doesn’t have enough money and now he’s spiraling. He breathes and hopes Connor didn’t notice his mini freak out.

“We could walk there,” Evan suggests, hoping that’ll divert Connor’s attention. He’s also realizing that he is willingly making plans with Connor to hang out outside of school, which, he knows, what the hell, but Connor seemed wistful talking about the orchard, and Evan doesn’t want to disappoint him. He doesn’t really know or understand why, but he feels like he should try to make Connor happier, or at least feel a little better.

“Yeah, maybe,” Connor agrees. They don’t speak for the rest of the lunch period.

When the bell rings, the boys rise, and Evan picks up his tray and Connor grabs the apple core. They dump everything in the outside trash can and are heading inside when Connor stops him.

“Um,” he begins, “so, do you have a Sharpie?” Connor’s lips are doing this little uptick smile and Evan thinks he’s purposely recounting yesterday in the computer lab. He does still have the Sharpie, actually, and pulls it out his bag and hands it to Connor.

Connor uncaps it by biting it—again—and takes Evan’s good arm and scribbles a bunch of numbers onto his forearm. He adds a little dumb smiley face at the end, and it makes Evan snort a laugh, and Connor grins, and caps and gives the marker back to Evan.

“My number,” he says needlessly, because, yeah, Evan kind of figured that’s what that is. “So we can plan when to go to the orchard.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Connor opens the door and gestures for Evan to go first. Evan thanks him, feeling his cheeks warm up, and heads inside. Connor gives him a little wave as they part ways, tapping Evan’s arm where his phone number is, but not saying anything. Evan nods, silently promising to do something about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another one because i can't help myself. so far i've written like 8-9 chapters and i'm already nearing 30k and i feel like i'm in the middle of the story, so either i'll crank out another 30k and pleasantly surprise myself or this will crash and burn after another 10k. this is also currently the longest thing i have ever written, which is insane, but it's kind of my baby.
> 
> also: i do not do outlines or anything (because i'm the worst kind of person) so i have no idea how long this will be, length or chapter-wise. i'm personally thinking like 20-ish chapters (and that's if i actually complete the story (which i am trying really really hard to do)) but i have no idea. we'll see!
> 
> thank you so much for reading, by the way. every single hit, every single kudos, every single comment. they all mean so damn much to me. thank you.


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another one because i love the attention and these characters. salud!
> 
> any warnings i can think of: connor is very depressed and has dark thoughts and also his relationship with his family is shit, immortal jellyfish, dark thoughts, Tetris, mentions of past incidents where connor's gotten very angry but he didn't hurt anyone, and that's all!
> 
> as always, mistakes are my own. lemme know if anything seems weird/wrong!

Connor’s leaning against Zoe’s Volvo when band practice finally gets out. He has his headphones in and is listening to something from years ago that he doesn’t really like but is too lazy to change, playing a mind-numbing game of Tetris. With all his years of solitude, he’s gotten pretty damn good. He doesn’t know if that’s sad or admirable.

Zoe unlocks the car and Connor immediately climbs in. He turns his music up before she can say anything, because he’s not interested in hearing her bitching right now, though he probably deserves it.

“So now you’re all buddy-buddy with that Evan Hansen kid?” she demands when she gets into the driver’s seat. Unfortunately, he can hear her anyway, and she probably knows it. He puts one of the four-tile blocks into the perfect space, clearing two rows and tactfully ignoring her. Until she yanks his earbud out. He glares but doesn’t actually yell at her.

“We talk,” he says simply. She scoffs. She does that a lot around Connor, he realizes, like she can’t believe he has the audacity to exist. He gets that.

“You talk.” She shakes her head, pulling out of the parking space. “Just yesterday you were shoving him in the hallway and now you’re sitting together at lunch.”

“We don’t have the same lunch period,” Connor notes, meaning him and Zoe, because she’s supposed to be in fifth hour lunch, not fourth. She waves a hand dismissively.

“Alana Beck told me, first of all, and second, I have to change part of my schedule anyway so we will in a couple days. Not that I have to explain myself to you.”

“You don’t,” he agrees, because he doesn’t fucking care. Also, why is Alana Beck of all people taking an interest in Connor and Evan. She’s not friends with either of them, the same way she’s not friends with anybody, really. She’s a floater, drifting from place to place trying to find _her_ place. She’s a puzzle piece that doesn’t quite fit, one that gets thrown back in the box. “Since when are you and Alana Beck friends?” he counters.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” she hisses again, but it seems like he touched a nerve this time, because she’s become much more agitated. She nearly scrapes a car as she’s pulling onto the main road and she’s not a bad driver, so something about his question set her off.

“Whatever,” he mutters, putting his headphone back in. She turns on some angry 80’s music. Jokes on her, that’s what Connor’s already listening to now, anyway.

+++

He gets home and inside without incident. Zoe doesn’t speak to him the rest of the ride, but that’s not new. He’s kind of screwed up whatever relationship they might have had years ago. He never meant a word he said to her, but he didn’t know how to say that then and doesn’t know how to say that now, so he just says nothing but harsh words with no real meaning.

His mom asks how his day was and he responds the same as yesterday. Her smile is tight and he has to look away, but she says it’s good he’s doing okay, and he doesn’t want to correct her or argue with her, so he just says yeah and goes up to his room, somehow disappointing her even on days when he’s actually somewhat trying.

+++

It’s late afternoon when he gets a text, which literally never happens. He’s been doodling in his sketchbook again, something that he just saw and it piqued his interest in a way it hasn’t in months. He looks at the message.

From: Unknown

Hey it’ s Evan. How are tou?

Connor feels himself smile a little bit. Leave it to Evan Hansen to try to sound proper and polite in a text message.

From: Connor Murphy

what’s up

From: evan

Ju st got h ome. What about yuo?

Connor snorts. Other than a few occasional spelling errors, the kid seems much more confident and put together over text. But Connor gets that; it’s easy to fake it when you have time to fix the real you.

From: Connor Murphy

drawing, listening to music, rocking out

From: evan

Oh co o l.

From: Connor Murphy

did u know there’s a type of immortal jellyfish out there?

From: evan

They dont dei?

From: Connor Murphy

nah they cheat death

From: evan

Thats cra zy.

Tell em more?

Connor smiles a real smile this time, a big dumb grin, and starts typing.

+++

He and Evan talk the rest of the afternoon and into the evening. Then his mom calls him down to dinner and he heads down, occasionally snorting or rolling his eyes while staring down at his phone. Of course, someone says something.

“Are you texting?” Zoe asks incredulously. Connor looks up to glare at her, shooting a text to Evan that he has dinner with his family and will text him afterwards. Evan’s response is pretty bland and it makes Connor wonder if he’s said something wrong.

From: evan

O h. Okat. I will tlak to yo u later.

Connor pockets his phone, anyway, promising himself to bring it up later. He takes his usual seat as his mom starts serving everyone. She gives him a look.

“Who are you texting?” she asks innocently. Connor groans and slumps back in his chair, looking pointedly at Zoe across the table. She angrily bites a piece of broccoli while glaring at him. He looks back at his mom.

“No one,” he decides. It’d be better if everyone just left him alone like they usually do.

“Well, clearly it’s not no one,” Cynthia says.

She’s got her metaphorical shovel out and it’s time to dig.

Connor will make this as hard for her as possible.

“It’s no one,” he affirms. Larry rolls his eyes, staring at his phone.

“Connor, just tell your mother who you’re texting.”

“Why does it matter?” He stabs a piece of broccoli, which he’s pretty sure is the most edible thing on this plate. He, like almost all kids growing up, made a game out of eating broccoli, pretending he was a giant and they were tiny trees. Sometimes, when he and Zoe were really bored during dinner, they would make a tiny forest out of the broccoli, standing it up or using mash potatoes as glue to hold it all together. It always made Larry mad, but Zoe would dissolve into giggles whenever Connor would say, “Uh oh, looks like a tsunami’s coming in!” and would pour gravy on their little masterpiece. This, of course, was before he put a hole in Zoe’s door (which, that was a genuine accident and he got a little too angry and it wasn’t really a hole, more like a dent, but Zoe freaked out and their parents freaked out and suddenly Connor was shunned) and her subsequent hatred for him ignited. It’s not like he was going to actually hurt her that night, or any other night, but she’s always been the type to make up her mind and stick to it. Now he has to deal with the consequences.

“Because she asked,” Larry says at the same time Zoe says, “Because you don’t have any friends.” Connor chooses to glare at Zoe rather than Larry, but Cynthia just sets down the plate she’s made for herself and gives Connor a motherly look that makes his insides squirm. He, however, tries to keep his outside neutral.

“Connor, I just wanted to know if you had made a friend,” she says as if calming a wild animal. It reminds him of Evan, how he did the exact same thing when he was trying to apologize for other people’s actions, like he was afraid Connor would lash out. Connor scowls and opens his mouth to say something, _anything_ to divert their attention, but Zoe beats him to it.

“It’s probably Evan,” she waves a hand.

“Who?”

“Oh, you know, Mom. Evan Hansen? The kid he shoved yesterday?” Zoe’s smile is devious, and he wishes he could get back at her, but he really has nothing on her. She’s the good kid, they all know that. She’s the only real child Larry and Cynthia ever had, the only one who isn’t broken. She’s whole, and part of Connor hates her for it, and then hates himself for hating her.

“I didn’t—” he starts.

“You shoved a kid?!” Cynthia exclaims.

“Jesus Christ, Connor,” Larry groans, putting down his phone to glare at Connor.

“I apologized!” Connor protests. Which, no, he didn’t, actually, but they don’t need to know that. Cynthia tucks her hair behind her ears, trying to gather her thoughts. Larry is looking at Connor like he’s utter shit, and Zoe is just looking mirthful. He wishes she would keep her fucking mouth shut. “We’re kind of friends now,” he says, because he thinks it’ll make someone happy. Who, exactly, he’s not sure. His mom, maybe.

“You’re friends?” Cynthia repeats. And, _bingo_. Connor nods vehemently.

“Yeah, no, we’ve been talking about going to the orchard soon.”

“You’re taking him to the _orchard_?” Zoe snaps. Connor nods, digging himself deeper.

“Yeah, totally, because we’re friends. And that’s what friends do.” He’s literally pulling this out of his ass—he’s never had a friend, he’s not sure what happens when you’re friends, but maybe no one will call him out on his bullshit—and suddenly his mom is grabbing his hands and there are tears in her eyes and she’s giving him this _look_.

“You mean it? You two are friends now? You have a friend?” She’s so hopeful that it almost hurts him to lie to her, but he nods again. Because it’s not technically a lie, but it’s definitely not the truth. He and Evan aren’t, like, besties or whatever, but they’re half-way friends or at least close acquaintances and, really, how close could they get in a day and a half anyway, but Cynthia’s not questioning it so neither is Connor.

“Yeah, he’s my friend.”

And just like that, on Connor’s second day of his senior year, he has a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooo-kay, couple notes:
> 
> firstly: i love zoe very much, but the relationship she and connor have canonically is not the greatest, so there's definitely a little anger and resentment in their relationship that they need to work out. this being said, it is my intention, and also what i thought while watching the musical/reading the book/listening to the soundtrack on repeat, that zoe does actually care about connor and really wants to have a relationship with him. we don't know a lot about connor's perspective, but from what i did gather, and some artistic interpretation, he cares for her too. so, we're definitely going to explore that further on.
> 
> secondly: i love alana very much as well, and the whole description i have about her in the beginning bit is really just a mini character study and my opinions of her as a character. how i see her is a bit of an extension of myself (really, all of these characters are a small part of me) and i think i'm projecting a bit, but i really wanna work with her (and zoe) as individual people and look into who they are. not sure that i will in this fic, but we'll see. i really love her so much, wow.
> 
> thirdly: i don't remember who said it, but someone had a headcanon that evan's hands shake even when he texts, so his messages are usually filled with typos. kudos to that person, because that's where i got the idea from and i think it is absolutely spot-on. (the whole him being super proper and putting people's full names in is, i think, my own idea. if someone else has it as well, high-five for being on the same wavelength!)
> 
> fourthly: the jellyfish thing is just connor's attempt at trying to break the ice, but evan's such a sweetie and is actually genuinely interested and asks him all about it. also: the jellyfish are called turritopsis dohrnii and they're the only immortal creature on earth, if i did my research correctly. pretty badass.
> 
> fifthly: i don't actually have a last point, i just want to thank you all again so much for reading and liking and commenting and all of that wonderfulness. it really helps and motivates me to keep pushing on. i don't yet have a scheduled release time for the chapters, and i'm not sure i will, but i expect to be done with this story within the next (maximum, hopefully) two weeks. as i keep saying, we'll see and anything can happen, but i'll try to update as much as i can when i can!
> 
> (sorry this last note was so much, jeez, i talk a lot)


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But those aren’t issues. There isn’t an issue. He shouldn’t feel like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know what? have another (and hoo boy is this one a bit lengthy)!
> 
> any warnings i can think of: dark thoughts for sure, evan works himself up into a panic but doesn't actually have a panic attack but it still may be triggering for some readers (unfortunately the majority of this chapter is him panicking, so i'm very sorry), mentions of connor acting out in the past but nothing specific, and that's all that i think is there
> 
> as always, all mistakes are my own. lemme know if something's funky!

Friday, when Evan wakes up, he has two text messages awaiting him. He never has texts.

From: Jared Kleinman

ride 2 school loser?

From: Connor Murphy

yeah but at least she’s not breathing down ur neck like my mom

He’s surprised to see the text from Jared, considering yesterday and Wednesday he was acting like a dick, more so than usual. He texts back an affirmative for Jared before pulling up his messages with Connor. They were talking about their moms late last night, when Heidi got home from class late and Evan made some remark about his mom’s usual tardiness and how she’s never home. Apparently, Connor had responded, but Evan had fallen asleep. He responds to Connor now.

From: evan

I guesss, but I wish she wsa here sosmetimes.

He pockets his phone and takes his medication and goes downstairs before his mom can come get him. He hears her upstairs in her room, probably getting ready for work. He grabs an apple and heads toward the door.

“Bye, mom, I’m getting a ride with Jared!” He calls. She tells him she loves him and he returns the sentiment before heading out. Jared didn’t exactly tell him when he was coming to get him, but Evan’s not adverse to waiting in the nice morning air.

He doesn’t have to wait long before Jared’s pulling up in his truck. He gets up from where he’d take a spot on the curb, eating his apple, and climbs inside. As soon as he shuts the door, Jared is pulling away from the curb and pulling into the driveway in order to make a U-turn. He sighs and glances at Evan.

“Look,” he starts, “about yesterday…” Evan wonders if he’s going to actually apologize. He’s pretty sure that hasn’t happened in several years. Then Jared shrugs. “If you want to be friends with the emo wannabe, that’s your own prerogative, I’m just asking that you don’t speak to him in my vicinity.” Ah, of course Jared would find a way to make this about him.

“We—We’re friends,” Evan protests, although he’s not really sure if they are or not. He thinks they could be, with time. Jared throws up a hand, the other focused on driving.

“That’s fine, but talk to him in some other hallway,” Jared instructs. Evan nods, but he won’t actually listen to Jared. Not about this, not when he’s being a dick.

“Why do you dislike Connor?”

Jared scoffs. “He’s batshit, dude. Remember when he threw that printer at Mrs. G in second grade? I’m doing you a favor, telling you to make a wide berth when you see him.”

Evan kind of forgot about that incident, although it’s hard to forget. He had Mrs. G too, and he remembers Connor getting upset about not being the line leader and how he had thrown the printer and it didn’t hit Mrs. G, just sort of sadly scooted close to her feet, but she’d instructed everyone to leave the room and when Evan was leaving, he remembers staring at Connor and noticing that Connor looked really shaken, like he couldn’t believe he had just thrown the printer. Evan never understood it, still doesn’t, not really. He wishes he knew what went on in Connor’s head, what went on in Jared’s head, even. Is he the only one who feels the way he does? Or do they just hide it better?

He shakes himself out of the spiral he’s creating.

“I get that,” Evan says earnestly, because a part of him does know that Jared’s actually kind of looking out for him, in the weird twisted way he does, and he appreciates it. “But Connor’s not as bad as you think he is. We’ve actually been texting all night and—”

“Hold the fucking phone.” Jared slams on his brakes and Evan’s seatbelt catches him as he goes flying forward. Thank God they haven’t gotten to a busier road yet, or else they could have easily gotten into an accident, and probably a bad one at that. But Jared isn’t fazed. He turns to look at Evan. “You’ve been texting him? _You_? Evan Hansen?”

“Wha—Jared!”

“You were texting fucking Connor fucking Murphy all day yesterday? And you’re just now bringing this shit up?”

“You were, like, mad at me,” Evan protests.

“Whoa, okay, this is way more important.”

“How does it even matter? C-can you just drive the car?”

Jared rolls his eyes but starts driving again, turning back to face the road. “Don’t get your panties in a bunch. And don’t dismiss me either!”

“I just don’t get why it’s a big deal,” Evan murmurs.

“How does he text? What do you talk about? Do you share your feelings? I just want to know.”

“We, I don’t know, it’s… good. We talk about everything and, um, he reminds me of you, actually, and no, we don’t ‘share our feelings,’ Jared,” he explains, using air quotes for that last bit. “We just talk.”

“Reminds you of me? He must be a fucking poet, then. Also, that’s probably the worst thing you’ve ever said about me.”

“It definitely isn’t.”

Jared glares, but doesn’t comment. They pull into the parking lot and Jared attempts to find a space. “Whatever,” he says, but the gap between sentences was a little too long and it’s kind of awkward. However, saying that aloud would probably just irritate Jared, so Evan says nothing, picking at his cast. “Anyway, I guess it’s a good thing you have a friend, so you can stop fucking bugging me all the time.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Evan agrees. He wishes he could tell Jared that he knows—or that he thinks he knows—that Jared actually cares about him, that him and Jared are probably the closest thing to best friends either of them has ever known, but he can’t and so he doesn’t.

Jared finds a parking spot and pulls in. He turns off the car and gets out, doesn’t say anything to Evan, but Evan follows him out anyway. Then, Jared seems to get himself together because he says, “If Murphy gives you a hard time, tell me, yeah?”

“I thought you didn’t care.”

“Oh, no, I don’t. I’ve just always wanted to kick his emo ass.” And then Jared is walking away, ignoring Evan completely. And yet, it feels like it was a good conversation, or as good as the conversation could have been.

Evan still feels hopeful, nonetheless.

+++

He doesn’t see Connor until lunch. He’s making his way to the cafeteria, wiping his already sweaty palms on his jeans and counting his steps under his breath to occupy his mind, to try to stop thinking about his classes and how his teachers don’t yet know to leave him alone because of his anxiety and so they call on him for answers, but he’s so nervous that he ends up not saying anything and just disappoints them too. He stutters in his steps, and clears his throat and tries again.

“Evan!” Alana Beck is approaching him, and she looks so chipper and normal that he immediately stops counting and plasters on a fake half-smile, or something that will make him seem more normal too. “How’s your first week been?”

“Oh, yeah, good, definitely. A-and yours?”

“Oh, well, it’s been pretty good. I’ve been really busy with all my clubs this year, you know, since I’m in StuCo and math club and English club and French club and, well, a lot of clubs. I’ve been keeping on top of my classes, too. Filling out scholarships, meeting deadlines, and just all around keeping busy! You know, I actually wanted to talk to you about Connor Murphy. I heard you and he are friends now.” She talks pretty fast and Evan’s having a hard time finding punctuation in her excited chatter, so he belatedly realizes that she’s asked a question.

“Oh! Oh, um, w-where’d you hear that? I mean, ye-yeah, we are, but just, where did you hear that?”

Alana adjusts her glasses, but just smiles kindly at him. She’s very beautiful, with braided hair and an ever-present smile. Today she’s wearing a purple dress with some kind of floral pattern or something on it, her big backpack on her back as usual. She’s out of place, Evan knows, in the same way he is. She sat in front of Evan in Pre-Calc last year and Evan remembers one day she came in stressed out and was very frantic and panicky the whole class period, but she stuck it out in a way Evan never could. She’s tough like that, but she’s also breaking.

“Well, I saw you and Connor sitting together during lunch yesterday,” she admits sheepishly. “And after what happened in the hall Wednesday, I figured he must have apologized or something and you two became friends. I think that’s really sweet. You know, a part of me always knew you two would end up together.” Evan doesn’t really like the way she phrases that, but he nods. Connor didn’t apologize, not really. However, his phone number is still faintly on Evan’s right arm, enough so that he wore long sleeves today—and yesterday, for that matter—so that no one would ask questions.

“Oh, yeah, he did. We are. Yeah.”

“Good! That’s great!” Alana nods to herself and bounces on her toes. “Alright, well, I’m going to head to lunch. I’ll see you around, Evan, yeah?”

“D-definitely,” Evan promises. She heads off in the opposite direction of the cafeteria, but he doesn’t really question it. She’s probably going to eat lunch in some classroom for extra credit or a club or something.

Evan hurries toward the cafeteria, praying no one else tries to talk to him.

When he does finally get to the cafeteria, he doesn’t see Connor, but he’s not all that surprised. He figures Connor’s just outside, in their spot (and yeah, it is their spot isn’t it, even if it’s only been a day). So, he gets his lunch and heads outside.

The first thing he notices is that Connor is exactly where Evan thought he would be. The second is that Jared is sitting where Evan sat last time and if that isn’t strange enough, he’s trying to engage Connor in a conversation. But Connor definitely isn’t having it.

“—all I’m saying is that I don’t understand why they can’t just own up and call it a Christmas Special. Like why even say Holiday Special if they’re only going to feature Christmas songs. News flash, Karen, not everyone is Christian!”

And, yeah, that’s Jared ranting about the Annual Holiday Special that the school presents. In December. Evan’s not exactly sure why this is what’s on Jared’s mind right now, but he decides, for Connor’s sanity, that he should butt in now.

“Hi, guys,” he says. Connor looks up and sighs in relief.

“Thank fuck,” he breathes. Then he gestures to Jared. “Your _friend_ won’t shut the fuck up about the school concert.”

“Excuse you, I was having a very civilized debate with you about the merits of the word Holiday over Christmas and you were refusing to argue your points. That’s not my fault,” Jared says, glaring at Connor and stabbing at whatever vegetable is supposed to be on his tray.

Evan nods, takes the seat beside Connor, and starts opening his milk.

“Right. N-not to be rude, Jared, but why are you here?” Evan asks. Jared scoffs, but this is one of those things that doesn’t actually bother him. Evan thinks that he’s sort of getting better at this game, picking out what actually hurts Jared’s feelings and what he pretends does.

“If you must know, I wanted to see if Connor Murphy was actually as handsome and tall as you so vehemently described him,” Jared lies smoothly. Evan’s cheeks heat up, because while he does think that Connor is probably one of the most attractive people he’s ever seen, he definitely did not tell Jared that, which means either Jared can tell what Evan’s thinking—which, yes, it is plausible, because who knows what Jared is capable of?—or Jared’s just being an ass and teasing him. Either way, he doesn’t like the implications. Also, that’s twice in one day.

“Shut up,” Evan groans. He looks at Connor, who’s kind of frozen and his cheeks look a little pink. Evan feels the embarrassment sinking in like a rock in his stomach. “J-just ignore him,” he tells Connor, who breaks out of his trance and shrugs.

“Well, am I?” he asks Jared, who seems taken aback that the conversation has been pointed back to him. Evan watches in amazement as Jared’s face scrunches up and _his_ cheeks turn red and he looks down at his food.

“Shut up,” he hisses. Connor laughs, and Evan decides it’s a very nice sound.

+++

And just like that, they have a routine. Every morning for the next week and a half Jared picks him up for school and during lunch, the three of them all sit together, Jared making jokes or laughing at something while Evan fondly rolls his eyes and Connor glares, the fire behind his eyes slowly dying as time goes on. Jared gives Evan a ride home while Zoe gives Connor a ride, Evan and Connor text all afternoon and up until they each pass out. And it works, it’s good for them.

Until it isn’t.

It doesn’t just happen, and Evan doesn’t think it’s directly anyone’s fault, but slowly as time progresses, he finds himself becoming more resigned and withdrawn, finds himself faking laughs or tuning out, and he genuinely doesn’t know why. He just knows he feels wrong and he doesn’t know how to stop and say something.

He’s been doing good, taking his medication and writing his letters to Dr. Sherman, and he’s doing good in classes and he suddenly has two friends when he always thought he had a half. Alana Beck waves at him in the hallway and smiles, which isn’t unusual for her, but now it’s directed at Evan and that’s pretty cool. And Zoe Murphy gives him weird looks, but at least she’s paying attention to him and that’s more than he could ever ask for. But there’s the tentative and newly blossoming friendship he’s built up with Connor that he couldn’t possibly ruin, so any hopes of talking to her are kind of squashed (although, let’s be real, could Evan even get the courage to actually speak a word to her? And to not let that hypothetical conversation be ruined by, well, him). But those aren’t issues. There isn’t an issue. He shouldn’t feel like this.

+++

It’s the third week of school, a Thursday, and he’s in his English class, staring at Macbeth and thinking about nothing and just feeling so stressed and freaked out, when someone taps his shoulder. He looks up.

Zoe Murphy is sitting next to him—and he’s not really sure when that happened, or if she was there when he first walked in because is he so self-absorbed right now that he didn’t even notice _Zoe Murphy_? The thought makes him feel sick—and she’s got this little half-smile and she’s just looking at him. Evan thinks she must have the wrong person. She must be trying to get someone else’s attention.

“Evan, right?” She says.

No. She’s trying to get _his_ attention.

The thought makes him simultaneously nauseous and excited.

“Evan, right,” he says smoothly. Or not, because her smile is widening like he just said something funny. But she nods, doesn’t laugh, and he silently thanks her.

“You’re friends with Connor.” A statement, not a question. He nods anyway. She does too, although it might be to herself. Her smile has faded now, like Connor’s name is a sour note in her mouth. “Why would you want to be friends with someone like him? I mean, after what he did to you, and all.”

“He apologized,” Evan lies, although he’s not sure why. He thinks maybe it’s because he doesn’t like how harshly she’s talking about Connor. This is not the Zoe he thought he knew. “A-and he’s a really good friend.” That parts true. His and Connor’s constant conversation are always light and funny and even when they do start talking about more personal and real things, Connor is still present and he listens. He relates. He understands. Maybe that’s why he and Connor work: they both know what it’s like to feel like they won’t be found, like no one will come. So they find each other, they come. And it works. It’s supposed to.

“That doesn’t sound like my brother,” she admits, eyebrows furrowing. She’s beautiful this close up, more beautiful than Evan was expecting. His heart hurts in a good way.

“W-well, maybe you don’t know him,” Evan just says and then he realizes what he’s said and he waves his hands in front of him, like erasing a whiteboard. “N-no, no, no, no! I didn’t mean that y-you don’t—I don’t know anything about your—I’m so sorry.”

But Zoe snorts and shrugs a shoulder, tapping her copy of Macbeth on the desk once. “Maybe I don’t. But you still seem like too good a kid to hang around Connor. You’re, like, pure and he’s… Connor.”

“Maybe you don’t know me,” Evan mutters, but Zoe must hear him, because she’s looking over at him again with her blue-green eyes and the look she’s giving is too intense and inquisitive and he feels his stomach quench at her vehemence.

“Maybe I don’t,” she agrees finally, eyebrows flicking up in defeat. And then she looks at him again and it’s back to her normal gaze, and she just gives him a little smile again. “But I think I’d like to.”

Wait.

What?

“W-what?” Evan sputters. Zoe nods, confident and sure in a way Evan would never be. It reminds him of Alana Beck, how she does what she wants anyway, even when she knows no one will be there to notice or care. He thinks maybe Zoe’s kind of like that, or maybe she’s different than Alana. He’s not quite sure he knows her, not really.

“Yeah, definitely. I want to get to know you. What are you doing tonight?”

“T-tonight?” Evan feels like he’s blanking. Everything is white and there’s this buzzing noise and the anxiety that’s been growing like a fungus has now taken over him and is consuming him and Zoe’s just sitting there, beautifully, and smiling like she doesn’t know what she’s doing to him. She probably doesn’t.

“I’ll meet you at that diner off 4th at, say, 4:30?”

“I don’t drive,” Evan says dumbly.

“Okay, I’ll pick you up. Here, gimme your number and we can figure something out.” Zoe hands him her phone with a new contact page open. Evan takes it, stares at it, and then blinks and looks back at Zoe.

“W-why? Why are you doing this?”

She tilts her head to one side, clearly confused. “What do you mean?”

“Why are y-you just—why are you trying to get to know me? B-because I’m friends with Connor? I don’t understand why you’d want to be friends—”

“Evan.” Zoe leans forward, putting a hand on his forearm, the one without a cast. Skin-on-skin contact. All his neurons are exploding right now. He’s staring at her hand. Her nails are painted a shinny indigo, but they’re chipping around the corners, like she’s been picking at them. Connor’s nail polish does that, too, chip around the edge. He picks at them when he’s bored or uncomfortable. Evan’s seen it firsthand. “If you’re actually defiant and brave enough to make friends with my brother and to not give a shit what people might say about you, then you’re worth knowing. Even if you think my brother is a ‘good friend.’”

She says brother a lot, instead of Connor, Evan notices. But, seeing as how Connor already agitates her, it’s probably not smart to tell her that. Also, he’s not brave or defiant. He’s very much the opposite of that. He tries to tell her this.

“Of course you’re brave,” Zoe dismisses, leaning back in her seat, taking her hand off Evan. “You know what Connor’s like and you know what people think of him and you _still_ chose to be his friend. I could never do that. It’s pretty badass.”

Evan looks back down at Zoe’s phone. He puts in his information and hands it back to her. Their fingers brush as she takes it back. Evan’s stomach clenches again, but she’s not bothered. Because she’s normal. God, how Evan wishes he could just exist without everything hurting so much.

Zoe snorts. “Evan Hansen,” she reads from his contact. “You know you didn’t have to put your full name in, right?”

“R-right.”

She types something and then Evan’s phone is buzzing. He pulls it out and it’s a text from an unknown number.

From: Unknown

and now u have my number ;P

Evan looks back over at Zoe. She has that little smile on her face again. Evan returns it, and he feels lighter for the first time in a week and a half.

+++

He doesn’t tell Connor. Or Jared. He gets a ride from Jared, lets him talk about the hot guy in his AP Calculus BC class—Evan has always suspected Jared liked guys, but that’s a topic for another day, for a day when Evan didn’t feel like he wasn’t even real—and he doesn’t say anything. He goes inside and starts his homework and when he’s finished with that, he goes up to his room to look through his clothes.

Zoe originally said she wanted to go to a diner, which is fine, but Evan doesn’t really know what a diner’s dress code would be. He almost texts her to ask, but it feels silly and he’s still scared she might laugh at him and he really doesn’t know how he’d recover from that.

So he pulls out a semi-casual jacket that barely fits over his cast and keeps on the rest of his school clothes and stands in front of the mirror, just staring. He’s not sure how someone like Zoe could take an interest in someone like him. Connor too, for that matter. They are both ridiculously attractive, and that’s the one thing Evan’s not afraid to say, because they are both just so damn good-looking. And they both have great personalities, and, yes, Evan definitely now has more experience with Connor’s personality than Zoe’s, but he just knows that she’s cool. She has to be.

His phone buzzes.

From: Zoe Murphy

so change of plans

i’ll be there at 4:30 still

but we are NOT going to that lame ass diner

deal?

From: evan

Srue. Thats c ool.

He panics. If they’re not going to the diner, then where the hell would they go? Should he change? Does he need a jacket? Or closed-toed shoes? Scratch that, all his shoes are closed-toed. Still, what are they going to do? Is it a date? Are they just friends? Are they even friends right now?

From: Zoe Murphy

wicked

so txt me ur address n i’ll be there in ten?

Evan tries to count his breaths and texts her his address. It’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine. He can’t believe it’s already almost 4:30, and he’s done nothing. He runs his hands through his hair, tugs on the cuffs of the jacket, and decides that he’s fine. He heads downstairs and walks the entire floorplan for the next ten minutes, just going around in loops until he hears a series of beeps from outside. Zoe. He tries to straighten himself out again and heads outside, locking the door behind him.

Zoe drives a cool shiny blue Volvo, one that looks relatively new and expensive. She’s only just turned sixteen—over the summer, Evan’s pretty sure—and it was probably a birthday present. The Murphys have money like that, everybody knows. It’s kind of a wonder though that they have enough money to buy Zoe a brand new car but don’t have enough to get Connor proper help. Evan’s mom doesn’t have a lot of money, but she’s still done everything she possibly could to get him help for his issues. He’s so grateful for her.

Evan opens the passenger door and climbs in, giving Zoe what he thinks is a nice smile as he buckles his seat belt.

“Love that jacket,” Zoe notices. Evan’s smile becomes a little more real.

Zoe’s a huge music fan, Evan learns as they drive, but she doesn’t have a specific genre that she loves. She listens to everything. She tells him right now that she’s on a 90’s pop kick and it feels like a secret just between them, her grin conspiratorial. She changes the song half-way through each time, not letting a single song finish, like she couldn’t find anything to satisfy her. She asks Evan what kind of music he likes.

“Oh, I-I don’t know. I guess I don’t really listen to music that much,” he admits. Zoe makes a sour face and Evan’s stomach drops because he thinks he’s said the wrong thing.

“I don’t understand that,” she says, shaking her head. “I love music so much. It’s always been a part of me, like an appendage. I have to listen to music, and I love it all, that’s just who I am.”

“That’s not a bad person to be,” Evan tries to quip, but it ends up a little more starry-eyed than he meant and Zoe’s throwing him a strange look. “I-I mean, it’s cool to be passionate about something. I don’t think there’s anything I’m really passionate about.”

“Nothing?” she asks, but that look doesn’t entirely fade off her face, like she’s thinking something or realized something and is trying to make sense of it.

“I like trees,” Evan admits.

Zoe laughs.

Evan’s heart sinks again.

“Trees?” She repeats. “That’s definitely a first. Well, what do you like about them?”

Evan pieces himself together again. She’s not making fun of him, he doesn’t think. She’s just surprised. He can work with that.

“Oh, I don’t know. I guess I like that they’re… They don’t have to be anything other than a tree, you know? Like they don’t have to worry about high school or friends or relationships or if they’re messing everything up—” Evan breathes out, clears his throat. “o-or about what they’re going to do when they grow up. They’re just… Trees. They just exist and even though it seems like they do nothing, they’re actually doing everything and we just don’t realize it. They’re so important and beautiful and they’re always there, just existing and providing, you know?” Evan realizes how dumb he sounds. “I-I’m sorry, God, that sounds so dumb, wow, I’m so sorry.”

“No!” Zoe protests. She’s trying to look at him as much as possible even while driving. She puts her hand on Evan’s arm, the one with the cast this time. He can’t feel her, but his arm still gets warm and tingles. “That’s so—wow, Evan, that’s so amazing. I thought _I_ was passionate about music, but you really do love trees. That’s so cool.”

“R-really?”

“Really,” Zoe promises. She takes her hand off him to make a right-hand turn, but the feeling still lingers.

Evan clears his throat and nods, trying to figure out where they are.

“Where are we going?”

Zoe grins. “This is one of my favorite spots, but it’s a secret, okay? You can’t tell anyone about this.”

“Not even Connor?” Evan’s not sure why Connor is his first thought, and he’s also not sure if that scares or comforts him. Zoe rolls her eyes, but Evan thinks that’s more because of Connor’s name, not Evan himself.

“Especially not him. Actually, let’s make a rule: we don’t talk about _him_ at all, okay? I don’t want to get mad at you for _his_ shortcomings.”

Her phrasing makes Evan bite his tongue, but he doesn’t say anything to defend Connor. Part of him feels guilty, all of the sudden. He tries to squash that part down.

They pull into a little parking lot at a strip mall. There’s a couple recognizable chains, like pizza places and clothing stores, but they’re currently parked outside what looks like a bookstore. Zoe smiles at Evan, turning off the car.

“Come on,” she urges, hopping out. He follows.

As soon as Zoe walks in, the old man behind the counter smiles and waves at her. She waves back, heading further back into the store. Evan glances back at the guy.

“Uh, do you know each other?”

“I come here a lot. You know, when everything gets too much.”

Evan thinks she means the Murphy household—he’s heard Connor describe that place as hell, and worse, more than once—but she doesn’t elaborate, instead heading toward an iron spiral staircase. Evan didn’t think the place looked big enough to have a second story, but he follows Zoe up anyway.

“This here is where I sit and read for hours. Sometimes I’ll bring my guitar and play downstairs for the patrons. After my, like, third time playing, Sergei—the owner—left out a tip jar. So I guess this is kind of like my job. It’s where I get money, really.”

“That’s really cool,” Evan comments, taking in the small loft above. There’s a clear view of the front door and the desk where Sergei is working, so Evan must have just not looked up when they first walked in. There’s a couple plush-looking chairs with throw pillows on them and blankets thrown over the arms. Smaller bookshelves line the three walls, and all the books on their shelves look well-read and well-loved. There’s a huge circular rug under the chairs, but it looks knitted and probably just as soft as the chairs themselves. Evan can picture Zoe lounging in the chairs, kicking her feet and drinking a mug of tea as she read books on music theory or biographies of famous singers. He can actually picture Connor here as well, probably leaning against one of the chairs as he sat on the floor and read the classics.

Zoe takes one of the armchairs, adjusting the pillows behind her. Evan takes the other, leaning back. Zoe smiles at him.

“Soft, right?”

“Super.”

“This is my favorite place in the entire world, Evan,” she admits, like it’s something she’s been dying to say. Evan quietly wonders if maybe she doesn’t have friends either, not real friends. He sees her talk to people from jazz band and he sees some of the popular girls mingle with her, but she’s mainly ignored, too. She’s always been the freak’s little sister, probably just a freak herself. Evan wishes he could tell her that he would be her friend, and even if that’s all they ever were, that he would be honored to be there for her. She’s worth it. Easily.

“It’s pretty spectacular,” is all he says. Zoe nods, biting her lip and looking out over the bookshelves.

“Can I tell you something?” she asks.

“Of course.”

“I… I think part of the reason I asked you to hang out was because you’re Connor’s friend, and I knew that if I took away his only friend, that he would be upset. Part of me wanted him to be upset. But I wasn’t thinking of you and your feelings, and now that I’ve gotten to talk to you… You’re really cool, Evan. You’re such a great person, like so genuine and honest. And I regret that I mislead you. And I’m sorry.”

Evan doesn’t know what to say, because he knew there was no way _Zoe Murphy_ would have asked _him_ to hang out. And she had done it to get back at Connor, who’s Evan’s friend now. But… she likes Evan for what he’s shown her and she’s now being honest with him and she said that she regretted it. But there’s still the whole Connor-Zoe issue that needs to be sorted out before Evan can possibly think about himself.

“Why did you want to upset Connor?” he asks quietly. Zoe looks at her hands. She’s been picking at her polish this entire time; Evan should have known something was up.

“I… I don’t know, I guess. He’s my brother, I know, but he’s… God, Evan, I don’t know how you don’t see it. He’s a monster, Evan. He’s so cruel and terrible and he’s always threatening me and pounding on my door and screaming at me. He’s not a brother, he’s a menace.”

Evan drums his fingers on his knee, nodding. “I guess… I’m not making any excuses for him and I don’t know what your home life is like at all, and from what Connor says, it’s not good.” Zoe shifts uncomfortably, but Evan continues. “_But _I think maybe the reason Connor makes so much noise and acts the way he does, like when he gets all aggressive, or like when he shoved me, it’s all because he feels like he isn’t being seen or heard. I—I know what that’s like, though, and it’s frustrating. I think he’s really hurting and he doesn’t know how to tell you and—and I don’t mean any disrespect and offense or anything and this is all based on what I’ve loosely gathered from Connor—but your parents aren’t the greatest at listening and he probably thought you would listen to him but you didn’t or haven’t or aren’t or whatever and so he acts out. He just wants someone to be there for him. That’s what our friendship is about: we’re the only people who are there for each other. But, take it from me, I’m not sure it’s so good to only have one person that’s there for you because you can’t dump all your shit on just that one person, so maybe he does what he does because he wants you to be there for him, wants you to be that person that’s there for him. And I promise you that if you’re there for him, he’ll be there for you too. He’s really good like that.”

When Evan finally shuts his mouth, Zoe’s eyes are watery. He leans forward, panicking.

“Oh my God, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry, oh my God.”

_Great going, Evan, the first real time Zoe Murphy is actually noticing you and you’re making her cry._

“No, it’s just—” Zoe cuts herself off, exhaling shakily and running a hand through her hair. Then she laughs a little. “Well, that’s the most you’ve probably ever said in your whole life, isn’t it?”

“Probably,” Evan agrees. He’s not really sure where he got the nerve to talk to her without stuttering—or at least, without stuttering as much as usual—but he’s said his piece.

She smiles, but it’s still a little wobbly. She sighs.

“I just… We used to be friends, did he ever tell you that?” Evan shakes his head. “We used to play with his toy cars and X-men, and he had a bunk bed when I was, like, five and he’d let me sleep in the bottom bunk all the time and he put those little plastic glow stars on bottom of the top bunk so we could both fall asleep looking at the stars. We were really close and then… I don’t know. I don’t even know when he started pulling away or when I stopped paying attention, but then he started throwing things and then we got to middle school and he was completely gone and he wasn’t my brother anymore. I didn’t even know who he was, it was terrifying. I was looking at this robot of the person I loved and grew up with. And now we’re so far apart and he’s so far away. I don’t know how to reach him anymore. It’s like I don’t know anything.”

“I can’t really say for sure, but I’d probably start by sticking by him, even when he messes up. I know he’s not always the most tolerable and that he definitely has his flaws, but you’re supposed to like him in spite of that, you know. Like his flaws only make him greater and you gotta tell him that. Maybe stop standing up for your parents and try seeing it from his perspective instead. Like I said, it’s going to be hard, but it’s not supposed to be easy. You just gotten keep going, even when it seems like he won’t give up. Because he needs you, Zoe, even if you and him don’t think it. If you’re actually serious about wanting to be his sister and friend or whatever, serious about being there for him, then you have to keep doing it no matter what.”

“I am,” she decides quickly, no hesitation. But she doesn’t seem like she wants to take her answer back, instead nodding her head and tucking her hair behind her ear, slowly convincing herself. “I want things to be like they were.”

“They won’t,” Evan warns. “Connor’s different now. So are you, I’m sure. But they might be able to go back to a semblance of the way they were, you know. All you can do is try.”

Zoe nods, sniffles, and wipes at her eyes. She smiles at Evan.

“When’d you get so wise? And where the hell did your stutter go?” she jokes. Evan laughs with her and it feels really good.

(The anxiety doesn’t fade, necessarily, but the talk with Zoe reminds him of what he needs to do, what’s more important than himself: help Connor.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is definitely my longest chapter yet. i also had the most fun with this chapter by far.
> 
> i think zoe and connor's relationship is so crucial to his mental health (esp. canonically) because as someone who has a lot of the same issues as connor, i find a lot of comfort in my sister and when she and i fight, it's incredibly damaging. so i wanted to look into their relationship and how they are and how they could be. this does not excuse anything zoe or connor has done, they still have a long way to go.
> 
> zoe and evan's friendship is also really important to me, because i personally think he probably liked her so much because he idolized her and wanted to have the normalcy he thought she had. here, i try to emphasize that she does not have that kind of normalcy (or at least the normalcy he's seeking) and evan realizes this very quickly.
> 
> thank you all so much for reading and commenting and liking and all that fun stuff! it means literally the world to me and helps me create more for you guys! i love you all!
> 
> (and to those who might have any issues, stay safe and take care of yourself. the world needs you, even if you don't know it.)
> 
> <3


	6. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If he can make her happy just once, then maybe he’ll hate himself a little less.
> 
> (He probably won’t.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really, i don't mean to post 3 chapters within 8 or so hours. it just happens.
> 
> any warnings i can think of: some minor dark thoughts as usual, but that's about it?? this chapter is actually really light and doesn't have that much bad shit in it
> 
> as always, mistakes are my own! if anything's hella weird, lemme know!

Connor’s reading _Wuthering Heights_ while lounging on his bed when his mom’s gentle knock sounds against the door. She peeks her head in and smiles.

“Whatcha reading?” she chirps. He raises an eyebrow at her cheerfulness, but shows her the cover.

“_Wuthering Heights_,” he states, turning the page. “What do you want?”

“I was thinking, actually.” Connor internally groans. That means she has some kind of idea that Connor is going to fucking hate. He sits up a little in bed.

“Okay,” he sighs, preparing himself.

“What if you invited Evan over for dinner tomorrow?” she suggests, taking a seat on the corner of his bed. Connor laughs immediately and her face falls a little and he feels a lot like shit, but, really, what the fuck? Invite _Evan Hansen_ over dinner at the Murphy household. That’s a recipe for disaster. Evan would immediately stop hanging out with him the second he saw how fucked up Connor’s family is.

“No,” he decides. Cynthia’s brows furrow a little and it’s times like these, when she’s mad at Connor, that her and Zoe look strikingly similar. Maybe it’s the disappointment.

“Why not?”

“Because that’s a terrible idea. You, ha, you think Evan should come over and meet the family? We can’t get through a single family dinner without fighting. What makes you think him being over here would stop that? We’d still fight and it would just be embarrassing and he wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore,” Connor admits. Well, shit. He didn’t mean to tell Cynthia that, because now her face is understanding and it’s too much scrutiny for Connor’s liking.

“Honey, if Evan stopped being your friend because of your family, then he’s not a very good friend, now is he? Besides, I will talk with your dad and sister, and make them promise to be on their best behavior. Please, honey, I really want to meet the person who’s been making you so happy. You’ve been doing so well. I’m so proud of you. I just want to know who you’re spending time with.”

Connor’s stomach twists uncomfortably. He doesn’t want to disappoint his mom; really, he can only hurt her feelings so much before it takes a toll on him. He sighs. If Evan came over for, what, like two hours and everyone was on their best behavior and Zoe didn’t have any smart-ass comments or Larry paid attention or Cynthia didn’t pry, then maybe, _maybe_, they could make it through the night. Two hours. He would probably have to brief Evan before, just to make sure that if something happens, Evan won’t feel caught off-guard or trapped. Because that would be fucking shitty of Connor, if he made Evan feel that way.

“I guess,” Connor amends. His mother practically squeals and leans forward to wrap him in a hug. He huffs, but leans into her a little. If he can make her happy just once, then maybe he’ll hate himself a little less.

(He probably won’t.)

+++

He’s getting ready the next morning when Zoe knocks on his door frame. He slings his bag’s strap over his shoulder and throws a questioning eyebrow up at her.

“Almost ready?” she asks. Connor feels his eyebrows knit together. She’s never nice. And now she’s being nice. Or, at least, not _not_ nice. Something’s up.

“What’s wrong with you?” he demands. She rolls her eyes.

“I’m going to eat breakfast, but you better be ready in ten.” And then she leaves. And that’s probably the nicest conversation they’ve had in years.

He joins everyone at breakfast, but he doesn’t really talk and neither does Zoe, actually. Not even when he steals the last piece of bacon. She just takes the last piece of toast instead, humming a little as she smothers it in strawberry jam.

And it gets weirder.

They get in the car and she asks Connor what kind of music he wants to listen to.

“What?”

“I said what kind of music do you want to listen to.”

“Um, whatever is fine. Just not your shitty pop.”

Zoe makes a face, but chooses some house music that Cynthia used to play when they were younger. He and Zoe used to spin all around the house while it played, giggling and slipping on the wood in their brightly-colored socks. He wonders why Zoe chose this music specifically.

“So, how are you and Evan?” she asks.

“Uh, why?”

“I’m making conversation, Connor, Jesus.” And there’s the usual Zoe, shining through just for a moment. She’s practically walking on eggshells around him, but she’ll crack if he exasperates her enough. He’s not sure what he really wants, if he wants her to yell at him or if he wants her to keep being nice.

“We’re fine. Still friends,” he says finally.

“That’s good,” Zoe nods, and it sounds like she means it. “Did you know that Evan is in my English class?”

“Why would I know that?”

Zoe’s hands tighten on the wheel for a moment, but she relaxes again just as quickly. “I’m just saying stuff. Anyway, he and I are in English together and now I sit next to him. We talked and he’s pretty cool. He seems like a really good person, like a really good friend.”

“He is,” Connor says defensively. He knows that Evan has a crush on Zoe and now him and Zoe are talking and that’s pretty fucking worrying for Connor, because what if Evan decides he likes Zoe more? Or worse, wants to date her. Connor thinks he might fucking die if that happens.

“Well, anyway, you’re lucky to have him,” Zoe declares. Connor just nods, looking back at the road. He doesn’t know what’s going on right now, but he needs to talk to Evan right away, because Evan can’t lie to him or cover up his feelings the way that Zoe can.

When they get to school, Zoe actually waits for Connor to get out of the car and starts walking in with him.

“What are you doing?” he questions.

“Walking.”

“No shit, Sherlock. I mean, why are you walking with me?”

Zoe looks up at him, eyebrows together again, but she’s not exactly mad. More like confused by his question. “You’re my brother, dumbass.”

Connor feels like his steps falter, but he’s not sure. He really wants to be close with Zoe the way they used to be, but he’s not sure how to tell her that, or how to go about fixing the mess he’s made. And now she’s offering this quasi-olive branch, telling him that he’s her brother when half the time she refuses to acknowledge he exists or only notices him when he’s at his worst. And it’s not enough, not by a long shot, but, suddenly, it’s a start.

“Okay,” he says dumbly.

And they keep walking.

+++

Connor doesn’t see Evan until lunch. Jared apparently has some meeting with whatever computer club he’s in, not that Connor even cares, but Evan explains it to him like he’s apologetic that Connor won’t be graced with Jared’s presence.

“Listen,” Connor says after Evan’s finished talking. “I heard you and Zoe started talking, and—”

“Oh my God, it wasn’t anything really, and we just went to the bookstore and talked and it really wasn’t anything, it wasn’t like a date or whatever, not that I even think that or that I want that, because I could never do that to you, but we just talked and it was, like, personal stuff that I probably shouldn’t repeat, but it was just a little conversation and then she drove me home, that’s it, I swear, I would never—”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Evan. Calm down,” Connor instructs. He’s trying to process whatever the fuck Evan just said, but it was a lot of stuttering and repeated words and he’s having trouble picking out the important bits. “Wait, okay, so you and Zoe started talking in English. And then you went out with her? To a bookstore? And just talked? I don’t understand.”

“No, yeah, okay, we started talking in English and then she was like let’s hang out and I said okay so we went out to this bookstore that—oh my God, I’m not supposed to even be telling you about it so just ignore that part—we went out to this _place_ and sat down and we started talking and it was really real and honest and we both realized some stuff and that was it, I swear.”

Connor feels like his world is coming down. “You both realized some stuff…” Realized what? That they liked each other? Are they dating now? Is that why Zoe’s being nice to him? Because she’s dating his best fucking friend?

“Yeah, um, I can’t tell you what she realized, because it’s personal and I don’t want to violate her trust or anything, but I, uh, I realized that I don’t like her anymore.”

“Wait, what?” Connor demands.

“Yeah, I don’t know, we were sitting there and it was getting real and I kind of started to get this feeling that I didn’t understand and then when I got home, I was thinking more about it and I realized that I just… I don’t think I like her. I’m not sure I ever did.”

“Oh.” Connor doesn’t know what else to say. He needs a moment. His world is currently being rebuilt.

“Yeah, I think I liked the _idea_ of her, actually. I-I mean she’s a great person and she’s really wonderful, but I don’t _like_ her like that, not the real her. She was such an unobtainable fantasy for such a long time that I think I forgot that she’s a person too. God, sorry, I’m talking about your sister here.”

Connor nods and shrugs a shoulder. He’s stable now. “I think I understand that, though. When did this not-date happen, anyway?”

“Yesterday, actually. But me and her are kind of friends now, I think. I mean, if you don’t want me to be her friend, I understand that, because I’m your friend first. But I would like to be her friend too. If that’s not weird for you.”

“I don’t choose who she’s friends with,” Connor points out. Evan nods.

“I know, but, I mean it, Connor, you’re my friend first. What you say goes.”

And, God, doesn’t that feel good, having someone that gives a shit what you think. Connor smiles at Evan, a real one.

“You can be friends with Zoe. But if you try to date her, I’ll break your other arm,” Connor half-threatens. Evan laughs, and it’s not nervous, for once.

“I’d let you, although I think Zoe would try it first.”

Connor nods in agreement. And then Connor remembers.

“Oh, right, um, my mom wants you to come over for dinner tonight.”

“T-tonight?”

“Yeah, and it’s probably gonna suck ass and we’ll probably all fight, but she was really adamant about the whole thing. I understand if you don’t—”

“N-no!” Evan protests. “No, I-I’ll come. I’d love to come. What time?”

“Uh,” Connor scratches the back of his neck. “I actually didn’t ask, honestly. But maybe if you want to just come over after school, we could hang out until dinner. If that’s cool with you?”

“Yeah, sure!” Evan seems to wince at his own excitement. He clears his throat. “That’d be cool with me.”

Connor huffs a laugh, picks up one of Evan’s slices of pizza, and starts eating it.

Evan lets him.

+++

Connor had told Evan to meet him by Zoe’s Volvo after school, warning him that she had jazz band practice and they’d have to find some way to entertain themselves while she was at practice. Evan just said he’d meet Connor around 3:45, but didn’t specific where he’d be. Not that Connor needs to know, necessarily.

When Evan finally shows up, he’s smiling at Connor. He greets him warmly and leans against the Volvo next to Connor.

“Where’d you go?” Connor finds himself asking. But Evan just shrugs a shoulder.

“Jared and I were talking, actually. I haven’t spent time with him in a bit. I think he was feeling neglected.”

Connor snorts. “Like that’s hard for him.”

Evan doesn’t say anything, and Connor thinks maybe there’s something wrong with Jared in the same way that there’s something wrong with Evan or Connor. Maybe he’s just better at hiding it.

“So how were your classes?” Connor asks, trying to fix the too long awkward silence.

“Same as always: stressful. How were yours?”

“I’m assuming well.”

“You didn’t go?” Connor glances over and Evan looks kind of disappointed, and it’s really a terrible look on him.

“I went,” he says, and Evan’s face relaxes. “I just didn’t pay attention.”

Evan smiles and gives a shrug like ‘what are you going to do?’ and crosses his arms over his chest. “Do you like any of your classes, though? Like, just one of them.”

He’s pretty sure they’ve already had this conversation before, over text. He doesn’t particularly hate any of his classes. He probably doesn’t like French, but that’s more to do with having to do presentations and group collaborations all the time rather than an actual abhorrence for the language. His math class isn’t terrible and when he pays attention he understands it. Government is boring, but necessary. He likes his art class and it’s probably one of the few classes where he actually pays attention, including turning in his works occasionally. And then there’s English.

Connor has always loved English, used to read and write when he was a kid until he had journals full of incoherent ramblings and two bookshelves crammed full of every book he could get his hands on. His mom used to say he was going to make a living doing something with it, that he was always creative, was born to create. Sometimes he can see it, when he’s feeling a little more confident and reads his writing or looks at a drawing he did. And then the self-hatred would come streaming back in and the doubt and he would stuff everything away in boxes that filled his closet like a mini filing cabinet that detailed all of his failures and shortcomings. But, yeah, English is okay.

“English,” he finally says. “I guess I like English.”

“You’re in AP, right?” Evan asks, ever present and waiting.

“Yeah. Alana’s in my class.” English is the only AP class that Connor has ever had, but he’d already finished the required reading his sophomore year and, even though he doesn’t ever really turn in assignments or participate in class, he’s always listening, always paying attention. And he notices Alana’s hurried scribbles as she tries to understand all the hidden meanings and subtext in their novels. Alana’s good at a lot of things, but English has always failed her. If Connor was a better person, he’d have offered her help a long time ago. But he’s not.

“That’s cool.”

Connor hums. He can see Zoe heading toward them already. He nudges Evan, straightening up.

“Hey, Evan!” Zoe says cheerfully as she approaches. She unlocks the Volvo and Connor opens the passenger door immediately. Evan climbs into the backseat as Zoe opens up the other door to prop her guitar case up next to Evan.

“Make sure it doesn’t fall, yeah? That’s my baby,” she warns.

“Sure,” Evan laughs.

She gets in and chooses 2010’s pop immediately, shooting a mischievous smile at Connor before pulling out of her spot. Connor turns around to talk to Evan.

“So, fair warning, it’s probably going to be hell,” he says. Zoe makes a little scoffing noise, but says nothing. Connor thinks it’s progress.

“It’s okay,” Evan promises. Connor shakes his head.

“No, really, it’s going to be a lot of Zoe’s passive aggressiveness—” Zoe does scoff this time, and rolls her eyes too “—Larry either ignoring me or scolding me, and Cynthia digging into every detail of your life and trying to fix it.”

“You call your parents by their first names?”

Connor rolls his eyes. “You’re not listening to me.”

“No, I am. But I mean, how bad can it really be?”

Connor laughs. “Don’t jinx it.”

Evan waves a hand at him. “I’ll be fine. _We’ll_ be fine.”

Connor shrugs and turns back to face the road. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

The rest of the drive is relatively silent, Zoe not offering her input once. Connor finds it very relaxing. When they get home, he waits for Evan to get out of the car before heading inside. Consequently, Zoe’s gotten her guitar out and walks in with them, making polite conversation with Evan.

“Connor? Zoe?” Cynthia calls. Connor gives Evan a pointed look and Evan tries to straighten himself. Connor struggles not to laugh. Cynthia comes around the corner, all smiles and a flowing white blouse. “Oh, hi, you must be Evan! I’m Cynthia.”

Connor pushes Evan forward, just to watch him suffer, and Evan lifts a hand up to awkwardly wave. “Hi, yes, um, I’m Evan. I-it’s nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.” Cynthia’s smile has not wavered once, and Connor has to give her credit. The three of them must look like a weird combination. “Do you have any allergies that I should know about?”

“N-no, not that I know of.”

“Okay, good. Dinner will be ready in about an hour, hour and a half. I’ll call you when it’s ready, okay?”

“Sure,” Connor says, grabbing Evan’s good wrist and pulling him toward the staircase. “We’ll be upstairs.”

They get up to Connor’s room and Connor shuts the door loudly, making a point, before dropping his bag and collapsing on his bed. Evan stands in the center of his room awkwardly, like he’s not sure where to go or like he’s trying to check it out without seeming rude. Knowing him, it’s probably both.

“You can sit wherever,” Connor tells him. “Or look around. Whatever.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

Evan starts perusing the space, observing Connor’s posters for various books and a couple bands, stopping and staring at one of the bookshelves and trying to read the titles before moving to the next bookshelf to read those titles. He looks at the two framed pictures Connor has in his room: one of him and Zoe on Halloween when they were little kids, both dressed up as Spider-Man, and the other of his family from years ago on one of those ski trips that Connor fucking hates. Both of those memories are good ones, the only reasons Connor has chosen to hold onto them. Not the best memories, no, but good ones.

“You have a lot of books,” Evan notes. Connor laughs.

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“But, I mean, some of these are like… Obscure or huge. Have you read them all?”

“No,” he admits. “But I’ve read a lot of them. I think books are my kryptonite.”

Evan laughs. “I’ll say.”

Connor sits up in his bed, gesturing at the bookshelf Evan is in front of. “It’s just that with books… You can get lost in this little world and you create it yourself and it’s all yours and no matter how people read the same book, they will never have a world that looks like yours. And the main characters are almost always trying their best and the whole thing is that their best isn’t good enough, but they keep trying anyway. I just… I think it’s cool, that they keep trying. It makes me feel like, I don’t know, like I should keep trying. That’s dumb, sorry.”

“No.” Evan has this funny look on his face. “No, I-I think that’s really sweet. And you’re right. You should keep trying. All you can do is try.” Then Evan gets a different look on his face and he laughs. “This is like déjà-vu.”

“What?”

“No, nothing. Just, this is kinda like the conversation I had with Zoe. You guys remind me of each other.”

“Well, we are related.”

“No, smart-ass,” Evan huffs, and Connor raises his eyebrows at Evan being anything but awkward and polite. But Evan doesn’t notice. “I mean, you guys have so much in common and you don’t even know it. It’s almost painful.”

Connor doesn’t think he wants to have this conversation. “Zoe and I don’t talk, Evan.”

“Exactly! If you guys just talked—”

“I don’t want to talk about this,” Connor decides. He looks around his room for some distraction. He points to his laptop. “Do you wanna watch a movie instead?”

Evan sighs but concedes. They load up Netflix and decide to lay side-by-side on Connor’s bed, which, thankfully, is big enough for the two of them. Connor lets Evan chose, so they end up watching some documentary on deforestation. It’s actually pretty interesting and they’re both into it when Zoe knocks on his door and peeks her head in about an hour later.

“Hey, dinner’s ready,” she tells them. Connor pauses the documentary and gets up, moving over to give Evan the space to get up.

“Last chance to back out,” Connor warns.

“I don’t think it’ll be that bad,” Zoe adds. Connor glares at her and she makes a face back. It feels for a second like they’re kids again.

“I’m all in,” Evan replies, standing up. “Let’s go.”

Connor shrugs and the three of them make their way downstairs.

Larry’s already seated at the dinner table and an extra chair as been pulled up on one side for Evan. Cynthia’s setting bowls and plates down on the table, practiced and precise. Zoe sits on one side of the table, closest to the two chairs next to each other. Evan and Connor take their seats beside each other.

“Hi,” Evan says to Larry, who glances up from his phone and offers a smile.

“Hi, I’m Larry. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Evan.” And Larry’s looking back down at his email. Connor tries to hold back his scoff, having to look away in the end. Zoe looks down at her plate, like she’s too afraid to say something.

“Okay, so I didn’t know what to make, so I made a bit of everything!” Cynthia announces, coming around the corner with what looks like pasta of some kind. Apparently, though, it’s the last dish, because she’s sitting down next to Larry, across from Connor and Evan, and is smiling widely.

“I like everything,” Evan says. Cynthia’s smile softens and she nods.

“Good.”

They start piling food on their plates, and Cynthia asks Zoe about her day. Zoe makes a bit of small talk as everyone is getting their food, but Cynthia’s main focus is Evan. That’s clear to everyone. Connor already wishes he could go back to his room and send Evan home.

“So, Evan, tell us about yourself,” Cynthia requests.

Evan glances at Connor, who shrugs back at him. Evan clears his throat and looks back at Cynthia.

“Okay, um, I’m a senior, as well. I live with my mom. She’s a nurse, but she’s going to school for some legal thing. I, uh, don’t have a job, but I worked at Ellison Park over the summer.”

“Did you like working at the park?” Zoe asks, stabbing at her chicken. She has a little smile on her face that Connor doesn’t understand, but Evan must, because he has a matching one on his face.

“Yeah, it was great. I love trees.”

Zoe bursts out laughing. It shocks everyone, and Cynthia gets a worried look on her face, like she thinks Zoe is bullying Evan or something.

“Zoe,” she starts to say.

“No, uh, sorry, it’s an inside joke,” Evan explains.

“He just loves trees,” Zoe giggles.

“An inside joke? You’re friends with Zoe as well?”

“Oh, well, it’s a new friendship, but yeah.”

Connor’s not sure how his mom’s smile keeps changing, but he thinks it grows just then. “That’s really good.”

“Yeah,” Evan breathes.

“So, if you don’t mind my asking, how did you break your arm?”

Connor and Evan have talked about this before, back when they first met. Evan claimed he fell out of a tree, but Connor read that note that Evan wrote, the one where he talked about Zoe. It wasn’t a happy note, and he knows that Evan has anxiety and takes medication and goes to therapy. He thinks maybe there’s more to Evan than what he says, maybe more to the story of how he broke his arm. But he doubts Evan will say anything about that to Cynthia.

“Oh, I, uh, fell out of a tree.”

Evan doesn’t disappoint.

“Oh, that’s weird,” Cynthia says with a furrowed brow. Then she realizes what she’s said and looks a little sheepish. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—”

“No, it is,” Evan laughs. “It’s really weird. My mom was so confused when she found out.”

Cynthia nods. Larry’s still practically ignoring them, eating his food and staring at his phone. Zoe’s unusually quiet, other than the one joke that her and Evan apparently share. It’s not a bad dinner, so far.

“So you and Connor have been friends for, what, a couple weeks now? That’s good. We’re really happy to hear that Connor has a good friend, aren’t we, Larry?”

Larry looks up and nods dutifully. “Yes, we are.” And back down again.

Cynthia’s smile tightens. Connor feels bad for his mom; she’s really just trying her best, but everyone is making it impossible to get through this in one piece.

“So did you and Evan go to the orchard yet?” Zoe asks. Cynthia’s eyes light up. Connor silently thanks his sister. She must receive the message, because she sends him a little smile back.

“The orchard, yeah,” Evan remembers. “We talked about going, but we never actually did it.”

“We can’t drive,” Connor adds.

“Well, maybe a day won’t hurt anyone,” Cynthia says suddenly. Connor wasn’t asking her permission or anything, but if she’s freely giving it, he’ll take it.

“We’ll have to plan it out,” Connor nods.

“How about tomorrow?” Evan chimes in. Connor smiles at him and glances at his mother, hoping she’ll understand the silent question in his eyes.

“Okay,” she beams.

“Zoe, can I—” Connor starts.

“Sure,” Zoe agrees immediately. “But, um, don’t damage it, will you?”

Connor rolls his eyes. “No promises,” he jokes. Zoe grins.

“Good,” Cynthia says, more to herself, but Connor hears her. “Very good.”

The conversation drops off there, everyone happily turning to their food and enjoying it as much as they can with Cynthia’s cooking.

When everyone’s done, Evan rises from the table and tries to collect the dirty plates. Cynthia refuses to let him help, instead telling him to go hang out with Connor. Evan thanks her and Connor drags him back upstairs to finish their documentary. When that one ends, they find a new documentary about ocean reefs or something, and watch it in amicable silence. At the end, Evan decides he should probably go home. Evan gets his stuff and Connor heads to Zoe’s room, knocking on her door.

“Hey,” he says, popping his head in. She’s doing homework and listening music, but it must not be very loud because she’s already looking up at him and pulling an earbud out. “Can you take Evan home?”

“Oh, yeah, sure.” She drops her pencil on her textbook and climbs out of bed. “Anything to stop doing fucking trig.”

Connor snorts, opening the door all the way and moving to the side to let her out of her room. “Trust me, it doesn’t get better.”

Zoe laughs loudly and Evan comes out of Connor’s room with his stuff. The three of them head downstairs and Connor walks them to the door.

“I’ll text you about tomorrow, yeah?” Connor says.

Evan nods. “I’ll be waiting. I mean, I won’t be waiting, but, like, I’ll be expecting a message. No, I mean—”

Zoe snorts, then turns to open the door and give them a semblance of privacy. Connor laughs and shoves Evan lightly and playfully. Evan smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay, goodnight, Connor.”

“Goodnight, Evan.”

Connor closes the door after them, and when he turns around, his mom is waiting there smiling at him.

“Hi,” he says, raising an eyebrow.

“I like him,” she decides. “A lot. I think he’ll be very good for you.”

Connor tries not to let it show how much that comment means to him. Instead, he shoves his hands in his pockets and shrugs.

“Yeah, maybe.”

He’s starting to move past her when she catches his arm.

“Honey?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really proud of you.”

Connor’s heart aches. He swallows down his emotions, but gives her a genuine smile.

“Thanks, Mom.”

She lets him go. He heads upstairs and climbs in bed, putting on a new nature documentary and curling up for the night, feeling warm in a way he hasn’t in a really long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the aftermath of evan's talk with zoe and how it starts to impact her relationship with connor. they are being very cordial to each other in this chapter, but as i stated, this doesn't erase everything they've done to each other. they still have a lot way to go and some things just can't be forgiven.
> 
> this is also our first view of the murphy family! so i personally view cynthia as the mom who tries her absolute best, but she's more of a "keep going, push through it" type of person, which isn't really something you can do with mental health. larry, on the other hand, is very much out of the picture. we know that in the musical (and book) he cares very much for connor but keeps his feelings at bay. that's what i tried to incorporate here, although this is really more of the ignoring part.
> 
> this is also the beginning of evan and connor's friendship! they're starting to realize that they like having the other around, and connor's even saying best friend! how exciting for them!
> 
> connor is my absolute angel. his whole spiel about books is my firm believe and the reason i write, actually. so i can potentially help people and give them something like dear evan hansen, for instance, where they can connect to the stories and the characters. so, yeah :)
> 
> lastly: i did make a bit of an outline for this story and i think it's only going to be like 15 chapters, maybe a little bit more. i'm already on chapter, like, 12, but i still have to go back and edit all the old stuff so it's good to post. but i will definitely be back very soon!
> 
> thank you all so much for supporting me and my baby. it means the absolute world to me. <3


	7. sevan (get it? like evan?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan likes it, this little group they’ve made. In just a month of starting his senior year, he already has three friends. It’s pretty amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i would say this is late, but i don't have a posting schedule. take it anyway!
> 
> any warnings i can think of: Tetris again, serious overuse of italics and word "good", mentions of past suicide attempts but not too explicitly (still caution to those reading as it may be triggering), the word "gay" is used in a way that may be perceived as negative/derogatory but it is not meant that way and is more a joke than anything, blink-and-you'll-miss-it dark thoughts, and that's it!
> 
> as always, mistakes are my own. if anything's strange, lemme know!

Evan wakes up Saturday morning to a text message from Connor.

From: Connor Murphy

orchard @ like 10:30?

It’s only 9:34 right now. Evan texts back an affirmative to Connor and pulls himself up to start getting ready. He randomly thinks about how he wishes his mom was here to have breakfast with him. He hasn’t seen Heidi since Thursday and he kind of misses her. She works virtually everyday and has class most weeknights, so the time Heidi and Evan spend together is very limited. There are some days when he just needs a hug from his mom and she’s nowhere to be found.

He sighs, pushes the feeling away. He’s going to the orchard with Connor, the orchard they’ve been talking about. The place has some kind of good memory with Connor, so he thinks that it’ll be good for them both: Connor to relieve the good memories and Evan to help him create new ones, or even create memories for himself. He’s never had a friend like this before, not even Jared—although they’re different now, learning how to be closer and more trusting—and he’s not entirely sure how to do this. But he thinks Connor’s just as lost as him; they’ll figure it out together.

He makes himself toast, which isn’t really breakfast, but it’ll do. He finds some random action movie to watch on TV and sits on the couch to eat. He thinks maybe he should text Jared, because he actually has a lot to catch him up on. But it’ll probably be easier to wait until school Monday, although he’s sure Jared will be upset about that.

So he waits, tries to busy himself with whatever he can find for the next hour, finally giving up and just sitting by the front door for the last twenty minutes, playing Tetris on his phone.

At 10:27, a car starts rapidly honking outside Evan’s house. He’s fairly confident it’s Connor. Annoying honking is apparently a Murphy trait.

He heads outside, pleased to find that he’s right, and climbs into the passenger seat.

“Hey.” Connor seems cheerier today. Evan’s not sure if it’s the driving or the orchard that’s making him happy.

“Hey,” Evan returns. “How are you?”

“I’m driving,” he practically whispers as Zoe’s poor car screeches down Evan’s street. Evan holds on for dear life, discovering that it is definitely the driving that is making Connor so thrilled.

They fall into a silence for a couple miles—Evan a little too preoccupied with hanging on tightly—before he starts the conversation up again.

“So where is this place?”

“Orchard Lane,” Connor retorts dryly. Evan rolls his eyes.

“I meant, how far is it?”

“Like thirty minutes, tops. Are you that scared of my driving?”

“Absolutely.”

Connor laughs manically.

Evan tightens his grip.

+++

They pull up to the orchard closer to 11, Connor kind of pulling into one of the old parking spots, although the end of the Volvo is dangling in two other spots. Connor doesn’t seem to care, so Evan pretends he doesn’t notice. They clamber out and Evan’s about to start off toward the trees when Connor stops him.

“Hold up,” he calls. He reaches into the backseat and pulls out what looks like a picnic basket.

“Is that—?”

“Shut up,” Connor blushes. The color looks good on him. Evan’s stomach clenches, but it’s definitely not nerves.

They start walking toward the trees again, and Connor tells Evan that it’s his job to decide where to set up camp. They’ve been walking for five or ten minutes when Evan sees the biggest tree he’s seen since Ellison Park and points them over there. Connor pulls a blanket out of the basket and sets it down before gesturing for Evan to sit in the shade.

Connor sits across from him and starts pulling food and drinks out of the picnic basket, although Evan isn’t all that hungry.

“So, Zoe was being really nice to you,” Evan notes. Connor shrugs a shoulder.

“It’s unnerving,” he admits. Evan purses his lips. That’s definitely not the reaction he was hoping Connor would have. “But I guess it’s kind of nice. I think I missed her.”

Evan smiles. “Probably.”

“Do you have siblings? I mean, I know your dad isn’t in the picture, but does he have any other kids?”

“Oh, um, I guess. His wife has two girls. And she’s pregnant with their first boy.”

“Second.”

“What?” Evan looks up.

“That’d be their second boy. ’Cause you’re the first,” Connor explains.

“Yeah, oh, yeah, of course. Their second boy.” He tries not to sound bitter. He’s not sure it works.

Connor hands him half a sandwich as an apology. He accepts it gratefully.

“What happened to your dad, if I can ask?” Evan should have guessed Connor would ask. It’s only natural for normal people to talk about their families. But Evan’s not normal. Never has been.

“He left me and my mom when I was seven,” Evan admits softly.

“He just… Left?”

“One day a moving truck came and took him away,” Evan recalls. It’s the story he remembers Heidi telling him as a little kid. It was only when he got older did he understand the meaning.

“That’s… Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

Evan shrugs. “It’s—it was a long time ago. I don’t think about it anymore.” That’s a lie, but he hopes Connor doesn’t notice.

Connor just nods. They eat in silence for a while, absorbing the nature and the gentle autumn breeze.

“Have you thought about college?” Evan asks suddenly, the thought just springing into his head as he’s thinking about the changing seasons and where _he’ll_ be next fall. Connor stares at him.

“You mean going?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“I guess. I’ve thought about it, sure. Will I actually do it, is the question.”

“Will you?”

“I’m… Not sure, honestly. I think so. I don’t even know what I like, though. How could I possibly decide what I want to do with my life?”

“Well, you like books and writing, right?”

“Sure.”

“Maybe you could study English or creative writing. I was thinking about either of those or maybe something like ecology or something with trees. I don’t really know.”

“That’d be good for you,” Connor nods. “Maybe I’ll do English. I don’t think I’d hate it.”

“Might actually enjoy yourself,” Evan jokes.

“Wouldn’t that be something?” Connor returns. They smile at each other. Then Connor’s face darkens a little, like he’s just thought of something. “Just have to get through this year first.”

“Yeah, but you’re not alone. That counts for something, doesn’t it?”

Connor smiles again, eyes focusing on Evan. “Yeah, I think it does.” He pauses. “You’re not either, you know.”

“Huh?”

“Just—we talk about me a lot,” Connor acknowledges. “And I want you to know that you’re not alone either. I’m here.”

“I know that.” And he does. He wasn’t sure at first, but now that he and Connor are constantly talking to each other, constantly checking in, he knows that Connor will always be there for him.

“Good.” Connor scratches the back of his neck. Nervous habit, Evan’s decided. “So, um, any girls you’re interested in?”

Evan laughs loudly. “What?”

“I don’t know, isn’t that what normal guys talk about?”

“We’re not normal guys,” Evan counters.

“You know what I mean.”

“Well, um, I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head. I think Zoe was my one real crush.” Not counting whatever’s currently happening with Connor, but Evan’s trying really hard not to think about that and especially not to use the C-word. “I don’t really notice girls. Or guys.”

“Or guys?” Connor echoes, bewildered.

“I’m not straight.”

“Oh?”

“I’m bisexual.”

He’s never told anyone that. Not even Jared. Not even Heidi. He’s hardly admitted it to himself. And now he’s just saying it to Connor. And what if Connor gets weirded out? Is Connor straight? He has to be. And he’ll probably be so freaked out that Evan’s bi and he’ll freak out and then Evan won’t have any friends again and he’ll be all alone—

“Me too.”

“What?”

“I’m bisexual,” Connor says. It’s easy and simple, rolls off his tongue. This is a fact that he’s confident about. Evan exhales.

“Oh, wow, that’s cool.”

“Yeah.”

“So… any guys you’ve noticed?” Evan asks in an attempt to clear the awkward tension.

Now Connor’s laughing at him, but Evan’s heart is soaring and the tension is gone.

+++

They’ve been at the orchard for hours. Connor has to text his mom every hour to let her know that they’re both okay, but other than that, they’re undisturbed. They’ve been talking about everything and anything the entire time, occasionally dropping the conversation when it lulls to take in the view, before one of them thinks of a new topic and they’re talking again.

They’ve ate all the food Connor brought and are lying down on the blanket, side by side now, staring up at the green canopy the tree branches create, when Connor says, “Hey, Evan?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

“Me too.”

It’s not that surprising how easy that answer comes, or that Connor’s even said what he said in the first place. Evan’s glad Connor feels it too, but he’s definitely not surprised. Because this, what’s happening now, feels so natural. It feels right. It feels like forever.

“Hey,” Connor says again. Evan looks over at him. There’s a good couple feet between them, but when they’re looking at each other like this, the distance somehow seems a whole lot smaller. “How high do you think we could climb?” He’s gesturing to the big tree that they’re under. Evan doesn’t want to climb a tree. Not when he feels like this.

But he says, “I don’t know, maybe 20 feet. Without my gimp arm, maybe 40.”

“Wanna try it?”

_Not particularly._

“Yeah, okay.”

They get up and start trying to plan the best route up the tree. Connor finds a lower branch and helps Evan get up. And they start climbing.

They’re probably 10 feet up when Connor speaks again.

“How’d you break your arm, Evan?”

The question catches Evan off-guard. His hand slips, but he remains upright, trying to quietly calm his chattering heart.

“Wha—what?”

“Your arm. How’d you break it?”

“I f-fell out of a tree,” Evan lies, but it’s not that smooth anymore. And Connor doesn’t believe him.

“Okay, but, you love trees, right? And you’re climbing this one with one arm and just… There’s no way you fell off that tree. I won’t tell anyone, I just want to know. How did you really break your arm, Evan?”

Evan’s stopped climbing by now, but Connor’s right behind him, just waiting for him. The question feels like too much, the thought that Connor _knows_, that he might judge him. It’s too much.

_How did you really break your arm, Evan?_

He feels the tears on his cheeks, but he doesn’t know when he started crying. But Connor’s just looking at him, waiting patiently and not pushing him, letting him work it out on his own. If Evan needs Connor, he’s right there.

He thinks that’s probably why he says it.

“I let go.”

It’s only a whisper, barely audible over the wind, but Connor hears it. Evan exhales. The weight of carrying the truth around is suddenly lifted off his shoulders and it’s a little easier to breath now.

“Why?”

Evan laughs darkly. It’s probably the emotions and the absurdity of the question that makes him laugh, but Connor stays silent, waiting.

(He just keeps waiting. Waiting and waiting and waiting on Evan. Like Evan is something to wait _for_. The thought makes him overwhelmingly nauseous.)

“I just…I don’t know. I—I got in a bad place,” Evan sniffles. Takes a breath. Starts again. “I wasn’t doing good and it was so stupid and I just started climbing and then I just… Let go. I woke up on the ground and my arm was numb and I was all alone and I thought that someone would have to come get me. No one did, though. So I got up and I walked back to the park ranger headquarters at Ellison Park. And I never told anyone. H—How could I? _Who_ could I tell?”

Connor’s silent for a couple minutes. It’s just Evan’s harsh breathing and the blowing breeze. Then:

“I tried to kill myself when I was 15.”

“What?” Evan shifts so he can see Connor better, wiping his cheeks free from tears.

“I, uh, swallowed a bunch of pills and locked myself in the bathroom. My dad ended up breaking it down. I spent, like, three weeks in a mental hospital. That’s when I found out I have bipolar disorder, actually.”

“You have bipolar?”

“Yeah.” Connor huffs a bitter laugh. “Shitty way to find out, in my opinion. But I remember thinking that someone will definitely come get me, someone will figure it out, someone will help me. They took a long time though, and I was passed out by the time they found me. I thought I was going to die alone. I was so scared. And then I woke up and part of me was relieved, you know? Like, thank God I was alive, but also, how could I have possibly done that? I… I try not to think about that anymore.”

Evan nods, turning to look out at the horizon. So they’re both a little fucked up. Evan knew that already. He sighs.

“Let’s head down.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

And they climb down together.

+++

It’s nearing 3 in the afternoon when Connor suggests they should head home. Evan helps him pack up and they walk back to the car together in silence. They found a lot out about each other today, and Evan thinks they’re stronger now, better because of it. He hopes they are.

They’re driving back when Connor suddenly swerves and makes a sharp left. Evan curses loudly as he hits his head on the window.

“Jesus fuck, Connor!”

Connor laughs. The bastard.

“Sorry! But look!”

All Evan sees is a rundown-looking building with a huge sign that says _A La Mode_ on it. Evan raises his eyebrows.

“Okay, I’m sorry, you slammed my head into the car window so you could get ice cream?”

“Not ice cream,” Connor informs him. “_A La Mode_.”

“Oh, God.”

They pull in and Connor rushes him out of the car, taking his good hand and dragging him inside. Evan tries not to focus on the feeling of Connor’s hand in his own—the slight roughness of his palm, his chipped black nail polish, the way Evan swears he can feel Connor’s heartbeat—but it’s pretty damn hard.

The bored-looking teenager pops her gum at them as they approach. Connor points out all the different flavors, smiling excitedly at Evan.

“You have to try something, dude,” he says. Evan figures, _what the hell_, and leans forward to inspect the flavors. Connor decides on bubblegum of all things and Evan decides on the more practical cookies and cream. The girl gives them their waffle cones, snapping her gum at them again, and Connor insists on paying, which makes Evan blush for no good reason, and the girl raise a pierced eyebrow at them, and they head back out to Zoe’s car. Connor pops the trunk and they sit there, staring out at the highway and eating their ice cream, Evan laughing when Connor ends up wearing half of his because he thought it’d be funny to try and show Evan the “proper” way to eat ice cream.

Evan thinks it’s probably the best day he’s ever had.

+++

The rest of the weekend passes quickly. Evan and Connor don’t see each other, but they text constantly, to the point that Connor apparently gets in trouble for having his phone at the dinner table. But he says that it’s the only time his mom’s ever scolded him with a smile on her face.

On Monday, Evan patiently waits on the curb for Jared, excited to tell him everything that’s happened in the past couple days.

Jared pulls up and honks obnoxiously. Evan’s starting to wonder if maybe it’s just his friends that misuse their horns.

Evan climbs in and greets Jared. Jared sneers at him, but it’s loving.

“C—can I tell you about my weekend?”

“If you must,” Jared allows.

“Well, on Thursday, I hung out with Zoe Murphy and—”

“Whoa, what the fuck? You and _Zoe_ went out?”

“Like, in the literal sense, yes. But it wasn’t a date.”

“I’m very confused. You’ve barely started and I’m already confused, Evan.”

“Okay, _so_, Zoe started talking to me on Thursday during English and then she asked if we could hang out and I said sure so we hung out and then we talked a bit and I think I realized that I don’t like her, but she’s really cool and I think we’re friends now.”

“Okay. Okay.” Jared nods, taking in Evan’s fast-paced ramblings. He’s used to them by now. “So _Zoe Murphy_ initiated the conversation with _you_, Evan Hansen?”

Evan rolls his eyes. He’s starting to pick up Connor’s habits. “Yes.”

“And then you hung out and talked or whatever _that_ means, and you don’t like her? Like, at all?”

“Nope.”

“Are you gay?”

“_Jared_,” Evan scolds.

“No, like, genuinely. She’s absolutely gorgeous, are you crazy?”

“She’s insanely beautiful, I’m aware. But she’s a better friend to me than anything, I think.”

“God, you’re _so_ gay.”

“Actually, I’m bi,” Evan says in a fit of bravery and defiance (and, hey, looks like Zoe was right after all). Jared looks at him with a raised eyebrow. Then he shrugs a shoulder and adjusts his grip on the wheel.

“Yeah, I know.”

“W—wait, what?”

“Dude, you’re _so_ not subtle.”

“Oh my God.” Evan buries his face in his hands.

“But, hey, me too.”

Evan pulls his hands away to look at Jared. He totally called it. “Really?”

“Oh, no, for sure. Dude, if you saw Wesley—”

And then Jared’s talking about the Calculus guy again and Evan lets him talk for a bit about this Wesley guy’s hair or whatever, until he politely brings the conversation back to himself.

“Right, so, then, on Friday, I had dinner at the Murphy’s.”

Jared’s eyes bug a little.

“Meeting the parents already? Damn, Hansen, you work quick.”

“I just said I don’t like Zoe,” Evan punctuates with an eye roll.

“Yeah, no, I definitely wasn’t talking about her,” Jared points out. Evan ignores him, blushing furiously, pretending he has no idea what Jared means. (Apparently he needs to learn how to control himself now, because if Jared can tell, then that means anyone can tell.)

“So, _anyway_, it was really good and they were all really nice. And then Saturday, Connor and I went on a picnic at the old apple orchard.”

“You, I’m sorry, you went on a _picnic_ with _Connor Murphy_ at an _apple orchard_?”

“Yes.”

“Evan?”

“Don’t even say it, Jared, I swear—”

“You’re _so_ gay.”

+++

The day is pretty normal until lunch, when Evan heads outside to see Zoe Murphy sitting next to Jared, trying to pretend like she’s listening to whatever he’s ranting about. Connor’s just staring blankly at Jared, clearly not amused.

Evan approaches the table and Connor sits up, smiling at Evan as he notices his presence.

“Hey,” he greets.

“Hey,” Evan returns.

“Get a room,” Jared groans. Zoe laughs. Evan and Connor both glare at him, and Evan fiercely prays that both Connor and Zoe write it off as Jared just being his asshole self.

“How was your morning, Evan?” Zoe asks, taking the attention off Jared.

“It was fine. Productive, I guess. How about you?”

“It was good, actually. How was your morning, Connor?” She gives him a pointed look. Connor looks flustered at the attention, but clears his throat and gives a practiced half-shrug.

“It was good,” he echoes. Zoe seems satisfied.

“My morning was pretty good too,” Jared chirps, although no one has asked him. “Learned some interesting stuff.” He winks dramatically at Evan.

“Oh my God,” Evan softly groans, leaning his head into his hands. Jared starts cackling.

The four of them eat and chat together. Jared talks shit about stuff he knows nothing about, Zoe laughs at him and steals some of Evan’s goldfish even though she has her own, and Connor takes half of Evan’s sandwich, knocking it against the other half in Evan’s hand in a quasi-cheers. Evan likes it, this little group they’ve made. In just a month of starting his senior year, he already has three friends. It’s pretty amazing.

At the end of lunch, Connor pulls him aside and ushers the others inside. Evan tries not to look worried. He catches Zoe give him a thumbs-up and Jared make an obscene hand gesture. He ignores them both.

“Do you wanna come over tonight?” Evan wasn’t necessarily expecting that, but it makes him feel warm all over.

“Oh, yeah, sure.”

Connor grins. “Cool, Zoe and I can take you back to our house, okay?”

“For sure. I’ll meet you at her car after school.”

“Okay, great.”

They smile at each other, lingering until the warning bell rings. And then the moment ends and they’re heading inside.

+++

At the end of the day, Evan finds himself being led back inside the Murphy house by Connor and Zoe, the three of them talking about how much they hate their old gym teacher, of all things. Cynthia hears them enter and comes around to greet them.

“Oh, Evan! It’s nice to see you,” she smiles warmly, wiping her hands on a dish towel.

“Y-you too, Mrs. Murphy.”

“Oh, please, it’s Cynthia, Evan.”

“Oh, o-okay, Cynthia.”

Connor rolls his eyes fondly and moves around them. “Bathroom,” he calls over his shoulder. Zoe pats Evan on the arm and heads toward the staircase. Evan starts to follow her, but Cynthia stops him.

“Sorry, I just… I wanted to ask you something about Connor, actually.”

“O-oh? Um, okay, yeah.”

“Is he happy?”

And, wow, isn’t that a loaded question. Is Connor happy? Evan’s not sure. There are definitely times where it seems like they’re all normal and like everything’s simple and easy, but Evan knows firsthand that that’s not true. Issues like theirs don’t get fixed overnight, or even over the course of a month. It takes time, and it’ll probably be years before they find themselves truly happy in their skin. And yet. The way Connor looks at him sometimes… Evan thinks that’s happiness. He can’t be sure, but it kind of looks right.

“I think so,” he decides.

Cynthia pushes her lips together, her eyes getting shiny. It looks like she’s trying not to cry. Evan opens his mouth to try to apologize or maybe comfort her when she grabs his good arm with both hands.

“_Thank you_,” she whispers.

“O-oh, I’m not—”

“But you are. Connor hardly tells me anything, but I can tell that you’re good for him. And good _to_ him. You’re a good friend, Evan, and a good person. You’ve helped us more than you can possibly know.”

The words make Evan feel warm, but he also thinks there’s still a bit of miscommunication. “He’s not better, or whatever. I—I mean, he’s getting there, but—but that takes time, you know?”

“No, I know,” Cynthia nods. “But he’s finally on the right track. Did you know he started singing again?” Cynthia chokes out something that’s half a laugh and half a sob. “He used to sing all the time when he was a little boy, him and Zoe. Sing while he was showering, helping out with the dishes, brushing his teeth. He stopped around the time he started having other problems, but just the other day I was getting his laundry and I heard him in the bathroom brushing his teeth and singing again. He was _singing_, Evan.” Tears are rolling down her cheeks. “I forgot how good he was, too! I missed his voice.”

Evan swallows the lump that’s formed in his throat. It scares him when other people cry, but he knows this is a good cry. So he nods at Cynthia. “T—that’s really good.”

Cynthia laughs, wiping her eyes and finally letting go of Evan. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

Connor finally comes back from the bathroom then. Cynthia disguises her crying quickly, making an excuse about having to attend to the dishes and exiting the room. Connor raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t question it, instead gesturing for Evan to follow him upstairs.

+++

They lay side-by-side on Connor’s bed again, but Connor lays on his back and reads some book Evan’s never heard of, while Evan lays on his stomach and works on his homework. It’s comfortable and easy, like this is something they’ve always done. At some point Zoe comes in and sits in Connor’s desk chair and starts strumming her guitar. Evan and Connor acknowledge her, but neither of them say anything about her playing. They enjoy the break from silence.

Evan doesn’t stay for dinner, but Cynthia does suggest that Connor drives him home. Zoe just tosses over her keys. Her and Connor seem to be doing really good these past couple days. Evan knows that they still have a long way to go too, that the years they spent hating each other can’t be fixed so soon, but they’ve started and they’re both trying (at least, Evan’s pretty sure Connor’s trying. Zoe is for sure, but he also knows that Connor hasn’t been lashing out like he usually does, which is definitely helping the situation).

They climb into Zoe’s car and Connor starts heading in the direction of Evan’s house. They don’t say anything for a couple minutes, but then Connor starts the conversation.

“What did my mom say to you? When I went to the bathroom.”

“Oh, uh.” Evan scratches the back of his neck, another habit he’s picked up from Connor. “Well, she asked how you were doing.” Honesty’s probably best at this point.

“And what’d you tell her?” Connor doesn’t sound mad, just curious.

“I said you were doing good. Really good. She said she was proud of you.” That wasn’t explicitly said, but Evan knows that she is, could feel it radiating off of her when she spoke about him and the progress he’s made. After all, she wouldn’t be asking about Connor and telling Evan stories and crying if she wasn’t.

“Oh.” Connor’s cheeks are red. “Okay.”

The conversation lulls again and then they’re pulling up at Evan’s house. Evan feels like he should say something to Connor, tell him that he’s proud of him too, tell him that he’s so happy that they’re friends and that he thinks he’s never been happier. So he turns to look at Connor and opens his mouth and then Connor’s kissing him.

Even doesn’t know how to react, just frozen with his mouth still half-open and Connor giving him his first real kiss and he thinks that he needs to do something, like kiss back, but his brain is barely working and he’s so confused as to how they jumped from point A to point B and he needs to tell Connor or something and suddenly he’s overthinking and working himself into a panic and now Connor’s pulling away, looking hurt, and _Jesus, Evan did that to him_.

So Evan dives across the console, grabbing the front of Connor’s jacket with his good hand, and shoves their lips together. The position is definitely worse this time around, and kissing kind of feels weird, but then Connor tilts his head and, _oh_, that’s perfect.

Evan’s not sure how long they kiss, or when his hand curled around Connor’s neck and into his hair, or when Connor’s hands came up to the sides of his face and held him there. But it’s good, _really_ good, and Evan doesn’t want it to ever stop.

Eventually, Connor does pull away, kissing Evan three times gently before leaning back fully, so he can drink in the sight of Evan. Connor’s pretty flushed and his lips are all red (which is so hot, _wow_), so Evan can only imagine what he looks like.

“That was…” Evan starts.

“Yeah,” Connor finishes.

Then he starts laughing and Evan joins in, leaning back into his seat, whatever tension may have been there dissolving instantly.

“Where did that come from?” Evan asks when they’ve calmed down.

Connor shrugs. “I don’t know. I was just thinking about how much my life has changed with you in it and how damn cute you look, and I just knew I had to do it now.”

“I’m glad you did,” Evan admits shyly. Connor looks at him and grins.

“Yeah?”

“Definitely.”

He wants to ask what this means about them, but he doesn’t want to sound like a girl or, like, ruin the moment or anything. So instead he says:

“I—I’ll text you.”

Connor just grins back at him. “Okay.”

He grabs his bag and goes to hop out of the car, but Connor puts a hand on his cast, leaning in and giving him one last sweet kiss before shoving him lightly toward the door. Evan laughs and gets out, throwing a wave over his shoulder as he heads to the front door.

Connor doesn’t pull away until Evan’s actually walking into the house. He closes the door and leans against it, sinking to his feet. He thinks he might throw up and his palms are really sweaty and he’s probably gonna have a heart attack given how fast his heart is racing. But he’s happy. He’s _happy_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is it obvious i don't know how to properly write kissing scenes? lol oops
> 
> so, couple of things:
> 
> yes, connor is definitely bisexual, but i also think he leans a bit more towards guys. (the same way i think zoe probably leans more towards girls and jared is a True Bisexual that likes both equally; this all comes from someone who is definitely bisexual and usually leans more towards guys). evan is also bi, as he states, but i literally have no idea where he would fall, but since i ship him with connor, i'm guessing there's only one option (pun emphatically intended)
> 
> connor also has bipolar disorder! (and yes, there is definitely a difference between "has bipolar" and "is bipolar" because you are not your illness.) i personally was diagnosed with it almost a year ago, but i've been living with it for as long as i can remember. i think connor shows a lot of the symptoms and wanted to explore my own relationship to bpd as well as his relationship to bpd (and giving a bit of representation because there's not a lot of representation out there). 99% of connor's experiences reflect my own and my struggles with mental health. we'll explore it better a bit later, but what i wanted to highlight was that when he tells evan after he's kissed him that he had to do it now, that's the mania that's making him think like that (he wanted to kiss evan anyway, but the mania is what's telling him now now now now). there will be more little examples of his bpd throughout the fic, but this is one of the main reasons i got into this fandom: i found myself within connor. and i hope you all find yourselves too :,)
> 
> lastly! i also wanted to highlight that the conversations between connor and evan (when they're not getting too personal or emotional) involve a lot less stuttering on evan's part, and that's me trying to show you that evan's slowly getting more comfortable being around connor, to the point where he doesn't really have his usual awkward stutter. it might be a little ooc, but i know from personal experience that i am very lousy with words speaking-wise when i'm around anyone who's not my best friend or my immediate family (and even then it's sometimes rough). so evan stutters around everyone, even jared and zoe, because he's not too familiar with them. yet.
> 
> thank you all so much for reading! i'm trying to wrap this up, but i've been so busy with school and work and everything that i'm not writing as much as i feel i should. regardless, thank you for commenting and liking and reading and all that fun stuff. it seriously means the world to me. i read and reply to every single comment and i am constantly refreshing my browser to see if anyone new has read it yet. you are my world :)
> 
> (closing notes: since we talk about suicide in this chapter, i just want to say that no matter how dark everything seems, no matter how much that darkness consumes you and it feels like the walls are closing in and like you can't breathe, please please know that you are never alone. there is light, there is always light, you just have to keep looking. i promise you will find it. take care of yourselves <3)


	8. eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor mentally shakes the idea. He doesn’t need to think about that right now. He has Evan right in front of him, forever patient. That’s all he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have so much work to do and yet all i can do is write and edit lmao
> 
> any warnings i can think of: i think i have a secret love for Tetris???, mentions of past substance abuse but nothing terribly specific, underage drinking (just in case that is a trigger to anyone), kissing that could be construed as dubcon but it is consented by both parties (the consent is a little bit subtle and not very explicitly stated), possible slight dark thoughts (i'm pretty sure there aren't any in this chapter but i don't want to throw anyone off in case there is and i just missed it), and lots of fluff!
> 
> as always, mistakes are terribly my own. if anything's wack, lemme know!

Connor doesn’t know why he kissed Evan. He definitely doesn’t regret it, but he thinks he probably should’ve waited. They’ve literally known each other a month. That’s hardly enough time to become friends, let alone to decide he likes Evan enough to kiss him. He’s so worried that he’s just royally fucked everything up that he drives home in a daze. When he gets in and upstairs, he stops by Zoe’s room to drop her keys off. She gives him a confused look.

“Um, are you okay?”

He wants to say it’s none of her business, that just because she’s been oddly nice to him for the pass three or four days doesn’t mean he owes her an explanation. Instead, he says, “I kissed Evan.”

Zoe looks surprised, but not shocked. She knows he’s bi, so that’s not what’s shocking her. Maybe it’s the Evan part.

“You kissed Evan,” she repeats. Then nods. “Wow, okay. How did that happen?”

Connor groans, pushing his way completely into her room and collapsing on her bed, mindful of the textbooks she has spread out. He drops her keys on the biology book, but she doesn’t take her eyes off him.

“We were talking and then it got quiet and I was just thinking, God, he looks so handsome right now and I should definitely kiss him right now, and then I was kissing him.”

“Did he kiss you back?”

“Well, not at first, but I think I surprised him.”

Zoe laughs. “Oh, you probably scared the living shit out of him.”

Connor laughs too. Evan was so freaked out when he kissed him. And then he dove at him. The memory makes him hot all over.

“Oh, ew, are you reliving it?” Zoe wrinkles her nose. Connor laughs again and shoves at her. She grins. This is easy, the laughter and the teasing. This is almost how it was when they were kids.

“Yeah, whatever.” He gets up to head out.

“Um, Connor?”

“Yeah?” He turns to see Zoe biting her lip, looking pretty nervous.

“I just wanted to say—well, thanks… For telling me, I mean.”

Connor stares. He’s not sure why he told Zoe, honestly. Part of him really wanted to, so he just did. It’s probably the second time ever that his impulsivity worked in his benefit (the first (potentially) being his kiss with Evan).

“Thanks for listening,” he finally says.

“You know I’ll always be here to listen, right? I mean, I know I haven’t been the best sister and I know I’ve let you down—”

“Whoa, you didn’t—”

“I did, though. I should’ve been there for you, on your side, and I wasn’t. And I’m so fucking sorry. I will never be able to make that up to you. But I’m ready to be here for you now. I’m ready to listen. So if you need someone to talk to, or whatever, I’m here.”

There’s tears in her eyes, and Connor thinks he might start crying too, because, _God_, that’s all he wants: someone to just fucking listen to him. And now there’s Zoe, his baby sister who he’s always loved, and she’s telling him that she’s on his side and it feels like a lot. It feels like too much.

It doesn’t make up for what she’s done to him, or what he’s done to her, but it is a start.

“Thanks, Zo,” he manages, but his voice cracks and he has to clear his throat so it doesn’t sound like he’s crying. He also used to call her “Zo” when they were kids. She notices, though, because she gives him a wobbly smile, wipes her eyes, and laughs.

“Duh,” she says, rolling her eyes. He smiles at her and heads out, feeling a bit better than before.

+++

Tuesday morning, Connor finds himself in his AP English class. He and Evan have talked since the kiss, but they definitely haven’t talked about it. After Connor talked to Zoe, he realized he was being a little stupid about the whole thing. That doesn’t mean he’s going to actually talk to Evan though. At least, not yet.

“Uh, hey, Connor,” a voice says, pulling him out of his thoughts. He glances over to see Alana Beck smiling at him. She looks sheepish, like she’s nervous to talk to Connor. Most people are, though.

“Hi,” he offers. He’s been trying to be nicer. He thinks it’s working, given the way Alana’s smile grows, her usual confidence shining through.

“I was wondering if you had a partner for the project.” Connor knows that she knows that he definitely does not have a partner and was also not paying attention. He thinks it’s sweet she’s trying though.

“I don’t, actually.”

“Do you want to be my partner?”

“You’ll have to explain what the project even is.”

Alana laughs a little, nodding. “I can do that.”

She explains the project to him as best she can, and it seems that it’s just like a book report slash presentation. He hates doing presentations and group projects, but he might be able to tolerate Alana. Time would tell.

“So, how’s Zoe?” Alana asks after a while.

“What?”

“Your sister? Zoe?”

“I know who my sister is.” He didn’t mean for that to sound harsh. He grimaces. “Sorry, I mean, aren’t you and Zoe friends? Why are you asking me?”

Alana blushes. “Oh, well, we’re more like acquaintances. I haven’t talked to her in a week or so. I just wanted to know if she was still doing good.”

“Uh, yeah, she’s good. She’s fine, I guess.”

“Oh, good.”

Alana goes quiet, writing in her notebook ideas for the project, but it’s not her usual hurried scrawling. It’s slow, like she’s preoccupied thinking about something.

“You know you could text her, right?” Connor asks. Alana looks up at him.

“Oh, no, I couldn’t. We—we’re not like that.”

“Zoe wouldn’t turn down a conversation,” he tells her. He knows that Zoe is gone from the house almost every day, but she doesn’t have any real friends. She’s always teased Connor about how alone he was when she was in the same exact position.

Alana pushes her lips together tightly, like she’s refraining from saying something, but she just nods. “I—yeah, okay. Maybe.” Then she shifts in her seat and the awkward air from her is gone. “So, what book are you thinking about?”

+++

Connor’s always the first to get to lunch. He sits in the back corner of the farthest table outside and waits for everyone else to get there. Sometimes he’ll read, sometimes he’ll play Tetris on his phone. But he just waits.

Jared’s next, always. He’ll noisily set his tray down in front of Connor and greet him, always a new insult, but the bite of it fades each time, like Jared’s stopped meaning them. Connor will never tell Jared—or probably Evan—but he doesn’t mind Jared that much anymore. He’s annoying as fuck, yeah, but he’s also kind of funny and he’s always there, even when Connor doesn’t want him to be. He’s a good edition to their little group.

Then Zoe shows up, and she sits next to Jared with her lunch tray. She’s been offering Connor half of her lunch when she arrives, and while he’ll take some of her stuff, he mainly mooches off of Evan. She and Jared will make random conversation—it could literally be about anything, the ability those two have to talk about nothing and everything is really spectacular—until Evan arrives.

Evan sits by Connor, has been since Jared showed up. He silently pushes his tray in between him and Connor so that Connor can chose whatever he wants from it. Then he’ll ask Jared about something from government, or he’ll talk to Zoe about the book they’re reading in English, or he’ll ask Connor if he’s finished the book he’s reading leisurely yet. He’s the glue that binds the three of them together. Each one of them came together because of Evan. They wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for him.

Today, however, there’s an exception. Alana Beck is standing by their lunch table with a paper bag, looking shy and regretful. Connor locks eyes with her and gives her a smile. She returns it and moves to sit by Zoe.

“Um, can I sit here?” She asks Zoe, pointing to the spot beside her. Zoe looks up and smiles, nodding.

“Sure,” she hums, moving her backpack.

And just like that, Alana joins them.

+++

For the next two weeks, they have their merry band of five. They start meeting in the mornings before classes, hanging out by Evan’s locker and chatting until the bell rings and they have to disperse. Jared and Alana head to AP Calculus BC (where Alana confirms that Wesley is very attractive), Connor heads to government, Zoe heads to her biology class, and Evan heads to his college algebra class.

Alana and Connor work on their project, end up doing _Wuthering Heights_, which Connor has definitely finished by now, and present it. The 100% he receives gets hung on the fridge like he’s a little kid, and his dad even tells him that he’s done a good job. He thinks it’s probably the most praise Larry’s ever fucking showed him, but whatever.

Zoe and Alana start talking all the time, apparently, and Zoe gets this dumb look on her face whenever they’re texting. Connor’s pretty sure he knows what’s happening, but he’ll wait until Zoe wants to say something to him first. He doesn’t want to scare her.

(Alana’s definitely not scared. When Connor asks her in English why she and Zoe talk so much, she just asks him why he and Evan talk so much and raises her eyebrows like she _knows_ what happened between them. He commends her for being brave or whatever, but wishes she didn’t call him out like that. It makes his cheeks flare up and his stomach fill with butterflies.)

Jared starts giving Connor these weird looks like he’s sizing him up or trying to understand him. Connor’s pretty sure Evan told him about the kiss and that’s what the weird looks are about. At least he hopes.

And he and Evan… Don’t change. They don’t mention the kiss. They text all the time, hang out as much as they can during the school day and occasionally Evan comes over after school, but that’s it. They don’t kiss again. And they definitely don’t touch or hold hands or anything. Connor notices that Evan’s glances linger, and he’s pretty sure his do too, but they don’t talk about it. It’s an unspoken rule.

So they’re getting closer to the end of October now, a few days away from Halloween, and Connor has four whole friends (Zoe’s now his sister _and_ his friend, which she hasn’t been in a really long time). He’s been doing good, too, started taking his medication again and actually going to therapy every week like Evan does and trying to keep on top of things. He’s been starting to try in his classes too, turning assignments in when he can, sitting down with Zoe or Evan or Alana to do his homework. (Never Jared, though. They bicker too much to get any actual work done.)

It becomes a routine that they have. And it’s nice. It works.

+++

It’s lunch on the Tuesday before Halloween, which thankfully falls on a Friday this year, when Jared brings up the idea of Halloween.

“My moms will be out of town for my cousin’s bat mitzvah,” he explains. “We’ll have the house to ourselves, if you guys wanna come over.”

“You have two moms?” Alana asks, picking at her oatmeal. (Connor’s genuinely weirded out by the food she brings for lunch sometimes.) Connor knows she doesn’t mean it to be mean or anything, but, naturally, Jared gets defensive.

“Yeah,” he bites out, glaring in her direction. But Alana just shrugs.

“That’s really cool.”

Jared squints his eyes at her for a moment before relaxing, nodding himself. “Yeah, and they haven’t used the liquor cabinet since Rosh Hashanah ’97, so it’s up for grabs.”

Zoe perks up. “That sounds like fun.”

“No way you’re drinking,” Connor tells her. She pouts.

“If you’re drinking, then I’m drinking,” she counters. Connor’s been known to drink before. He was the weird burnout kid at parties the end of his sophomore year and the entirety of his junior year. His misuse of various substances is well known, but, frankly, he hasn’t used anything in a long time.

“I’m not drinking,” Connor shoots back. Zoe glowers.

“I want to drink,” Evan adds. Connor looks at him bewildered. _Since when does he drink?_

“Since when do you drink?” he asks.

“I haven’t. But why not try it? What’s the saying, we’re only young once?”

“You only _live_ once,” Jared corrects, exasperated.

“Right, that.”

“Well, if Evan’s drinking, then I’m _definitely_ drinking,” Zoe chirps, knocking back her apple juice. Connor rolls his eyes.

“Alana, what do you think about all of this?” He questions. Alana raises her eyebrows.

“Oh, well, uh…”

“Come on, Alana,” Zoe begs. Alana stares at her for a long moment before looking at Connor.

“Oh, yeah, I’m drinking, too,” she says. Zoe and Jared cheer, and Evan smiles and Connor groans, desperately wishing Alana was strong enough to resist Zoe.

+++

Halloween rolls around quickly. Since Zoe and Connor live closer to Jared, and Alana has to pass Evan’s to get to Jared’s, she volunteers to pick up Evan and just meet the others at Jared’s.

Zoe and Connor actually live really close to Jared, like a few streets away. They pull into Jared’s huge driveway and hop out, donning their best costumes. Zoe insisted on being Freddie Mercury, complete with a messy bun that supposed to resemble short hair (and is failing spectacularly) and a little fake mustache that Connor keeps laughing at. Connor himself didn’t want to dress up, but Evan gave him this look and now he’s wearing a black shirt with a large white ‘P’ on it. He’s not really sure what it means either.

Jared opens the door wearing a Hawaiian shirt and boxing gloves. Connor raises an eyebrow.

“What are you supposed to be?”

“Hawaiian punch,” he says. Zoe cracks up. “What about you?”

“I’m not sure.”

“You’re not sure?”

“I just do what I’m told at this point. How’d you open the door with boxing gloves on?”

“Not fucking easily.”

Jared steps aside to let them in.

Alana and Evan pull up maybe ten minutes after Connor and Zoe get comfortable in Jared’s huge kitchen. Actually, his house is probably smaller than the Murphy’s, but everything is so bright and there’s all these little knick-knacks and photographs and plants everywhere. It definitely feels more homey than the Murphy’s.

“Hey!” Alana chirps as she enters the kitchen. She’s wearing a little dress with a bunch of words and phrases taped to it. Her hair is all loose and she must be wearing contacts too, because her glasses are gone. That or she’s literally just flying blind tonight. She looks incredible, regardless.

“What are you supposed to be?” Connor asks for the second time tonight.

“I’m a Freudian slip,” she beams, coming closer so Connor can read the words on her dress. There’s ‘Oedipus Complex’ and ‘Hysteria’ and ‘Transference.’ Connor laughs, which makes Alana smile more.

“You—you look great,” Zoe says behind him in a choked voice. He glances back to catch her dazed expression. He smiles, because he _knew_ he was right.

“Thanks, Zoe. I love your costume!”

Zoe sheepishly peels off her mustache and shoves it in her pocket, nodding. “T—thanks.”

Then, Jared and Evan come around the corner and Connor realizes he’s been set up, because Evan’s wearing a white t-shirt that has a large black ‘S’ on it. Connor narrows his eyes at Evan, finally working out what they’re supposed to be.

“Great couples’ costume, guys!” Jared announces, causing Zoe and Alana to notice what’s going on and start laughing. Jared grins wildly. “Really great work, I love it.”

“Shut up,” Evan mutters, blushing furiously. Connor feels the overwhelming urge to kiss him suddenly and has to dig his heels into the tile to prevent himself from doing something like that in front of their friends. He probably wouldn’t care if everyone knew, because they kind of do anyway, but he doesn’t know how Evan would feel. He wouldn’t want to put him in that position.

The doorbell rings again and everyone looks at each other, confused. Then Jared’s face lights up.

“Oh, right!”

He hurries over to the door, talking in hushed tones with whoever is on the other side. Then the door is shutting and Jared’s coming back with some random guy that Connor doesn’t recognize. But Alana gasps and her shoulders pull up happily and she waves like the total dork that she is. The guy smiles and waves back. He’s crazy attractive, almost as tall as Connor with short dark curls and light eyes. He looks like he’s their age though. And he’s not wearing a costume, but he is holding a cardboard sign.

“Guys, this is Wesley—”

“Ohhhh,” Zoe, Evan, and Connor start saying, Alana joining in just to be a little shit. Jared buries his face in his boxing glove.

“Jesus Christ. Wesley, these are my friends. Although, I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea.”

“Aw, come on, Jared, you love us,” Zoe says. Jared rolls his eyes, his cheeks burning red.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“It’s really nice to meet you guys. I’ve heard a lot about you,” Wesley says.

“Awww,” they all say in unison. Jared rolls his eyes again.

“Hey, wait, what’s your sign say?” Zoe asks. Wesley laughs and holds it up: _Nudist on Strike!_

“It’s my costume,” he explains. Everyone gives Jared a pointed look in unison. He coughs loudly and throws his hands about.

“Okay, _anyway_, who wants to drink?” Everyone but Connor cheers.

Jared starts getting out various bottles of alcohol, examining each of them with Zoe, trying to figure out which one they should be drinking. Alana strikes up a conversation with Wesley, asking about school of all things, but they seem to get along fairly well. Evan wanders over to Connor’s side.

“I had to get you to dress up somehow,” he teases. Connor rolls his eyes.

“Yeah and now we’re _salt and pepper_.” Evan giggles adorably at Connor’s dryness. Connor feels his cheeks heat up, and turns away from Evan.

Jared comes back with two bottles of tequila, hoisting them up like they’re trophies. He’s taken the boxing gloves off by now, so he can properly hold things and interact with people. Zoe gets permission to raid the cabinets and find Jared’s moms’ shot glasses. Alana and Wesley start a wager on who will crash first, and Evan bumps his shoulder into Connor’s.

“Are you going to drink too?” he asks. Connor shrugs.

“Someone has to drive home.”

“Oh, you can spend the night,” Jared says suddenly. “I mean, if you want. We have the room.”

Evan raises his eyebrows pointedly at Connor. He rolls his eyes again, and thinks maybe one day they’ll actually roll out of his head.

“Go take your shots,” Connor nods Evan toward the line that’s forming. “I’m going to find some good music.”

“Not your emo shit!” Jared calls as Connor gets up. Connor flips him off and heads into the living room where he saw a record player earlier.

Connor’s sorting through the albums when he spots a familiar blue and yellow cover. He grins and immediately puts the record on.

“I said no emo shit!” Jared yells as Connor turns up the volume. But he doesn’t care, because the music is just too damn good.

_Oh, Maya says I’m lacking in depth_

_I will do my best_

_You say you wanna stay by my side_

_Darling, your head’s not right_

And then Zoe is coming in, dancing her way over to him, her hair falling out of the shitty bun she’d put it in before. And she’s singing along with the music, holding a red Solo cup of what’s probably tequila and extending a hand out to Connor. He takes it.

_You see, alone we stand, together we fall apart_

_Yeah, I think I’ll be alright_

_I’m working so I won’t have to try so hard_

_Tables, they turn sometimes_

The others work their way into the living room, Alana pulling Jared into a spinning dance while Evan just gestures for Wesley to follow his lead. They’re all dancing and Zoe’s singing loudly, Connor occasionally singing along with her, and Alana is giggling and Jared’s stumbling along and Evan’s beaming and Connor’s never felt more happy.

+++

It’s hours later, and several shots later, when they’ve started calming down. Jared’s put on some album that Connor doesn’t know, and him and Wesley are sitting on the loveseat, talking closely. Connor’s reclined on the armchair, watching the fan spin lazily above him and occasionally glancing over at Evan to make sure he’s still alive. Connor’s only had a shot and a half after Zoe aggressively encouraged him to, but he’s far from being drunk. (He also knows that they’ve taken pictures some point during the night. A lot of pictures. He’s not sure how many he’s in, but he’s excited to see how they turn out.) Zoe and Alana disappeared a long time ago, but Connor’s pretty sure they’re upstairs and he knows Zoe can handle herself. Evan’s lying on the couch, humming to whatever song is playing.

Suddenly Evan is sitting up and looking over at Connor. Connor raises an eyebrow and Evan points at Jared and Wesley. Connor almost snaps at him to lower his finger, but then he sees it. Jared and Wesley. Hardcore making out. Like, pressed-against-each-other, hands-roaming-up-shirts hardcore making out. A couple minutes from something more than making out.

Connor makes a little choked off noise and gets to his feet, deciding that no, he doesn’t really want to see Jared’s O-face. He grabs Evan’s good arm and pulls him up. “Come on,” he hisses.

“But—!”

“Shh!” Connor pulls Evan out the back door to give the boys some privacy.

“Oh my God!” Evan whispers back, trying to stifle his giggles.

The backyard is pretty big, with a large kidney-shaped pool in the center and an old swing set toward the back fence by a large oak tree. It kind of looks like there’s the remnants of a tree house there, but Connor thinks it’s probably not safe enough to climb up and investigate. Connor drags Evan over to the swing set and helps him sit down before taking a place beside him.

“They were kissing,” Evan states. He’s slurring his words a little, but not very much. He only had three shots before he cut himself off, so he’s probably not that wasted. Not like everyone else.

“They were,” Connor agrees, twirling the swing back and forth lightly. Evan’s leaning heavily aside the right side of his swing, the side closest to Connor.

“We should do that,” Evan decides.

“Hmm?”

“Kiss. We should definitely be doing that. We should be doing that right now.”

Evan leans forward, but Connor puts a hand on his chest.

“You’re not sober, Evan,” he tries to say as gently as possible. Because he would gladly kiss Evan right now. He’s been waiting this entire time just to kiss Evan. And he’s been so afraid that Evan doesn’t like him, that he was repulsed by the whole kissing thing since he never brought it up, that Connor couldn’t bring himself to talk about it. But he would only kiss Evan right now if he’s coherent and can completely consent to it.

“I know that,” Evan counters defensively, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest as best he can with his clunky cast in the way. He was supposed to get that dumb cast off earlier in the week, but, for whatever reason, he hasn’t yet.

“I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

Evan’s face softens. Then he scoffs.

“You dummy. I wouldn’t let you.”

Connor laughs and rolls his eyes, fondly this time.

“Can you kiss me, though? Please?” Evan asks softly. Connor looks back at him, something warm pooling in his gut. Maybe just a kiss or two. But no way anything more than that. They have to talk about that stuff still, and they should do it when they’re both completely sober and can properly understand each other. But Evan’s asking him, and one kiss wouldn’t hurt.

Connor leans his swing as far left as it will go.

Evan meets him in the middle.

(He always does.)

Connor slides a hand around Evan’s neck while Evan’s hand comes around his waist, gripping his dumb salt shirt tightly. Their kisses are like everything else about the two of them together: passionate and intense and unstoppable, and yet full of great care and adoration. Connor knows that he’s liked Evan for a long time now. Almost two months of them knowing each other and every moment, even the bad ones, when they were at their fucking worst, have been incredible. All these emotions that Connor has forced to remain dormant have resurfaced. He has friends. He has someone he lo—likes… A lot. The thought stops him.

“Connor?” Evan’s nose brushes his as he pulls back a bit. Connor mentally shakes the idea. He doesn’t need to think about that right now. He has Evan right in front of him, forever patient. That’s all he needs.

“Sorry,” he murmurs against Evan’s lips, pulling him back in.

They stay wrapped up in each other’s arms for a very long time, occasionally pulling away to breathe and quietly laugh or to whisper affirmations to each other. (And not-quite-sober Evan _really_ likes the way his hair curls and the color of his eyes, something that makes Connor’s stomach tumble in the best possible way.) Connor pulls away for good, though, when he notices that Evan is shivering.

“You’re cold?”

Evan laughs. “You’re not?”

Connor shrugs. “The cold makes me feel alive,” he says dramatically. Evan shakes his head with a small smile on his face and gets up.

“Let’s find somewhere to crash, yeah?”

“Okay.”

They head back into the house. Connor wraps his arm around Evan’s shoulders on the walk back, and Evan sways more into his space, leaning heavily against him. The weight feels nice.

Jared and Wesley are not on the couch in the living room, thank God. Evan starts to ask something, but thinks better of it and shakes his head. Connor lets go of him to stop the record player and tells Evan to help him lock up. They lock the doors and turn off all the downstairs lights before heading upstairs.

“There should be a free guest bedroom down this hall, assuming Zoe and Alana took the other one and Jared and Wesley are in Jared’s room, which is the one on the left there,” Evan tells him. Connor nods and, considering all the doors are closed, starts by knocking on the first door to the right. There’s no response so he opens it.

Alana and Zoe are (fully clothed, thank God, and) curled around each other in bed, passed out. Connor smirks, but quietly shuts the door, shaking his head at Evan. Evan understands immediately, smiling softly. He gestures toward the next room just as a loud Jared-sounding groan comes from Jared’s room.

“Oh my God,” Connor mutters, pulling Evan quickly into the second guest bedroom and shutting the door. Evan bursts out laughing, Connor trying to shush him while laughing himself.

Connor is never going to let Jared live that down.

“Shh,” Connor laughs. Evan’s cackling, burying his face into Connor’s chest. It’s kind of like he fits there. It feels nice.

“I can’t believe that just happened,” Evan mumbles, sound kind of muffled by Connor’s pepper shirt. He rests a hand on Evan’s back, rubbing little circles into it.

“I’m so happy that just happened,” Connor chirps. Evan laughs again and then sighs, leaning back into Connor’s hand.

“I think I’m ready for bed.”

“Oh, okay. Do you want the bed or the floor?”

Evan pulls back and furrows his brows. “You’re sleeping on the bed with me.”

“Oh?” Connor raises his eyebrow. Evan rolls his eyes and tugs him over to the bed. He kind of likes not-quite-sober Evan; he’s a lot more assertive and it’s pretty damn hot.

He clambers in and pulls Connor in after him. Connor chuckles quietly, kicking his shoes off the side and pulling the covers down so he can get under them. Evan follows his lead, curling up to Connor as soon as the covers are over them. Connor lets him, throwing an arm around Evan so they can cuddle closer. He closes his eyes and they settle in.

“Hey, Connor,” Evan whispers after a minute.

“Yeah?” It’s really peaceful like this. Just the two of them alone together, holding onto each other. Connor really likes the way it feels.

“We didn’t turn off the light.”

Connor bursts out laughing, ruining the moment of tranquility. But then Evan starts laughing along with him, and maybe that’s a different kind of moment Connor likes: them making each other happy.

+++

The next morning Connor wakes up alone. He grumbles and rolls out of bed, leaving his shoes as he heads out to the hallway. Both Jared’s door and the door to the guest bedroom the girls stayed in last night are open, and no one is in there. But Connor can hear someone laughing downstairs so he heads down.

Zoe and Alana are sitting at the island, laughing as they pick at what smells like eggs on their plates. Jared and Evan are at the stove, trying to make food, and Wesley is rooting around for something in the fridge.

“Oh, look who it is!” Zoe chirps. She looks really well for someone who had five shots last night.

“No hangover?” he asks. She shakes her head.

“I’m invincible.” Connor laughs and gestures to the hairband on her wrist.

“Can I?”

She tosses it to him and he quickly ties his hair up in a bun.

“Jesus!” Evan exclaims. Connor looks over to see Evan holding a red-looking finger.

“Are you okay, Ev?” he asks. The nickname slips before he can stop it. Evan’s cheeks are redder than his finger.

“Y-yeah, my hand slipped.” He walks over to the sink to run his finger under some cold water. Jared snorts and shakes his head, quietly laughing to himself about something. Connor turns his attention to him.

“Have a good night last night, Jared?”

Jared glares at Connor, but holds his head up. “Yes, I did, Connor. Did you have fun on the swing set?”

Connor feels the blush coming on.

“Whoa!” Alana and Zoe exclaim at the same time.

“What happened on the swing set?” Zoe demands.

And Connor says, “Nothing!” the same time Evan says, casually, “We kissed.” They look at each other.

“We kissed,” Connor amends. “But it’s not a big deal. It’s… We kissed.” Connor doesn’t want to freak Evan out. Just because he’s having these massive feelings doesn’t mean Evan needs to be suffering from them. Better to let this all go at his pace, rather than Connor’s.

Evan looks like he wants to say something, but he nods.

“So, um, this may be a dumb question, but is there any bacon?” Wesley asks awkwardly from the fridge.

“That’s pork,” Jared reminds him.

“So no bacon?”

“We’re _Jewish_, Wes.”

“So no bacon,” Wesley nods and closes the fridge.

Evan’s moved back over to stove now, and starts poking at whatever Jared and him were cooking before.

“What’s cooking?” Connor asks, moving up to Evan, trying to smooth over anything he’s accidentally made awkward in his attempt to not make things awkward. But Evan doesn’t seem mad. At least not right now.

“Matzah brei,” Jared chimes in. At Connor’s confused look, he rolls his eyes and waves his hand. “It’s Jewish. It’s like bread and eggs.”

“It’s eaten for Passover, right?” Zoe asks. Connor raises an eyebrow at her.

“Very good, Zoe!” Jared cheers, like a teacher who’s proud of their student. Zoe smiles at Jared and, when he turns around, sticks her tongue out at Connor. He rolls his eyes.

“You’re Jewish, right?” Connor asks Evan, who nods.

“Yeah, on my mom’s side. We’re not very traditional, but she makes matzah brei and latkes for Hanukkah, usually.”

“Fucking latkes, my dude,” Jared moans. “I’m so excited for Hanukkah.”

“Our mom never makes anything good for Christmas,” Zoe says. “I mean, just like the typical ham and vegetables and whatnot. We don’t have any traditions like that.”

“We go to church for Christmas,” Alana adds. “And me and my dad make Yule log cake.”

“We make potica,” Wesley remarks. “It’s, like, a nut roll that’s popular in Slovenia.”

“I hate Christmas,” Connor says finally. Everyone laughs at him, but, for once, it’s not mean at all. For once, it’s because they think he’s funny.

Connor thinks this is probably the best he’s felt in a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i've got a lot to say:
> 
> i don't know if you can tell, but i've been dying down with connor swearing all the time. this is because, with the help of medication, therapy, and a strong support system, he's getting a handle on things and his emotions. granted, he still doesn't have the best control, but his anger is slowly subsiding. that's my take, anyway. it's also my headcanon that connor went to parties a lot and that's where he got stoned and probably did some other stuff (what other stuff, i'm not sure, but i don't peg him canonically as a good samaritan, considering those with bipolar sometimes show histories of substance abuse).
> 
> we meet wesley! i literally don't know how i feel about him, lol. he's a good guy and whatever, but he's not apart of the main five, so i don't really talk about him that much. (i just wanted jared to have a cute boyfriend that he could be cute with that wasn't connor or evan, i'm sorry, okay?) 
> 
> the album connor puts on is "is this it" by the strokes! one of my absolute favorites! my favorite songs are barely legal and someday, which is the song that connor and zoe sing. also! the song may sound positive, but the meaning behind the lyrics is basically that the guy's current relationship is doomed and while everyone used to have problems with him in past relationships, and that was why they broke up, now he's the one that sees the problem with his significant other in his current relationship. the song is meant to sound really happy and upbeat, but convey darker meanings. think of it as an albatross. (and if i could insert a devil smiley emoji, i totally would, because that's a fair warning, y'all (i'm not saying connor will turn around and hate evan, though, but bad shit will happen.))
> 
> connor thinks the l-word. i want to say this is partly due to him being attention-starved and affection-starved and that he's desperate for someone to love him back. this is also partly due to his bipolar, because he keeps messing things up and repelling people from him. still, it is very early on for him to be so far in. he and i both know this.
> 
> when connor puts his hair up in a bun in the morning, evan gets so distracted watching him that he accidentally burns himself. in case you didn't catch that. and jared totally saw the whole thing.
> 
> i don't know anything about judaism or jewish culture, just so y'all know! i tried very hard to make it sound like i knew what the hell i was talking about, but if you're confused, so was i. please educate me if there are any errors!!
> 
> and that's all folks (for this chapter)! thank you so much for reading and liking and commenting and all that fun stuff! i'm sorry that i ramble in these, i just have a lot of feelings. but i appreciate everything you do and am so grateful for you all! thank you <3


	9. nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because if everyone’s happy, then he is too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a little something because i love you :)
> 
> (seriously, if i could insert a smiling devil emoji, please know that it would be plastered everywhere right now)
> 
> any warnings i can think of: anxiety and depression through the roof, dark thoughts like whoa (like seriously, that's the majority of this chapter), surprise fluff in the middle, a lot of rambling actually but more so on my part than the dialogue, depression and anxiety really bad because there's a lot and i need to remind you all that this chapter is not that happy, and that's it!
> 
> as always, mistakes are my own! if something's out of place, lemme know!

It’s mid-November when Evan thinks he should try to work up the courage to ask Connor what they are. Since Halloween, they’ve been cuddling and kissing and holding hands, but only when they’re alone. Evan gets not doing anything in public yet, but they don’t even do anything when their friends are around, and they _totally_ know what’s happening. He’s not sure if Connor maybe doesn’t actually like him like that or maybe he feels obligated to do this for Evan’s sake or something, or maybe it’s all a big joke and Connor’s privately laughing at him and all their friends are in on it too and they’re all laughing and—

But then Evan breathes and thinks about how Connor’s so not like that. His _friends_ aren’t like that. He’s probably just overthinking.

Hopefully.

He vows to ask soon. Well, eventually, anyway.

+++

The Murphys are starting to get along a lot better by now, and are slowly learning how to work _with_ Connor rather than work _around_ him—Evan knows this because both Connor and Zoe have confided in him about how they’re finally starting to feel more comfortable in their house, like how Connor doesn’t feel the need to shut himself in his room all the time or Zoe doesn’t go hide at the bookstore that much anymore—and Connor’s a lot happier because of it. He laughs and smiles more, he does his homework and aces everything he turns in, and even his English teacher pulls him aside after class one day to talk about his future and how, if he keeps working, he could probably get into university and maybe get a nice scholarship too.

It’s great.

Evan’s proud of Connor.

Really.

But, also, maybe he’s a little jealous. He knows how completely unfair it is, how he should be celebrating how great his best friend is doing, how he’s finally becoming the person who he’s meant to be, how Evan can literally see the growth in him and everything he does.

But.

He’s selfish. So stupidly selfish because he wants more. He wants a family that cares for him, for starters. Sure, the Murphys haven’t always been the Cleavers or whatever, but they’re there for each other when it matters. Zoe and Connor have turned things around and are thick as thieves like they once were when they were kids, Larry’s starting to listen when Connor speaks instead of immediately putting him down, Cynthia listens patiently to what Connor says and helps him find ways to work through any problems he has. Connor’s taking his medication. He’s in therapy. He’s happy.

And Evan has never had that. His dad walked out on him and his mom when he was seven. And whatever, right, he’s over it. But then it’s just him and his mom and she’s not Cynthia; she works seven days a week most of the time, goes to school five days, and sees Evan maybe one or two days. She tries to listen, Evan knows, and she pays for the medication and the therapy and everything, but she’s not there. He has no one.

And his friends don’t count, he thinks. They’re there, yeah, but he can’t possibly put his problems on them. Zoe and Alana have finally had The Talk and realizing that they’ve been orbiting each other for longer than either of them ever knew, and Jared’s got Wesley now and they’re in a relationship or whatever and they’re happy.

Everyone’s happy.

Everyone except him.

He just can’t get happy, no matter what he does. He’ll sit in his room at the end of the night and stare at the blank dark ceiling and replay every single moment of his life where he’s messed up, every part of where he’s been wrong, where he’s made a fool of himself, where he’s been a total fucking loser.

He disgusts himself. Is utterly repulsed by the horror he sees in the mirror, has to turn away or duck his head every time he passes by his reflection. It’s getting harder to eat, and he finds more and more that the idea of eating just makes him feel more disgusting. He forgets his medication a couple of days and then stops taking it altogether.

But everyone’s happy.

So he gets out of bed and meets with his friends and does his homework and kisses Connor and keeps on going.

Because if everyone’s happy, then he is too.

+++

It’s the third week of November, a week from Thanksgiving break, when Connor brings up the not-relationship thing they have going on.

They’re in Connor’s room, snuggling close in his bed with a blanket thrown over them. The end credits for some documentary Connor picked out is playing softly in the background. It hasn’t started snowing yet, but the air outside is absolutely frigid, and somehow it makes things romantic.

“Do you like this?” Connor asks against Evan’s lips. Evan nods, their noses brushing. It’s only times like these where he actually feels beautiful, where Connor’s hands trail up his sides softly, igniting his world like he’s never known light before. And maybe he hasn’t.

“I like you,” Evan whispers back, stealing a kiss. Connor hums happily, but then pulls back. Evan feels his brows furrow.

“Do you want this to be something, then? I mean, more than friends?”

“We’re already more than friends,” Evan replies, the words just spilling out. He doesn’t mean to dump that on Connor, but Connor just grins and pulls him back in for another kiss.

“Boyfriends?” He murmurs after a minute or so.

Evan doesn’t reply, instead pulling Connor on top of him and shutting him up the best way he knows how.

+++

So they call each other boyfriend. They cuddle and hug and kiss, just like before, but now with a shiny new title. It’s very anticlimactic, actually, and not at all what Evan has been expecting.

They and their friends go on triple dates all the time. To the movies, to restaurants, to the bowling alley, to the museum. (And that last one was a disaster and it was totally Alana’s fault that they got kicked out of the museum in the first place, but Wesley had just laughed and invited everyone back to his house for Prekmurian layer cake. It ended up being one of the best nights they’d ever had, surrounded by good food and better friends.)

Alana asks Evan to join one of her various clubs and become co-president. So he helps make posters and start fundraisers and puts up flyers with her in the early mornings when no one else is in school, and that’s when Alana tells him about her family and how she feels like she’ll never amount to their expectations but she keeps trying anyway because maybe she can amount to her own, and that she’s definitely always liked girls but she’s not blind to how some guys are attractive, and how she thinks she might really like Zoe, in the big-L sort of way.

Jared comes over to Evan’s house two or three days every week to work on homework or play video games. He’ll chat about how his moms keep asking him where he wants to go to college and what he’s going to do with his life, how they want to know all about Wesley and what he’s like and how serious their relationship is, that they keep forcing him to spend time with them and have movie nights and family dinners together that he doesn’t like, no matter how much he loves his moms.

Zoe drives Evan to the bookstore every Friday night and they sit up in the loft with their homework or a book of their choice, but they never actually get around to doing anything. Because Zoe says that things are finally turning around for her family, that she’s finally found her brother again and can be a good sister, that she’s head over heels for her girlfriend who she’s always noticed but been too shy to say anything about her feelings, that she loves that she can be herself around Evan.

Connor texts Evan every single day, and sees him at least six days a week. He climbs in Evan’s bed, or wraps his arms around Evan when they’re lying together in Connor’s bed, and talks about how he finally feels free when he’s at home and it’s like he doesn’t have to hide anything, how he and Alana do homework together and he’s started tutoring her for English, how him and Jared don’t necessarily hate each other anymore but they still trade affectionate barbs, how he even doesn’t hate Wesley even though he doesn’t really know him. How he feels free still when he kisses Evan.

It’s the last one that makes Evan really sad.

But everyone’s happy.

So he smiles.

He tells Alana that she doesn’t have to live up to anyone’s standards and that she should tell Zoe how she really feels; he tells Jared that he should definitely spend more time with his moms and introduce them to Wesley when the moment feels right; he tells Zoe that he trusts her too and that he’s happy she’s finally making amends; he tells Connor that he loves kissing him and he’s so proud of him for turning things around.

Their words bounce off him. He’s some kind of rubbery mirror, because he can give them back their words and show them what they all want to see. But they don’t see what’s there, what’s really there. Because he doesn’t let them. It’s better this way.

He thinks maybe this is it, maybe he’s starting to actually go crazy.

But everyone’s happy.

So he just smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was not in the best place writing this lmao
> 
> sorry it's kind of dark, but i wanted to show that just because everything seems to be working out doesn't mean it is. depression and anxiety cannot be cured and sometimes they just spring up on you. that's what's happening to poor evan here.
> 
> also the medication he takes is for anxiety and depression. the anxiety is not necessarily an everyday use, although it can be taken everyday, so when i say that he stops taking his medication, i mean specifically the depression medication, which i believe is lexapro, but i'm not positive. anyway, that's what medication i mean, because that's what's gonna fuck him up. #sorrynotsorry???
> 
> i repeat the "everyone's happy. so he smiles" thing a lot because for people with depression, at least from personal experience, i have a lot of cycling thoughts and also feel as though i'm playing a role for other people instead of living for myself. that's a huge issue for me personally, so i thought i'd project onto evan. sorry evs.
> 
> i don't think there's anything else i want to add other than: this is really dark and evan is not okay and if you are ever going through something like this, i promise you that you are not alone. there is always someone you can talk to, someone who cares, even if it's a stranger on a hotline. please, please, take care of yourselves. i love you all very much, the world cannot stand to lose anymore kind souls <3
> 
> and thank you all for liking and reading and commenting and all that jazz! i read everything and cry every time i get a notification. like, seriously. i love you all so much, thank you for everything you do! the next part is a bit happier, so you've got that to look forward to :)


	10. ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor is doing as he’s told when he hears, through the closing door:
> 
> “So, you and Connor…?”
> 
> And then Evan’s: “Oh God.”
> 
> He cackles and makes his way to the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is a bit late, i'm very sorry (also sorry this one is kind of short!)
> 
> any warnings i can think of: there is a panic attack in this chapter and while it doesn't go into too much detail, it may still be triggering for some readers. the scene is pretty important to the story, unfortunately, but if you want to skip it, pretty much skip the whole bit after the first page break, and then come back when you see the next page break.
> 
> other than that: implied/referenced biphobia (but it's, like, selective biphobia if that makes sense), overuse of metaphors and similes for some fucking reason, dark thoughts as always, and that's about it!
> 
> as always, mistakes are my own. if something's messed up, lemme know!

Evan comes over to Connor’s on a Friday night after Cynthia’s near incessant begging to see him again. Connor tells his mom that he won’t bring Evan around ever again if she keeps whining like that, but they both know he doesn’t mean it. It’s always been his thing, empty threats, except now people are realizing that they’re actually empty and he’s pretty harmless.

So he and Zoe take Evan back home and the three of them hang around the living room until Cynthia asks Zoe to help her with whatever she’s making and Larry shows up, looking a little awkward.

“Hi, boys,” he greets, waving a hand. He’s still wearing his blue plaid button-up and slacks, not having changed out of his work clothes into something comfy. He’s never comfy, Connor thinks, constantly working and working and working and never doing anything for himself. Connor also thinks that’s sad, actually, because how could anyone possibly be happy that way?

“Hi, Mr. Mur—ah, Larry,” Evan replies. It’s never Mr. or Mrs. Murphy to Evan, or the rest of Connor and Zoe’s friends for that matter. Although he and Evan aren’t just friends. But his parents don’t need to know that.

“I was wondering, actually, if you wanted to look at some old baseball cards with me,” Larry says to Evan specifically. While he and Connor are getting along just fine, he gave up long ago trying to get Connor to enjoy baseball. It’s just one of the things Larry will never get about Connor. Like his mental illness. Or that he definitely also likes boys. Boys like Evan, for example. And, oh, boy, if Larry only fucking knew.

“Oh, ah…” Evan looks back at Connor, who gives him a half shrug. It’s his decision, after all, if he wants to hang out with Connor’s dad. Evan looks back at Larry. “Okay, why not?”

Connor personally wouldn’t have chosen that option, but he’s not as strong as Evan.

Connor watches TV for another thirty minutes, tossing a wave at Evan as he goes, before Zoe’s calling that dinner’s ready. He gets up and decides to go tell his father and Evan, who he assumes are out in the garage where Larry keeps all his old baseball memorabilia.

“Dinner’s ready,” Connor says as he pokes his head in. Larry’s holding one of those dumb plastic-protected baseball cards that he collects, showing it off to Evan, who actually looks really uncomfortable but like he’s trying his best to stay interested.

“Well, we’re kind of busy,” Larry says. Evan looks at him, relief clear in his beautiful eyes. Connor tries to wipe the love-sick look off his face, the one he’s confident is there right now, and that his dad can probably see.

“Dad, are you torturing him?”

“What?”

“Evan, is he torturing you?” Connor gives Evan a pointed look. He knows the answer is yes, but whether or not Evan will admit it is the real guessing game. “You can tell him he’s being boring and you want to leave. He won’t be upset.”

Larry scowls at him, but Connor’s pretty sure there’s no real bite there. Not anymore, at least. Evan gives him a small smile.

“Let’s get some dinner and then we can come back and finish talking about this,” Evan compromises. Larry nods in agreement, setting down his cards.

“Alright. Connor, go tell your mother we’ll be right in.”

Connor is doing as he’s told when he hears, through the closing door:

“So, you and Connor…?”

And then Evan’s: “Oh God.”

He cackles and makes his way to the table.

Zoe’s helping Cynthia take plates to the table when he arrives in the dining room. She raises an eyebrow at his expression, but says nothing, instead passing him a plate to set down. When Larry and Evan get into the dining room, Larry’s expression is completely neutral while Evan’s face is bright red and he looks like he might pee himself.

Connor glares at his father.

“What did you say to him?” he hisses as Larry passes. Larry holds his hands up in mock surrender.

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about, kid.”

And he takes his seat, sending a shit-eating grin to Zoe, who starts laughing. So she fucking snitched. He’s _totally_ gonna get her back.

Cynthia comes in and they all take their seats, not saying much of anything to each other. Then, just as Cynthia’s opening her mouth to say something, probably to Evan, Larry chimes in:

“Connor and Evan are dating, honey.”

Cynthia’s eyes bulge out while Evan chokes on his chicken breast (and he probably would’ve choked anyway, the thing’s bone dry). Connor’s not too worried about his mom finding out though, other than for Evan’s sake. His immediate family knows he’s bisexual and they’ve known for a very long time. It used to be just another thing that was wrong with Connor, but then Zoe came out in 8th grade and suddenly it wasn’t such a stigma anymore.

(He’s trying not to resent her, or any of them, for the past. His new therapist says it’s good for him to focus on the positive things of his life now, rather than dwell on the negative things of the past. He thinks that’s probably wise or something.)

“What?” Cynthia demands. Connor groans.

“It’s not that big of a deal, we—”

“Honey!” Cynthia cheers. “I’m so happy for you two!”

“Oh?” Evan mumbles to Connor. Connor shrugs. He wasn’t necessarily expecting this kind of reaction either, but he’s not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth.

“Wow, ha! You know, I kind of always thought you two would end up together!” she adds.

“So we’ve heard before,” Evan mutters, but Connor frankly has no idea what he’s talking about.

“Crazy, isn’t it?” Zoe chirps from across the table. Connor glares at her, but she just sticks her tongue out back at him.

“You two seem to work,” Larry says a little belatedly, and he’s not looking at anyone, just eating his rice like he’s got a steel stomach. Everyone’s looking at him in awe, though, because he’s never had anything nice to say about Connor’s sexuality or his choice in partners (not that there’s been literally anyone, but Connor’s had crushes before) and now he’s just handing out free compliments like they’re candy on Halloween.

“Thanks, Dad,” Connor says earnestly. Larry nods, still not looking up. Maybe he can’t. Maybe this is as brave as he can be right now. It’s a start, though, and Connor feels like something’s suddenly changed in their relationship. He wonders if Larry can feel it too.

And then Cynthia’s asking about Evan and how’s his school going and have you given any more thought to colleges and what will you guys do after graduation. Connor feels Evan take his hand under the table, squeeze it tight, and he feels like something else has just unlocked within him.

+++

He and Evan go up to his room after dinner—despite Larry’s protests about looking at baseball stuff (and Evan promising that they could do it next time)—with a new warning to keep the door at least half-way open. Connor almost says something crass, but then Evan’s tugging him upstairs and he can’t find it in him.

They sit on Connor’s bed and that’s when Connor notices that Evan’s not really okay.

“Ev?” He asks, recalling the nickname from the morning after Halloween. He hasn’t used it since, yet it feels familiar on his tongue, like it was always there, like he’s known it all along.

“N-no, I’m f-fine. S-sorry, I don’t know why I’m feeling like this,” he admits. Connor gets it. Sometimes he feels weird for no reason; it comes on quickly and stays lingering in the air like the smoke trail of a firework.

“Can I touch you?” Evan nods quickly. Connor wraps his arms around Evan, pulling him close so that his face is tucked into Connor’s neck. Evan breathes out shakily and then inhales for a really long time. Connor’s not sure if this is a panic attack or if it’s the beginning of one, but he just holds on for as long as Evan lets him.

At some point he starts whispering softly in Evan’s ear, just little affirmations to let him know that he’s going to be okay, that Connor’s here for him, that he’s wonderful. It takes a long time, but Evan’s breathing gets much smoother and he sniffles before pulling back and looking down at his hands. He’s not shaking anymore, but he’s definitely not okay. And he’s been crying this whole time, the tears tracks still fresh on his cheeks.

“Can you talk about it?” Connor asks. Evan nods slightly, indecisively, like he’s trying to put on a front. Connor belatedly thinks about how tightly Evan grabbed his hand at dinner, how he held on and put on a brave face and tried his hardest, how that squeezing might have been him crying for help and Connor didn’t even notice it.

“I—I just… I don’t get it.” He laughs, but it’s bitter and ugly sounding. It’s not him. “I don’t get why you w—would ever want to be with s—someone like me. I mean, _Jesus_.”

Connor blinks. He wasn’t expecting this display of self-hatred and insecurity, and he’s not sure where it came from, but right now Evan needs reassurance. He can do that.

“Evan,” he says softly, taking his left hand. Evan got the cast off a couple weeks ago, right after Halloween, and since then Connor’s noticed him reach for his left arm to play with it only to find it gone. Sometimes he’ll just reach up and squeeze his arm, like he’s replicating the feeling of the cast itself. “I really don’t know what you mean. You’re great. You’re absolutely amazing. I love who you are and everything you do. You could never ever dissuade me, okay? What we’ve got going is good.”

Evan shakes his head, squeezing Connor’s hand and bowing his head even more. Connor feels something wet drop on their conjoined hands. He keeps going.

“You’re funny and smart and sarcastic as hell when you want to be. You’re surprisingly good at cooking and rapping, for some weird reason, and you get so excited whenever you see forests or when you talk about hiking trails, it’s absolutely adorable. You’re strong and brave and you don’t let anyone get you down. You’re stronger than I’ll ever be, stronger than you’ll ever know.”

“I—I’m not,” Evan chokes out. “I’m so weak, Connor, I’m so—”

He cuts himself off with a sob. Connor pulls him into a hug, holding him tightly and rubbing his back.

“Is this about us?” He asks after a few minutes. Evan’s got himself back under control now, but Connor’s shirt is all wet.

“No,” Evan says, muffled by Connor’s body. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to be scared you’re not good enough. Just try to quiet the noises in your head, we can’t compete with all that,” he jokes. Evan huffs, and it’s kind of like a laugh.

Evan pulls away again, wiping at his face with his sleeves.

“I’m sorry about your shirt,” Evan murmurs.

“I’ve got other ones,” Connor tries. It falls flat, because Evan just nods and looks back down at his hands. “Do you wanna talk about what that was about?”

“No,” Evan says quickly. He clears his throat and sniffles again. “Maybe later. Not now.”

“Okay. Do you wanna watch a movie?”

Evan just nods, crawling over so that he can lay down properly on Connor’s bed. Connor gets his laptop and crawls in beside him, putting on something that Evan can get lost into. Evan leans into him and he cards his fingers through his hair, unsure of where to go from here.

+++

He drives Evan home that night. Evan sits in the passenger seat with his head against the window, not sleeping, but definitely resting.

They pull up in front of Evan’s house and Connor puts the car in park. He knows they’re going to sit there for a bit.

“Are you… Okay?” Connor asks. He knows it’s a dumb question, but he’s not sure how Evan’s feeling or why.

“I… Yeah.”

“That’s not very convincing, Evan.”

Evan sighs, sits up straight, staring ahead.

“I think I’m just a little worked up. I don’t really know why, but that’s all, really. I’m okay.” It doesn’t evade Connor that Evan is suddenly no longer stammering. (And he hasn’t been stuttering around Connor now that the two of them are close, but this is different, this isn’t him.)

“And you’re sure you’re okay with this? With us, I mean. Because if you aren’t, we can figure something out—”

“I want to be with you,” Evan says, looking directly at Connor now. It feels like the first real thing that Evan’s said in hours, maybe the first true thing. There’s no hesitation, no room for misinterpretation.

“I want to be with _you_,” Connor replies. A promise, he thinks.

“Then trust me when I say I’m okay right now.”

“Okay.”

Letting Evan get out of the car is one of the hardest things he’s had to do in a long time.

+++

The next week passes with no real incident. Evan’s a bit more closed off than usual, choosing to stay home more often than not. He goes stiff when Connor touches him, laughs emptily when prompted to, texts sparsely and vaguely. He starts to disappear and withdraw and Connor doesn’t even know how to make him come back. He thinks all he can really do is be there. So that’s what he does.

The Monday after Thanksgiving break, Connor finds himself anxious to go to school. Like, first day of school senior year anxious. He’s worried about what Evan will do or what he won’t do. He’s barely heard from him all weekend, a couple messages that were just replies to Connor’s messages. He knows it’s selfish, especially when Evan’s clearly feeling down, but he worries about their relationship.

Zoe doesn’t say anything about his obvious discomfort on the way to school, for which he’s grateful. When they arrive, the two of them make their way over to Evan’s locker—and Connor’s stomach is twisting and twirling at the thought of seeing Evan right now—and they see Evan with Alana, Jared, and Wesley. And he’s laughing.

Connor’s heart climbs into his throat. A week without hearing that laugh and he started to miss it like crazy.

Zoe pinches his arm. “He’s back, thank God,” she whispers, before heading over to greet their friends. So she noticed it too, then. That means so did Alana and probably Jared and even Wesley. They noticed and they care. Connor wishes he could tell Evan, but it might just make him upset.

So he goes to greet him.

Evan spots him immediately, and grabs his hands and pulls him into a kiss.

Their friends start cheering, totally drawing attention to them, but Connor couldn’t care less. He slips out of Evan’s grip and instead grabs his face, deepening their kiss. Evan hums in response, taking hold of his jacket.

“Jesus, guys, we’re in the middle of the fucking hallway,” Jared warns, shoving lightly at them. Both Connor and Evan bat him away, holding onto each other a little tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is probably my least favorite chapter lmao
> 
> if a lot of the dialogue in this looks familiar to you (specifically when larry and evan are in the garage and when connor is talking to evan in the midst of the panic attack), that is indeed because it mainly references/comes from the book/musical. i do this a couple of other times, but it's just my way of acknowledging the canon while also flipping everything on it's head. this will happen again, so if you don't like it, i'm sorry.
> 
> it was really important to me to try and develop larry's character specifically in this chapter, because we haven't really seen him yet. in the musical/book, he's not the greatest dad but he genuinely loved connor and thought he was doing his best. here, i try to emulate that and show that now (with the help of cynthia and zoe slapping him on the head off-screen) he more-or-less gets what connor has been going through and is trying to connect with him in ways that will make them both happy. hence why he tries to get to know evan, because he knows that he makes connor happy. :)
> 
> also, yes, larry and cynthia (though more specifically larry) are a bit biphobic and don't understand bisexuality. my parents were the same exact way when i first came out as bi, but now (almost 5-6 years later) they are much more comfortable and accepting of it. that's how i envision the murphys to be.
> 
> connor totally says to evan what zoe says to evan in "only us." it's just what has to happen, i don't make the rules.
> 
> i've also belatedly realized that it may seem like evan was wearing the cast for a long time. i'm gonna go out on a limb (pun intended) and say that since he was supposed to get it off halloween week, and that i imagine his particular cast lasted for, let's say, 12 weeks, that he "fell" out of the tree sometime mid- to late july. i don't know if that corresponds with the musical (and i know that evan says "end of may or early june" in "for forever" but that song is a lie so????) but i'm gonna say that's what happened. so.
> 
> and it may seem like everything's all good right now and everyone thinks they're all happy and whatever, but we'll see what happens. personally i find it a little funky that evan's all good suddenly but, hey, that's just me.
> 
> thank you all for everything you do, with the liking and the reading and the commenting and all that jazz! it means the absolute world to me! every time i get a notification i start squealing. seriously. it's becoming a problem. 
> 
> i love you all, and please take care of yourselves. you are not alone, you are never alone. stay safe everyone <3


	11. elevan (is it too soon to make another evan joke?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the truth. Despite the way he’s been feeling recently, right now, he feels pretty amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's another!
> 
> any warnings i can think of: dark thoughts, covering up real issues and pretty much just sweeping them under the rug, underage drinking but not excessively, and Christmas/Hanukkah/New Year's!
> 
> any mistakes are my own! if something's wrong, lemme know!

Evan’s not feeling better, not really. But he had an epiphany the Friday after Thanksgiving while he was lying in bed and staring up at the ceiling. There was no good reason for him to be feeling like this. He had friends, which he had never had before. He had a boyfriend, which he had never had before. He had a life, which, again, _he had never had before_.

He should be happy.

So he decided he would just be happy.

He would kiss Connor in front of everyone and call him his boyfriend and talk to his friends and go on triple dates to the bowling alley and he would be fine. He wasn’t sad, he was just bored. And that was shitty of him. So he’d try better.

He could totally do it. He could make it work.

+++

It starts snowing early December, so Evan gets into a new routine by the time mid-December hits. Jared is still driving him to school and they still all meet at his locker in the morning, but now he greets Connor with a kiss, sees Zoe and Jared do the same to Alana and Wesley. They talk about nonsense until the bell rings and they all split up to go their various ways. They meet back up for lunch, having configured the table so that now Evan sits in between Connor and Zoe, and Wesley sits in between Alana and Jared. Then they split again when the bell rings. Jared drives him home if he doesn’t go over to Connor’s. If he doesn’t, sometimes Jared will come in and play video games into the night. If he does, Zoe drives him and Connor, and they’ll hang around in the living room until Connor’s had enough of people and drags Evan upstairs. Most Fridays Evan and Zoe go to the bookstore, and they start learning to live in amicable silence, Zoe understanding that Evan can’t always speak. He starts helping Alana with whatever new project she’s working on that week. He starts talking to Wesley more, and finds that he doesn’t entirely dislike him. He has a routine. He has a life. He’s happy.

+++

It’s a Wednesday morning when Heidi wakes him up, shaking him gently.

“Rise and shine, sweetie,” she chirps. She’s dressed in her scrubs as usual, smiling down at him like they’re actually mother and son. Evan tries to not feel guilty for thinking that, considering she’s never around, but he tries to remind himself that it’s not her fault.

“I’m up,” he protests, and he does sit up.

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever,” Heidi says, opening his curtains. Evan groans and rolls out of bed. It seems harder today than usual. (Some days are just like that, where it feels so hard to get out of bed that you can barely function, barely breathe, but you have to keep going anyway. Evan fears today is one of those days.) “You’ve been so busy with all your friends!”

She knows about Jared, obviously, but not too long ago Evan told her that he had made a couple more friends. This was before him and Connor started dating, so he definitely hasn’t told her about that. She’ll also leave notes on his door whenever he’s out, little sayings or quotes or reminders. Lately, a lot of them have been something along the lines of “I love you, have fun!” He’s not sure when she started noticing he was always gone, but he thinks probably just recently.

“Yeah.” He stretches and wonders if it’s possible to just crawl back in bed and be dead to the world for a few more hours.

“What do you guys do all time?” she asks, starting to poke around his room. He doesn’t have anything to hide, really. There’s a couple new photos of him and his friends—(one specifically from Halloween, right before everyone started drinking. Connor’s arm is wrapped around him, but an outside observer might see it as a friendly gesture. To Evan, it means everything.)—but that’s it. She’s seen his room before, obviously.

“Drugs,” Evan jokes.

“That’s almost not funny.”

Evan looks up at her. She looks a bit worried.

“We don’t actually do drugs.”

“Well, that’s good.” But the worried look doesn’t fade. “You’re doing good, though? Really? All your classes and your friends and everything?”

“Yeah, Mom,” he lies. She doesn’t catch it, instead breathing out a sigh of relief and smiling at him.

“Oh, good. That’s great, Evan. I’m so proud of you.”

The words are empty, Evan knows. It’s just something moms say, so it’s something that Heidi says. There’s no way she’s actually proud of him. Not him.

(The words also make him feel like a fraud in his own skin, like he’s just hiding behind layers of “good son” and “great friend” and “loving boyfriend” but then you scrub that all away and all you get is raw Evan Hansen, which is pure liar and grade-A asshole.)

“Thanks, Mom.”

She bites her lip, nodding her head. She glances down at her watch and straightens up, moving to head out the door. She pauses in front of his nightstand, pointing at his pill box.

“You good on refills?”

Right. That. He still hasn’t taken his pills in what’s probably a month or so now. He could tell her. He could finally tell somebody that he hasn’t been taking them because he thought maybe he didn’t need them and now he’s in so deep that he can’t pull himself out and he could tell her and she could help him and it might actually work, he could actually get help.

“Yep,” he says instead. Maybe next time.

“Good.” She smiles and blows a kiss. “I love you, honey!”

And she’s gone. And Evan’s alone again. He breathes out, gives himself five minutes to feel upset about it, and then stands up and starts getting dressed.

+++

The first day of Hanukkah is Christmas Eve, so, with permission from his moms, Jared invites everyone over to celebrate. Evan knows that Jared only celebrates Hanukkah, but he and his mom try to do both Hanukkah and Christmas. Evan knows the only reason she does Christmas is because when he was young and didn’t really have Jewish friends, he would feel really weird talking about Hanukkah and their traditions. So they started celebrating Christmas too, a little bit to help Evan out and also because Evan’s dad’s not Jewish. Then his dad left and Heidi met Jo and Christine and suddenly Evan had a Jewish “friend.” But the tradition stuck regardless.

No one else seems to really celebrate on Christmas Eve, either, so they’re all available to come over. Evan gets presents for everybody with the money he made over summer. It’s not that great, considering he didn’t want to spend all his money, but it’s something.

Alana picks him up and drives him to Jared’s. They get there and meet Wesley in the driveway, who’s wearing a stupid Hanukkah-themed ugly sweater. Jared’s either gonna love it or absolutely despise it.

Connor opens the door and beams at Evan, stepping aside to let everyone in. He’s absolutely beautiful, hair tied up in a bun—which never fails to make Evan’s heart stop, and the last time he saw Connor with his hair tied up was the morning after Halloween and he fucking burnt himself while staring at Connor—and wearing a burgundy sweater that fits him so damn well.

They enter the house and Evan’s immediately grateful that he’s not the only one who brought presents, considering the bags in Alana’s and Wesley’s arms as well as the Christmas tree—and Evan thinks that Christine probably convinced Jo and Jared to put it up just for Jared’s friends—which has a bunch of gifts underneath it.

“Hey,” Connor says, pulling on Evan’s jacket to kiss him. Evan happily lets him. Part of him can’t believe he gets to just kiss someone like Connor on a regular basis. Another part of him feels like a fraud (again). But it’s the first night of Hanukkah and he’s surrounded by people he loves, so he tries not to feel sad tonight.

“Hey back,” Evan says when they pull apart. He shoves Connor away playfully, heading over to put his presents down under the Christmas tree. He then goes to join everyone in the kitchen, where he can hear them laughing.

Jared’s at the stove, Jo standing over his shoulder and trying to instruct him on the proper way to make latkes. He’s yet to see Alana, Wesley, or Evan, though. Zoe’s sitting at the island, talking about Christmas traditions with Christine, who actually looks interested.

“Party’s arrived,” Connor announces. Jared glances over his shoulder and his eyes immediately widen at Wesley’s sweater.

“What the fuck is that?” He demands.

“Language,” his mothers say in tandem. It’s a reflex for them. He ignores them. Wesley laughs.

“I found it when I was shopping for presents and as soon as I saw it I thought of you and—”

“Because I’m Jewish?” Jared bites out.

“Yes,” Wesley says bluntly, raising an eyebrow. He’s not the type to back down from a challenge, Evan’s noticed.

“Well, I love it,” Jared says simply, turning back to the stove. Jo rolls her eyes and starts instructing him again. Christine snorts.

“Hi, guys, how are you all?” she asks. The three of them give a positive sounding grumble that seems to satisfy Christine. Then she smiles at Evan. “How’s your mom, love?”

“Oh, yeah, she’s good.” Truth is, Evan’s not sure. He doesn’t see her ever. Doesn’t anyone remember that?

“Great. Tell her to call sometime, we miss having you guys over!”

Christine was the one who got Heidi and Evan their current house after Evan’s dad Mark left. She and Heidi became friends after that, and then Christine introduced her to her wife and the three of them became best friends. But with Heidi having to work all the time and go to school, it’s hard for them to stay in contact, really. So they live vicariously through their sons.

“I’ll tell her,” Evan promises. He probably will, but he can’t guarantee it’ll be anytime soon.

Zoe pulls Alana into a conversation, entwining their fingers as she talks, smiling and looking absolutely stunning. Evan’s genuinely proud of how confident and strong she’s become, how she’s no longer someone he has to have, but instead someone he wants to be around, if that makes any sense.

Alana, too, for that matter. She’s usually so meek, but getting together with Zoe must have helped her realize something about herself. She’s still the workaholic they all know and love, but she’s more sure of where she steps and she doesn’t look back. She takes Zoe’s hand in the hallway now, in front of everyone. She told Evan once that she used to dream of being able to hold her girlfriend’s hand in public. Now she initiates the contact.

Jared calls Wesley over to help him keep Jo away from his “masterpieces.” Jared’s changed for the better, as well, going from a downright asshole with huge insecurities that he took out on other people and lying about everything—(he and Evan had a three hour talk one night about how he felt like he was nothing, how he was insignificant compared to his friends and peers. That was the first time Jared had cried in front of them since they were nine and Jared broke his wrist. He had stayed by Jared’s side, telling him that nobody saw him like that, that even though he drove them crazy, they couldn’t imagine a life without his unbelievable sarcasm and sharp wit)—to a guy who is unbearably and unapologetically honest and smiles more and, yeah, is definitely still a bit of an asshole.

And then there’s Connor.

Connor who is so beautiful and so bright and so _him_ that it makes Evan warm all over. He’s so warm and wonderful, constantly and pleasantly surprising Evan with everything he does. He’s kind and funny and smart and perfect. He reads big or obscure books and occasionally writes short stories and doodles whenever he can find the time. He’s a good brother, a great friend, and an amazing boyfriend. He’s everything Evan’s ever wanted and more, and he does it all without even trying that hard. It just comes naturally. He helps Alana where she needs it, lends books to Zoe so she can read them and whatever else he’s crammed into the margins, jokes around with Jared but also genuinely cares about him and his emotions and never oversteps his boundaries, even starting a list with Wes about the greatest movies ever made, vowing to watch them all together or at least compare notes. And he does everything for Evan. Anything he asks, and some things he doesn’t, and he just does it. No question, no hesitation. And Evan loves him for it.

_Oh._

Well, that’s interesting. But it’s true, he thinks. He totally loves Connor. They’ve only known each other four, almost five, months—and that doesn’t even include all the years they’ve gone to school together and have been orbiting each other—and Evan already loves him.

_Jesus_.

“Ev?” Connor’s saying. Evan tunes back in, trying to calm himself down. The revelation came with sweaty palms and a fast heartbeat, but he hopes no one’s noticed. Connor’s just looking at him all worriedly.

“Sorry,” he says, “zoned out. Were you saying something?”

“I was asking what you and your mom do for Christmas. Or Hanukkah, I guess.”

Evan smiles. An easy question, but another little thing that gets ticked on the “_Evan Hansen is Absolutely in Love with Connor Murphy Holy Shit_” list.

“We celebrate both, together if they’re during the same time. My mom’s Jewish, but my dad isn’t. When he… was around, we would celebrate Christmas for me and him and Hanukkah for me and my mom. Then we just started doing both, anyway,” Evan explains. Connor nods as he listens, little bun bouncing. Evan thinks if he doesn’t make out with him within the next minute he might die.

“That’s really cool,” Connor says, smiling softly down at Evan. Evan decides, _fuck it_, and leans up and pulls Connor into a heated kiss. Connor swiftly wraps his arms around him, always there to catch him when he falls.

They have to pull away when Jared starts whistling lowly and the girls start cheering, Wesley and Jo chuckling. Evan’s cheeks are all red, but he feels warm inside, and he holds onto that.

“Uh, what the hell was that?” Connor questions when the peanut gallery finally turns away.

“You look so beautiful,” Evan says simply. Connor’s face slowly morphs as his little smile turns into a smirk which turns into a bright grin that shows nearly all his teeth. His cheeks and the tips of his ears turn pink, too, but he doesn’t seem to care.

“What is with you right now? Don’t get me wrong, I _love_ the enthusiasm, but tonight you’re…”

“Happy,” Evan chooses. It’s the truth. Despite the way he’s been feeling recently, right now, he feels pretty amazing.

+++

They eat latkes (that Jared made) and sufganiyot (that Christine made) and Jared forces everyone to play a game of dreidel, which he wins and he probably somehow cheated at, and then they finally decide they’re going to open presents.

They sit in a circle around the living room, Jo and Christine having retired upstairs to let the kids do their thing. One of Jared’s parody Hanukkah albums is playing in the background and he occasionally signs under his breath, nudging Wesley excitedly when one of his favorite parts comes on.

Zoe and Alana sit in front of the tree to pass out presents. Evan ends up with four presents, missing one from Connor, but he thinks he knows exactly what’s happened, because Connor’s present from Evan is still in Evan’s coat pocket by the front door, too. They’ll exchange presents later, when they have the chance to be intimate and alone.

They all start opening at the same time. He hears laughter and excited yelling and the throwing of something, all while he picks at his gift wrapping. The first thing is a copy of the Shawshank Redemption. Evan raises an eyebrow at Wes, who catches it and sheepishly smiles.

“Sorry, Evan, but either you watch the best movie ever created or we stop being friends.”

Evan rolls his eyes. It’s almost weird how in love with movies Wesley is. But he thanks him anyway. The second present is from Zoe, a small square gift-wrapped neatly. Evan tears the wrapping paper and starts laughing. Zoe looks over at grins at him.

“It’s the top 100 greatest hits of the 90's, so you can get educated, son!”

Evan laughs again, and she looks pleased, so it’s a win-win.

The next present is from Jared. It’s a gift bag, so Evan takes out all the paper in order to get to the actual gift. His hand closes around something, but it feels like there’s more in the bag. He decides to go one at a time.

“Ah!” Jared sees that Evan is opening his present now and inserts himself into the conversation. Evan looks down at the gift in his hands. It’s a photo frame, holding a photo of Jared and Evan from when they were seven and grinning mildly, teeth missing and arms slung around each other. Evan’s heart clenches. “So that’s, um, well, I don’t know if you remember at all, but that’s the first day we met. The second day, actually, the first was only for, like, five minutes, but the second time we actually played together and we both ended up knocking out our teeth, do you remember that? Anyway, up until recently, that was the best day of my life. And I knew that it used to be one of the best days of your life, even if we don’t talk about it. But I thought I’d give it to you, so you’d always remember. So. Yeah.”

Evan has to wipe at his eyes because he’s definitely crying. Everyone’s gone silent, all staring at Jared in awe. He doesn’t talk about his feelings, ever, but on the very slight occasion that he does (and it’s seriously been like once or twice), it’s always very sappy and emotional.

“Thank you,” Evan chokes out, clutching onto the picture frame a little tighter and wiping at his eyes. “I love it.” He turns to the gift bag again, trying to draw attention away from himself, moving to take out the next item. It’s a box of—

“Condoms,” Jared announces proudly. “I also got you a box of condoms. You’re gonna need ‘em, buddy, trust me.” Wesley groans and shoves at Jared, but he’s got a shit-eating grin on his face anyway. Evan feels his cheeks heat up and glares at Jared, stuffing them back in the gift bag.

“You’re so thoughtful,” he says sarcastically. Jared shrugs a shoulder.

“You know you love me.”

“I do,” Evan says earnestly, feeling like, for the first time, he can actually tell Jared how much he appreciates their friendship. How happy he is that they’re real friends, not family friends. That they’re best friends, first and foremost. Jared has a look of shock on his face, but he quickly covers it up.

“As you should,” Jared says haughtily. But Evan can see what those words mean to him. He hopes Jared knows just how much he loves him. One day he’ll find the time to properly say it and help make him believe it.

The last present is in a big box with no name on it. Evan knows it’s Alana’s, though, since she’s the last one left. He opens it up and lets out a little gasp.

“What is it?” Connor asks from his side, peering over his shoulder into the box. “Whoa, shit.”

“It’s my old camera,” Alana is suddenly explaining. “I know how much you like nature and I figured that you could take some pictures for us.” She’s blushing.

“Aww,” Zoe says, wrapping her arms around Alana. “That’s so sweet of you.”

“Alana, this is—” Evan tries.

“It’s an old camera, Evan. It’s really nothing. I want to see all your adventures, though. So you better print out a couple copies for me, yeah?”

“Yeah,” he promises, throat tight. She just smiles softly, pats his knee, and starts cleaning up the wrapping paper.

+++

It’s close to eleven thirty when Connor asks if they can talk privately. Evan agrees, of course, and says he’ll meet him in the kitchen.

He runs back to the front door and fishes the small rectangle out of his pocket for Connor, stuffing it into his jeans’ pocket before racing back to the kitchen. He prays that this will work, that Connor will understand and that he’ll like it, that he’ll like what it means.

Connor’s pouring tea into a mug. He slides it toward Evan when he comes in, getting another mug for himself from the little mug rack by the sink. Christine’s an avid tea drinker, always trying to get Jared to join her. Jared is constantly complaining about tea, though, about how it just takes like leaf water. Evan thinks it’s absolutely hilarious.

“Thanks.”

“Of course.”

Evan takes a sip of the burning tea and scuffs his shoe against the tile floor, suddenly feeling sort of awkward around Connor. He’s hasn’t been awkward around Connor in a long time. It’s a feeling he doesn’t miss.

“I wanted to give you your present in private,” Connor says after a full two minutes of them sipping tea and not saying anything.

“I kind of figured,” Evan says dumbly. Then winces. “I mean, I wanted to give you your present in private, too.”

“Cool.” Connor’s smiling at him, small and private, just for Evan.

“Cool.” Evan feels himself smile, too.

Then Connor hands him a wrapped rectangle. Evan sets down his mug and takes it. Connor makes a motion that Evan chooses to interpret as _Unwrap it, you idiot_. So he does.

Then he starts laughing.

He immediately tries to stop and grab Connor to hold him in place, terrified he will misinterpret why Evan’s actually laughing. “I’m not laughing at the gift!” he exclaims through his giggles. He feels Connor relax. He pulls Connor’s present out of his pocket, lets go of Connor’s arm, and waves a hand for him to open it.

Connor unwraps his gift and starts laughing as well.

In their hands, they both hold the same copy of _To Kill a Mockingbird_, although the copy in Evan’s hand looks well-read, the spine cracked from years of use. It’s probably Connor’s personal copy, presumably filled with hundreds of notes and underlined text, stuff that really stuck out to Connor, made an impact on him.

“I can’t believe this,” Evan says when they’ve calmed down. “Our first Christmas together and we get the exact same present!”

“I didn’t think you remembered,” Connor says quietly. He’s smiling, like he’s in awe of Evan’s presence. Evan grins at him, rolling his eyes fondly.

“Of course, I did. It was our first real conversation. And you kept talking about some lame ass book we read in ninth grade.”

“Hey, it’s a great book,” Connor argues.

“_You’re_ lame,” Evan counters, pulling him into a kiss.

They stay like that for a very long time, until Jared wanders in to grab a snack and yells, “We eat in here!”

They break apart giggling like pre-teens. Evan feels a little more whole, even if it’s only temporary.

+++

New Year’s and the end of Hanukkah comes quickly. They get back together at Jared’s place once again for New Year’s and hang around in his living room. Jo and Christine let them drink, but only if they fork over their keys and spend the night. Everyone does.

They get a bit buzzed and watch the Ball Drop on the TV. When the countdown starts, Connor pulls Evan close and whispers the numbers against his lips. They start kissing before he gets to four.

Afterwards, and after a few more drinks, they climb into the guest bed they used for Halloween and make out until they get too tired and pass out above the covers.

It’s still the best New Year’s Evan’s ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here we can see that evan is not doing as good as he pretends he is. this happens a lot, i see it with my friends and know it personally; it's easier to pretend nothing is wrong than to actually deal with your problems. it is also not healthy.
> 
> i know nothing about jewish culture/tradition, especially when it comes to hanukkah! so if something doesn't seem right, please let me know so i can fix it! also, latkes are traditional in ashkenazi jewish families while sufganiyot is traditional in israeli, sephardi, or polish jewish families. therefore, it is my headcanon that jo, one of jared's moms, is an ashkenazi jew while christine was raised a polish jew. just to clear that up. as for heidi and her family, i also think they're ashkenazi jewish.
> 
> wesley is chaotically supportive and that's that, i don't make the rules. (and jared loves him for it)
> 
> you may also notice that evan is swearing more and that this chapter in particular isn't as rambling as normal. this is because he is kind of free-falling right now and he's not acting like himself. this is evident by the last chapter, with connor and zoe's dialogue, as well as connor's confusion in this chapter. our boy is not doing good y'all
> 
> and love confessions! oh boy! evan's starting to admit to himself that he actually loves connor, how cool! we'll obviously play around with this, considering it's what we've (i've, especially) been waiting for!
> 
> and i love soft jared and supportive alana. i love zoe and connor and evan, too, so much. just, wow.
> 
> y'all remember that to kill a mockingbird thing from the beginning? it's exclusively mentioned in the book, but i couldn't give it up. (i'm literally the worst at presents, so i had no idea what they could possibly give to each other)
> 
> and that's about all (for this chap)! thank you all for liking and reading and commenting and all that jazz! it seriously means the world to me! thank you all so much, i love you <3


	12. twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He has probably the best friends a person could ask for, a family that’s now open and connected, and the most adorable and attentive boyfriend in the entire world.
> 
> And he’s so happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back! so close to the ending, but here's another one for ya!
> 
> any warnings i can think of: descriptions of mania, implied/referenced sexual content (nothing explicit bc i'm a wimp, but they are underage, just so y'all know), arguing, dark thoughts and even darker voicing of thoughts, and i think that's it? i'm trying to tag properly without spoiling anything.
> 
> as always, mistakes are my own. if something's up, lemme know!

Connor’s never felt so _alive_.

It’s like the energy just thrums under his skin and he’s engulfed in warmth. His body tingles, his mind and mouth move a mile a minute, just chatting and laughing and being. He’s never been so happy, he thinks. Everything is bright and shining and he can do anything. He feels like he could conquer the world with the snap of his fingers, like he could break a mountain in half and toss the rubble over his shoulder like it’s salt.

He’s got Zoe back, and she’s pushing him and laughing at him and teasing him, but suddenly it’s all in good nature, and he’s doing it back and she loves it. They watch movies together on the couch. He tells her they should start a band one night and they stay up writing songs and choosing band names until the dawn starts rolling in.

His dad is talking to him, for once, opening up. He asks Connor how he’s doing, if he’s getting along well in his classes, if he thinks he wants to go to university, that there’s absolutely no pressure if he doesn’t. He doesn’t ask about baseball anymore, or all that other shit that Connor finds so boring, but he does ask on occasion how therapy’s going and if Connor thinks he’s making progress.

(And he does. He doesn’t think he’ll ever not need a therapist, but maybe one day he’ll be good enough to only go once a month, and then once every three months. He’s still working at it.)

His mom dotes on him, like always, but her smiles are no longer forced. She’s not straining to create a relationship with a son who doesn’t want her, because he realizes that he would be lost without his mother and that if she hadn’t listened to him, he probably would be in a very different place right now. (The ground, probably, if he’s being honest.)

Alana braids his hair after they spend three hours learning about various epics, prattling on about this book she once read that she thinks Connor will like. He paints her nails purple and they talk about their plans for the future and how much the plans they used to have, have now changed.

Jared waves at him in the hallway, occasionally stopping to tell him about some dumb thing he just overheard or his opinion on whatever tangent is floating around in his mind. They throw snacks at each other across the lunch table, and Jared slowly makes his way through the _Harry Potter_ series that Connor’s lending him, making notes in the margins next to Connor’s old handwriting, snorting when he reads something particularly angsty or childish.

And then there’s Evan.

Evan’s just there and he’s beautiful and he’s so damn smart and so funny. He laughs into Connor’s mouth and tells him he’s pretty and no one’s ever said that about Connor before. He’ll hold his hand when they walk, whether it’s down the school hallways or throughout one of their houses, just holding onto him always. He’ll cuddle up with him and tell him about this new documentary he’s seen that he thinks Connor would really like and about all the food his Jewish grandmother would make for him as a kid and about that one time him and Jared were playing kickball and Jared scraped his knee and cried so hard that Evan thought he was gonna puke.

He’s there, and he’s always there, and that’s only all a small portion of why Connor is so head over heels for him. Why he feels drawn to him. Why he feels like he needs him. Like he couldn’t even fucking breathe without him.

He has probably the best friends a person could ask for, a family that’s now open and connected, and the most adorable and attentive boyfriend in the entire world.

And _he’s so happy_.

+++

Connor’s over at Evan’s house, lounging on his bed and listening to whatever album Evan’s been playing on repeat for the two hours. It’s two weeks into January, and they’ve been back at school for less than half that time, but it’s been really good so far. He’s pleasantly surprised that everything’s working out better than he thought it would.

(And that’s sometimes the kicker with stuff like this, is that he spends so much time thinking about how nothing ever goes right and nothing can work and then when, miracle of all miracles, it does, he actually has the chance to be rightfully happy and pleased. And he totally has that chance now.)

Evan’s humming along to the album, trying to work through some kind of algebra problem when he catches Connor staring. Connor’s just looking at him, though, looking at how beautiful he is. His hair curls at the end (Connor now gets why Evan thinks it’s so cute on _him_, because, _wow_, is that adorable) and his eyes are this blue-green color that reminds Connor of the sea, actually, and he’s so small and slight and yet made with some lean muscle and there’s a light smattering of freckles across his nose that Connor just wants to—

“Connor!” Evan says a little more forcefully than the situation requires. That means he’s been trying to speak this entire time. And Connor’s definitely just been zoning out staring at him. He’s not sure how much time has passed.

“Uh huh?”

“Are you doing okay? You were just… Staring at me.” Evan shifts awkwardly. Connor frowns.

“Was I making you uncomfortable?” He moves to the floor where Evan is sitting, pushing his textbooks out of the way. Evan raises an eyebrow, but lets him do it.

“The scrutiny, yes. You? Never.”

“Good.” Connor leans in to peck Evan’s lips. Evan returns it happily. “Because I never—” _peck_ “—want to make you—” _peck_ “—uncomfortable—” _peck_ “—ever—”

Evan tackles him to the floor when he tries to go in the for the last kiss. Connor laughs, but wraps his arms around him. And they’re making out and Evan’s tugging at Connor’s hair, which makes Connor moan way louder than he means to, but Evan’s just taking it all, pushing against him so they’re touching everywhere and, _wow_, Connor feels like he’s on fire right now. He starts pulling at Evan’s shirt, tugging it up, a little hesitant because he’s not really sure where Evan stands on this whole thing. Because they’ve never actually talked about this before. And then Evan pulls back, and Connor feels his heart sink a little, but he starts to pull away for Evan’s sake, but then Evan is pulling the shirt off completely and leaning back down to kiss Connor and Connor thinks he might actually explode this time, his fingers fumbling as he tries to undo the button on Evan’s pants.

They don’t technically have sex that night—because neither of them are really ready for _that_ yet—but it’s a near thing.

Afterwards, Connor lays beside Evan on the floor, Evan’s whole bedroom encased in the dying daylight, a warm orange playing softly over their features. Connor is staring at Evan, wondering how in the hell did he manage to score someone as beautiful as _that_. The slope of his nose, the small upturn of the corners of his lips, the shine in his eyes as he’s looking at Connor, like he doesn’t deserve him. Like he’s unworthy.

(And Connor prays that he never makes Evan feel that way, that he’s just reading into the look and that’s not what’s really there. Because, if anything, it’s him who is unworthy of Evan’s attention, of his presence. He doesn’t deserve Evan in the slightest, not the other way around.)

Connor thinks he could do it right now. He could say the words that have been niggling at the back of his mind since Halloween, those three little words. And there’s Evan, lying next to him, looking at him with those shiny eyes, forever understanding, forever present.

And he can’t do it.

Not yet, at least.

But he leans over and kisses Evan delicately and doesn’t say anything.

(He doesn’t have to with Evan. He never has to. Evan just… gets it.)

+++

Connor rolls out of bed Friday morning to Zoe’s shoves. He swings at her with a pillow, but he misses and now he’s down a pillow. She cackles and tells him they’re gonna be late. So he rushes to get ready, throws his hair up in a bun (because he knows how much it drives Evan crazy), and heads out the door. He doesn’t even look at his near-empty pill bottle.

The ride to school is filled with Zoe’s ranting about her fellow jazz band members and how terribly they played in the Holiday Concert (Connor knows, because he was there, along with their parents and their friends; Zoe totally cried afterwards, too, because she’d never had that many people that she loved see her play before). Connor listens dutifully anyway, but the concert had literally happened almost a month ago. And Zoe’s still complaining about it. He’s kind of tired of hearing about how Louis needs to _learn how to actually play trombone so help me God_.

They get a nice parking spot, though, and that cheers them both up. Connor brings up the topic of her upcoming SATs, just to piss her off, and she grumbles and shoves at him and complains some more about life. He lets her.

They meet everyone at Evan’s locker. Zoe steps up and grabs Alana’s face and kisses the shit out of her, which makes her squeal and Connor laugh, but politely look away. He attempts to do the same thing to Evan, but he gets met with a hand to the face.

“Don’t even think about it,” Evan teases, but allows Connor to kiss him on the cheek instead. They’ve been a lot more affectionate after the whole not-sex thing. They’re not really PDA people, contrary to what Jared may think, but Connor just feels like he can’t possibly keep his hands to himself, and Evan’s open to almost anything, surprisingly. (And Connor’s stopped multiple times to ask if he’s okay, if _this_ is okay, and every time Evan just pulls him back in, telling him yes in every way other than words.)

“Where’s Wes?” Zoe asks after she’s pulled away from Alana, who’s all blushing and bashful. It’s adorable.

“Oh, he’s out sick,” Jared says, and Connor’s just now noticing that he’s been leaning against the lockers texting rapidly. Probably to Wesley, actually. “But I still wanna hang out tonight. Are we all down?”

“Do you have a plan?” Connor asks, slinging his arm around Evan and bumping his hip against Evan’s (or more like against Evan’s side, since Connor’s all legs and Evan’s got more of a long torso situation going on). Evan bumps back in acknowledgment.

“We talked about just going over to my house, actually,” Evan says. Connor feels Evan’s hand grip his hip a little tighter. He’s not sure what that’s in relation to.

“We’re gonna make cocoa!” Alana chirps.

“And watch Christmas movies,” Jared adds.

“It’s January 13th,” Connor counters.

“Okay, so _Friday the 13th_, anyone?” Zoe asks. Everyone but Connor and Evan cheer. Instead, they look at each other, hopelessly exasperated by their friends.

+++

They’ve made the cocoa and are lounging on Evan’s sectional, watching Pamela Voorhees chase around hapless victims while they chatter amongst themselves. Zoe and Alana have taken the far corner by the door and are cuddling close together, Alana jumping or yipping every time something remotely scary happens, while Jared’s found a spot on the floor, munching on Oreo's he found in Evan’s pantry, loving every second of the violence. Connor and Evan are on the other far corner of the couch, not focused on the TV, really, more paying attention to each other.

“I love your hair like this,” Evan whispers to him. Connor blushes furiously and hopes the others can’t hear.

“I know,” he mutters back. Evan raises an eyebrow. “I did it for you.”

“Oh.” Now Evan blushes. “I-it looks really good.”

“Cool.” He brushes their noses together.

“Cool,” Evan echoes, reaching up to kiss him.

“Guys, Jesus, shit, can you go five minutes without making out?” Jared groans from the floor. Connor laughs, pulling away and flipping him off. Jared throws his pillow at them, but Connor deflects it before it can hit Evan.

“My hero,” Evan says dryly. Connor shoves him off the couch.

“Come on, I want brownies,” he announces. Evan swings at him, but he misses. Zoe cheers and pulls Alana up with her. Jared follows along.

“You pushed me, you ass!” Evan hisses. Connor offers a hand to help him up, but Evan slaps it away, getting up on his own. Connor wraps his arms around him, despite Evan trying to push away from him.

“I’ll make it up to you later,” he promises, whispering directly into Evan’s ear. He feels Evan stop fighting, sees how red his cheeks get. He grins, nips playfully at his earlobe, and walks away. Evan’s a stuttering mess behind him.

They find all of the ingredients for brownies and Zoe appoints herself Head Chef, calling Alana her Sous-Chef and kissing her on the nose. Then, when Alana fumbles the flour after the kiss, appoints Evan as her Sous-Chef. She also kisses his nose, which makes him giggle and push her away, but he doesn’t drop anything.

Connor learns that Jared sucks at getting eggshells out of the batter, and that Alana refuses to eat chewy brownies although Zoe thinks that’s the only way brownies can be made. Evan hates the corner pieces and can’t pour batter for shit, getting it all over the counter.

“One pinch, Jared!” Zoe’s yelling. “One fucking pinch!” She knocks the salt out of his hands and it goes all over the kitchen. They all stare at it for a minute before laughing and continuing baking.

  
They end up waiting for the brownies while leaning against the island, Connor and Alana sitting on the counter while Jared reads them his timeline on Twitter. All five of them are covered in flour after Jared decided that half a cup was just too little. Someone is screaming from the TV in the living room. They’re eating the excess brownie batter out of the bowl with their fingers. It’s peaceful.

When the brownies are finally ready, they take the whole pan back into the living room and sit down, picking the brownie out with their hands (literally only Alana is using a fork and a napkin, because she’s the only civilized one of the bunch).

That’s how Heidi finds them: covered in flour, eating brownies straight out of the pan, and watching the end credits of _Friday the 13th_, sitting on her nice sectional.

“Mom,” Evan says, standing up. Connor’s hand, which had found its way to Evan’s back, drops. Heidi watches it. “I—I didn’t know you were going to be home.”

“I thought I’d surprise you. I didn’t know you’d have company.” She doesn’t sound mad, just genuinely surprised.

Connor starts to stand up to greet her, but Evan sends him a little glare. Connor’s not sure what _that’s_ for, but sits back down anyway.

“Well, like I said I didn’t think you would be _home_.” Evan’s words bite a little harder than anyone’s expecting, Connor thinks, because Jared is suddenly looking away from everything and clearing his throat. Alana and Zoe share a glance.

Heidi brushes her hair behind her ear and instead looks at Jared. “Jared, honey, it’s nice to see you. How’ve you been? How’re your mothers?”

“Good, Mrs. Hansen. We’re all really good. Actually, they wanted to invite you over for—”

“We’re gonna go,” Evan decides, cutting Jared off and starting to make room to leave. Zoe and Alana let him pass. “I’ll see you later, Mom.”

“Now, wait,” Heidi reaches for Evan, but he completely ignores it. Connor’s really not sure what’s going on. He feels like he’s five steps behind, like he’s missed a whole section of _whatever the hell is going on right now_ and he can’t catch up.

“Evan,” he says, standing up. Evan passes him and grabs the brownies, heading back toward the kitchen. “Hey, wait.”

Evan’s just dumped the pan back in the kitchen and is pulling on his shoes now. He says nothing. Zoe, Alana, and Jared have started doing the same, giving Heidi smiles and waves as they passed her. Only Connor is staring there in his bright red and blue socks, terribly confused as to what’s happening, and why no one is saying anything, looking like a fish out of water. Heidi looks at him.

“I’m Heidi,” she says, sticking a hand out. Evan’s looking up now, eyebrows furrowed. Connor glances at him, but takes her hand and shakes it.

“Connor,” he replies. “I’m Evan’s—”

“Come on, Connor,” Evan urges, breaking their handshake by snatching Connor’s other arm and dragging him away (his arm, Connor notes, not his hand). Connor feels something building in the back of his throat, something else coming to rest right behind his heart. Did Evan really not even tell his mom about Connor? Not once? After everything they’ve been through?

(And, yeah, okay, he gets that it’s only been five months, he’s not _stupid_. But he’s told Evan stuff he’s never told anyone before, _done_ stuff with him. He’s trying to be better, to be different, and it’s all because of Evan. Because the Evan he knows saw something in him that was worth it, that continues to be worth it. The Evan standing before him now is not his Evan. Not in the slightest.)

“Evan, honey, do you have some time? I know you want to go out with your friends right now, but I never see you anymore and I—”

“That’s not my fault,” Evan says suddenly. Alana’s movements stutter as she looks up in shock, like she can’t believe he just said that. Zoe’s eyes are averted, too used to this kind of fighting. Jared watches with worry in his eyes, knowing there’s a train wreck coming and there’s nothing he can do to stop it, and yet he can’t look away. Connor has to do something, has to help.

“Ev, we can all hang out later. Why don’t you hang out with your mom and we’ll—”

“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” The laugh that punctuates it is bitter. Connor’s heart starts to pound. Whatever is inside of him is growing, and rapidly.

“W-what?”

But Evan just laughs again, harshly, shaking his head. Jared clears his throat for the second time.

“I’m going to take Alana and Zoe home,” he decides. Heidi nods furiously.

“Please,” she grounds out. The three of them rush out the door, leaving the Hansens and Connor alone in the front hallway.

“What’s going on?” Heidi asks softly. Her scrubs have little cartoon farm animals on them. They look rumpled, like they’ve just come from a hard day’s work.

“Why are you home?” Evan counters.

“I got my shift covered because I wanted to spend time with you. Because I miss you. And I’m happy that you’re hanging out with friends, Evan, but I don’t understand what’s going on with you.”

“Nothing is going on with me.”

“It’s obviously not nothing, Evan, you’re all different now. Hanging out with all these new people, not taking your meds, not talking to me… I don’t know who that person is.”

Connor didn’t know Evan isn’t taking his meds. When did Evan stop taking them? Last week? Last month? A few months ago? Has he been so completely self-centered that he didn’t even notice that Evan wasn’t doing okay? _Isn’t_ doing okay.

“You’re making a big deal out of something that isn’t a big deal.”

“Evan, what is going on with you? You need to talk to me. You need to communicate with me.”

“Nothing is going on with me. I told you—”

“I’m your mother!”

They both fall into shocked silence. Connor clenches his jaw and silently wishes he had his shoes on so he could just walk out right now, let them hash it out alone. He doesn’t need to be here for this, doesn’t need to see them fall apart. He’s see it with his own family enough times.

The thing behind his heart is grows with every second, awaiting and hungry.

“I’m your mother,” Heidi repeats. There’s tears that she’s wiping away with her fingers. Evan looks guilty, but he doesn’t say anything. They still don’t notice Connor.

He clears his throat. Evan’s eyes met his and he looks mortified. Connor regrets doing anything.

“I-I’m sorry. I’m gonna go now.” He moves to where his stuff is, trying to pull everything on quickly. Heidi clears her throat, trying to make it seem like she wasn’t just crying.

“I’ll drive you,” Evan says. Connor glances up. Evan doesn’t drive. Heidi also knows this, and she’s looking at him like she doesn’t even know who he is anymore, like he’s a stranger.

Maybe he is.

But, “O-okay,” is all Connor can say.

When Connor’s got all his stuff, Evan grabs his elbow, and the keys from the little bowl by the front door, and kind of drags him outside. Connor’s getting such whiplash from this whole situation that he’s not even sure what he should say. If he should say anything. If Evan will welcome it.

They get into Evan’s mom’s car and Evan doesn’t even hesitant before he’s backing out of the driveway. Connor doesn’t think Evan should be driving right now, considering, but he’s too afraid to say otherwise.

(Afraid of what, he’s not sure. Evan could never hurt him, never hurt anyone, but… The way he’s looking right now, caged and rabid, it worries Connor. Is this where Evan snaps? Does Evan have a breaking point? He must, right, everyone does. But is this it?)

“What was that?” he asks instead. Evan glances over at him with a raised eyebrow.

“What?”

“Uh, you just snubbed your mom, like, hardcore. You told me you guys are close.”

Evan huffs. “Can’t be very close when she’s gone all the time.”

“Are you okay?” Connor stares at him. Evan kind of throws a hand up in exasperation.

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

“Because you’re not acting like yourself?”

Evan starts laughing. It’s so grating that it’s actually painful for Connor to hear. It’s fake and bitter and nothing like the Evan he knows, _his_ _Evan_. “Like you actually know me. We’ve known each other for, what, five months? That’s not long enough to know someone, let alone start fucking dating them.”

Whoa, what? Is Evan actually saying…

“You don’t think we should be dating?” Connor hates how small his voice sounds.

“We don’t know anything about each other, Connor,” he reiterates, almost like he’s trying to explain to a small child. “I mean, why are we even together, huh? Because we’re both convenient for the other? Because no one else would date us? I mean, look at us! The spastic anxious loser and the school shooter freak—”

“Fuck you,” Connor bites out. Evan hits the brakes and they’re stopped at a stop sign, staring at each other. Evan doesn’t look apologetic in the slightest. Connor unbuckles his seat-belt and grabs his shit, pushing his way out of the car.

“Connor!” Evan protests, but Connor just shakes his head. He turns back at the last moment, holding onto the open door as he glares at Evan.

“I fucking thought you were different,” he spits. “I thought you actually lov—” Then he laughs, and it sounds just as bitter as Evan’s laugh. “But I was fucking wrong, as usual. You’re just like everyone fucking else. So _fuck you_.”

(Because he did, he did think that Evan loved him. He thought he could see it: when they first kissed and Evan had that dumb love-struck look on his face that Connor originally thought was horror but was actually just intense surprise; on Halloween night on the swing set, when he first started thinking this could be something more, when he realized just who Evan was and how he fit into Connor’s life; at their Hanukkah/Christmas party, when Evan kissed him because he was beautiful, when they got each other the same book, when Connor gave Evan _his_ book because it means so much more to him than just the first time they met, because it’s a promise, or it _was_; when they practically gave themselves to each other, because Connor has never trusted someone else to see his scars, never given so much of himself to another person, in body, mind, and spirit, only to have it blow up so spectacularly in his face. Because he was wrong. Evan never loved him. And that’s the hardest part of this all.)

Connor slams the door and stalks off down the street, the snow a perfect opposite to his boiling hot rage.

The beast behind his heart roars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew that was a fucking roller coaster
> 
> so, all the beginning stuff is portraying connor's mania. he feels like he can do anything, energy under his skin, conquer the world, staying up all night; that's all mania, baby (or at least my experiences with mania). yes, things are going good for him, but i also wanted to highlight his bpd by introducing the manic aspect of it. people who are suffering from mania also are more sexually promiscuous, so you could read into the bedroom scene however you want, i kind of left it to interpretation. (regardless, yes, he does want to be with evan, it's just how fast he's moving and how active he's being that could be because of the mania.)
> 
> they almost have sex, and, wow, i was so awkward and uncomfortable with writing that, that i literally could not do it. so i hope my half-assed attempt is enough lmao
> 
> connor misses his pills. that's important, and i wanted to highlight it again. he misses his pills.
> 
> dialogue again reflects the book/musical, specifically during the heidi/evan fight, in case you missed that.
> 
> connor meets heidi, kind of. this is where evan shifts and connor starts to lose him. connor gets another glimpse into the fact that evan is Not Okay, and his world starts to crumble. and then evan is Not Nice (because he's hurting or whatever, but that doesn't excuse it) and takes his problems out on connor. then connor's world just fucking shatters and he realizes that what he thought was happening, clearly is not happening.
> 
> i know he went from being, like, the best and at the tippy-top, to being in shambles and almost back to his old self, but life is like that sometimes, you know? try as you might, it can't all be good all the time, especially when mental illness is a factor. so it's definitely gonna get bad before it can get good.
> 
> and thank you all so much for liking and commenting and reading and everything! it means the universe to me (because, let's face it, the world is just too small) and i freak out every time i get any sort of notification! please please please take care of yourselves and others. i know it's hard, but, as DEH keeps teaching us, you are not alone and you will be found. <3


	13. thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And he’s gone.
> 
> And Evan’s alone.
> 
> The way it should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one's a roller coaster too. i'm not sorry
> 
> any warnings i can think of: DARK thoughts (like super dark), self-deprecating thoughts, suicidal thoughts, implied/referenced suicide attempt (but it never actually happens and it's not too explicit), evan is Not Okay, referenced past suicide attempt (though, again, not explicit), and talking about Feelings.
> 
> (this one is really dark folks. please take care of yourselves.)
> 
> as always, mistakes are my own! if something looks weird, lemme know!

When Evan gets home from dropping Connor off—or rather, dropping Connor off two miles from his house—Heidi is sitting there waiting for him. There’s flour on the couch, brownie crumbs all over the coffee table and rug. _Friday the 13th_ is playing the home screen on a loop. Heidi looks exhausted.

And yet, Evan can’t bring himself to care somehow. He thinks, maybe he should feel bad, but mainly he’s tired of tiptoeing around everyone else and their feelings. He just _wants_, and he wants to be able to want. Why can’t Heidi get that?

“What’s going on with you?” she says for the millionth time today. The sun hasn’t even set yet. Evan is so tired of all of this. “Why are you acting like this?”

And Evan loses it.

“Acting like what?” he bites out. “How do you even know what I act like? You’re never here. You don’t know anything about me. You never even see me.”

“I am trying my best,” Heidi all but whispers.

“I know it’s _so_ hard to believe, but just because I’m happy for the first time in my life doesn’t mean something’s _wrong_. Just because I’m not fucking miserable doesn’t mean something’s wrong. I don’t need to be fixed, contrary to what you believe.”

Heidi raises her eyebrows at the swear. “When have I _ever_ said that?”

“I have to go to therapy. I have to take drugs…”

“I’m your mother.” Third time tonight. “My job is to take care of you, Evan.”

“Oh, I know. I’m such a burden. I’m the worst thing that ever happened to you. I ruined your life!”

“You are the _only_ good thing that ever happened to me!” They stare at each other, only feet apart and yet it feels like miles. Evan feels like this great chasm has opened between them, one that may never be crossed or closed again.

“I’m sorry I can’t give you anything more than that,” she whispers, voice breaking.

He can’t deal with this right now.

“It’s not my fault that other people can.”

He walks away.

+++

He doesn’t see anyone all weekend.

Jared, Zoe, and Alana all text him increasingly concerned messages.

(Connor never does.)

+++

On Monday, he tells Jared that he’ll walk. Jared offers to pick him up anyway, but he says no and leaves his house extra early in case Jared doesn’t listen.

It’s cold out, but the bite of the weather helps keep Evan awake, helps him think.

He’s so tired, so unbelievably tired. Everyone is so happy all the time, and he’s trying his best to be happy right alongside them. He’s tried to be Connor’s boyfriend, tried to have friends, tried to be a good son. But no one was looking. And then when they did, it was too much. It’s all just too much. And it never ends.

He doesn’t go to his locker when he gets to school, instead heads straight for his college algebra class. His teacher looks up when he enters, but he doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even acknowledge him. He’s invisible, a loser that fades into the background, a waste of space that exists for no good goddamn reason.

He doesn’t cry, even as he feels like his world is tipping.

There are no tears left.

+++

He spent the last three months feeling like utter shit. Well, no, he’s spent the last almost 18 years feeling like utter shit. But he’s been exasperated for a while, feeling like he’s reaching his breaking point.

He feels like he did right before he climbed up that tree.

And now he’s pushing everyone away, shoving them as far from him as possible. He’s running from everything. He’s reaching the end and pushing through, pushing forward, because he cannot possibly stay how he is. Not anymore.

He really thought everything was going to be okay. Yeah, the last three months were tough, but he had Zoe and Alana and Jared and even Wesley. And Connor. He had Connor. And now Connor clearly wants nothing to do with him.

+++

He manages to avoid everyone for a full week. He doesn’t see or hear from Connor. He’s not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse.

It’s Jared who approaches him first. Catches him in the hallway after English, where he’s definitely ignored Zoe to the point that she’s now ignoring him back, fed up and occasionally huffing a sigh and glaring in his direction. He deserves it, all of it.

“Dude!” Jared grabs him as Evan tries to pass. “Whoa, hey, wait! I haven’t seen you in, like, a week and you’re just gonna pretend I don’t exist?”

“What do you care?” Evan bites out. He needs to go home. He needs to go home and lie down and put on some album that doesn’t remind him of anything or maybe some action movie or something and just not _think_. Not think about the fact that Zoe’s clearly pissed at him, that Alana keeps starting to walk up to him but he always darts away before she can get too close, that he hasn’t seen Connor for a full week and that’s probably the longest they’ve gone without seeing each other since this all started, that even Wesley is sending him texts every single day and telling him that if he needs anyone to talk to that Wes is always there and he’s always waiting and he’s so proud of Evan for all these bullshit reasons. It’s bullshit. It’s all fucking bullshit.

“What?” Jared asks, shaking his head, like he didn’t hear Evan correctly. Evan needs to go. _Now_.

“I mean, what do you even care? Why do you care about me?”

“Because you’re my friend, Evan.”

Evan laughs. “The only reason you hang out with me is so your moms pays your car insurance. You couldn’t give less of a shit about me, and we both know that. You don’t have any other friends, Jared.”

“What the hell, Evan?” Jared takes a step back. He’s losing confidence. “Of course I—”

“Did it ever occur to you that they’re all friends with _me_? Huh? That no one actually wanted to be _your_ friend, Jared. They wanted to be _mine_.”

Jared’s not crying—he’s not the type—but he looks shattered. However, the rage quickly overtakes him.

“Fuck you!” Jared’s shoving past Evan, their shoulders roughly knocking together. “Asshole!”

And he’s gone.

And Evan’s alone.

The way it should be.

+++

His dad had texted him some weeks ago, maybe a week or so after Thanksgiving. It was a picture of his wife’s baby bump. _Look how much he’s grown! _Mark had said, about his baby brother. Evan didn’t tell anyone. Not his mom, not his friends, not Connor. He told his dad how cool it was. He had seemed happy, and Evan didn’t want to ruin anything anymore.

He’s broken. A piece that will never be made whole. A toy that gets thrown out. A shirt that gets tossed back. Worthless. Disgusting. Nothing.

Mark didn’t care. His son didn’t turn out right the first time, so he tried again. This time he’d get it right, Evan’s sure of that. And he’d never have to worry about Evan ever again.

+++

He’s not sure he can actually work up the courage a second time. The idea swirls inside him, has been this entire time. He thinks that if he was alone he could do it. So he starts with Connor.

It hurts, because he loves Connor. He can admit that now: he’s totally in fucking love with Connor Murphy. But Connor deserves more. They both know it. Their friends know it. Their families know it. He’s been doing so good, so happy and warm and full of all this light. Evan always saw it, of course, but now everyone else is seeing it, too. _Connor_ is seeing it. Evan has to break it off, because what kind of monster would he be to drag Connor down to his level, especially after he just got out? What kind of boyfriend would he be? So, he decides, he’ll be no boyfriend at all.

It’s messier than Evan means it to be, and Connor takes some things to heart. He’ll be fine, though, Evan knows that. He’s always been the stronger of the two of them.

Next is Jared, his oldest and closest friend. He doesn’t mean for this to be messy either, but Jared’s up in his space being all caring and treating him like he’s worth something and he just kind of lashes out. He regrets it immediately, but he can’t apologize, can’t try to explain himself. He picks at Jared’s biggest insecurity and it hits straight home. Jared leaves him alone immediately.

(Wesley stops texting him after that, too.)

Zoe is third. This is easy because she’s already ignoring him, for the most part. She glares and huffs and scoffs and Evan feels his throat closing every time he’s in the near vicinity of her. He loves her, too, he’s come to realize. (He loves all of them, actually, but he tries not to think about that.) Leaving her will hurt immensely. She’ll recover after, Evan knows, just like his mom will. They’re similar in a lot of aspects: their drive, their caring and strong nature, the way they do no harm but take no shit. Evan totally loves her.

She’s stopped sitting next to him by now. She sits as far from him as possible. She doesn’t want anything to do with him. He hesitates writing her a note, telling her that he’s sorry and that he loves her and that if she could tell Connor how much he loves him, that he would really appreciate it.

But he doesn’t.

Alana is the last one. She doesn’t ask him about club stuff anymore, not like she did before. She doesn’t try to approach him in the hallways after Zoe stops sitting next to him. She doesn’t look at him. It’s easier this way.

Evan thinks the only person he’ll really hurt is his mom. She’ll blame herself, for sure. They’re all each other has. Evan would be selfish to do this.

But he’s never been selfless in the first place.

She’ll get over it. She’ll read self-help books, attend group counseling sessions, maybe find a boyfriend. She’ll work her way around it, get a great job at some law firm and make loads of money that she can spend on herself for a change. No more worrying about medication or therapy or shit for Evan. She can focus on herself. He can give that to her.

She’ll get over it. She has to.

+++

Evan doesn’t really have a plan. He thinks that maybe he should keep up with the dull “fell out of a tree” routine. Sure, someone might catch on the second time it happens, but this time he’ll go high enough, so high that he doesn’t have to deal with the repercussions. They’ll figure it out, yeah, but not until after he’s gone.

It’s better this way.

+++

It’s just past Valentine’s Day by the time Evan works up the courage to do something. He’s caught glimpses of Connor in the hallways at school, but never for long and he never allows himself to look for more than two seconds. Connor never looks in his direction anyway.

(He thinks of what they would be doing if he hadn’t ruined everything. Maybe they would’ve gone on a nice date for Valentine’s, just the two of them. They hadn’t done anything like that yet. Now they never will.)

He’s walking home from school, something that’s become a constant since the Big Blowout. He’s just thinking, about where he is now, about how he got here, about how the decision for him to leave this planet is so startlingly clear. He and his mom haven’t really spoken in weeks. He hasn’t seen his ex-friends in the same time. He has no idea how Connor is. He never got to finish looking at those baseball cards with Larry, after all this time.

There’s a terrible screeching sound, and the sound of something hard and big sliding against something icy and slick. Evan hasn’t even realized that he’s wandered into the middle of the road. The car doesn’t see him until the last second.

+++

It doesn’t hit him. Evan stumbles out of the way, slipping and falling onto the frozen asphalt. The car skids and slams to a stop, the driver leaning out the yelling profanities at Evan. He just blinks, lets them scream until they decide he isn’t worth it and pulls away. He sits there on his ass for a long while.

He was so close to death, just like he was with the tree. So close to it all being over. It could have been, had he just stood there. The car definitely would have hit him. But something in him… He got scared. He’s afraid to die.

The realization is alarming. Moreover, the realization how close to death he really was, has him frozen in fear. He starts to cry.

+++

He moves out of the street eventually, too afraid of being almost hit again. He walks home in shame and silence.

He waits for hours in the dark for his mother to come home. When she sees him, sitting on the couch in now almost-dry clothes, cheeks still a little pink, eyes wet, she drops to her knees in front of him.

“Evan, baby? What happened?”

Evan doesn’t even know where to start. He could tell her from the beginning, but he can’t break her heart. He refuses to.

“Talk to me, honey,” she says. And Evan just loses it. She holds onto him tightly as he cries. He has to tell her, he thinks, how could he not? She’s here and she’s waiting and he owes her some kind of explanation. He doesn’t get to be terrible to everyone, especially her, and then pretend like nothing happened. He can’t do that.

“I-I stopped taking my medication,” he admits quietly. She rubs his back in response. “A-and I just feel so—I’ve been feeling so…” He doesn’t know how to finish it. Heidi helps him, though.

“I didn’t know.” Evan glances up at her, unsure of what exactly she means. “I didn’t know you were hurting… How could I not know?” She’s talking mainly to herself at the end, but Evan shakes his head.

“Because I never told you.”

“You shouldn’t have had to.”

Maybe that’s true. Maybe if she’d be around more, she would have noticed. But Cynthia’s around all the time and she didn’t notice much of anything about Connor.

And, _oh_, Connor. Right.

“I lied. Or, I guess, omitted the truth. Connor, the guy you met, he’s not just my friend. He’s my boyfriend. Or was.”

“Oh, Ev—” Heidi starts, but Evan has to get this all out.

“And I’m bisexual. And I lied about last summer too, when I broke…” He’s not sure how to finish this. That’s apparently a new theme of his, another side effect, not knowing, being unsure. “I just felt so alone…”

“You can tell me.” Heidi squeezes his hand.

“I can’t. You’ll hate me. If you knew what I tried to do. What I almost did.”

“Evan, I love you. No matter what.”

  
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers. Heidi pulls him back into an embrace.

“And I knew about the whole Connor thing. And the bisexual thing, for that matter,” she lets him know.

“You… What?”

“Well, first of all, you told me multiple times that you wanted to marry Bryce Marson, you know, from elementary school? Like, too many times for it to not be a thing. And I’m very proud of you for telling me, I always knew you would, in your own time. As for Connor, you two aren’t subtle, Evan. I saw how you looked at each other. Why were you so afraid for me to meet him, anyway?”

“I… I don’t know.” And he doesn’t, that’s the truth. He was so consumed by his own mind that the idea of his two worlds crossing (the one with his mom where she’s wonderful but absent and Evan needs medication to fix every portion of himself, versus the one with Connor and his friends where they like who he is and they’re all so open and accepting and no one has any problems, or at least Evan doesn’t) made him want to crawl under his bed and hide. It still makes him anxious, even right now, but he’s getting sick of this. Of feeling like this. His misses his mom and his friends. He misses Connor.

“I like him,” she whispers. Evan feels like he might start crying again. “He’s really good to you.”

“You hardly know him,” he reminds her.

“A mother can just tell.”

He hangs on a little tighter to her.

“Do you remember when your dad came to get his things?” Evan stiffens. They don’t talk about his dad. Especially Heidi. “Right after he ‘temporarily’ moved out. You saw the U-Haul truck and you freaked out. A real live truck in your driveway. We put you behind the wheel and you wouldn’t let us take you out, not for anything. That night, though, when I tucked you into bed, you asked if another truck was coming to take Mommy away. And I realized then, that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, there would always be moments I missed and space I couldn’t fill. I knew I would come up short—and I did. And I do. And I will. But, I’ll tell you what I told you then, because the answer’s never changed: Your mom is staying right here. You’re stuck with me.”

She squeezes his hands, having pulled back to look at him now. She has a point: Mark left of his own volition. Heidi could’ve, could’ve decided she was sick of Evan and that he wasn’t worth her time. She could’ve left too. But she didn’t. No matter what, she’s still there. She’s always been there, trying to get him the help he needs, trying to encourage him to try his best, trying to be there mentally and emotionally with little notes and reminders, even when she couldn’t be there physically. She’s there. She’s not always the best at it, but she’s there. That’s got to count for something.

“Thank you,” Evan whispers, fresh tears spilling over.

He’s not sure what he’s thanking her for—there’s just so many things—but she wraps him back up in her arms and kisses his temple and tells him that she loves him and she always will and that she’s proud of him.

For once, he doesn’t feel guilty hearing those words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, okay, this one is heavy but with a happy ending. more or less.
> 
> okay, so some of the dialogue between heidi and evan (in both scenes) comes from/references the book/musical. so if it looks familiar, that's why. other that than, everything else should be my own!
> 
> there's a bunch of time shifts, as well as increasingly more swear words, to show that evan is losing pockets of time, that he's flipping between the past and the present because he's so caught up with what's happening and why it's happening. the swear words also show that he's not himself, that he's losing himself, too. i hope that comes across well.
> 
> the car almost hitting evan, and him realizing some shit because of it, is something that has almost happened to me before. once when i was real depressed, i almost got in a really bad car accident and it made me realize that i didn't want to die. that's what i wanted to do with evan. but, as y'all know i'm sure, just because he realizes this and talks to heidi about his feelings doesn't mean he's going to automatically get better. that's a journey in itself.
> 
> heidi knows everything, btw. she's the best mom ever and evan's just now realizing everything she really does for him. i know we didn't talk about her much in this fic, but she's so crucial for evan's development that i had to include her where i could.
> 
> and that's it for this chapter! i have now finished (i think) the fic and will be steadily uploading over the next couple days. there's only two more chapters btw (and the last one is hella long lmao)!
> 
> thank you all for commenting and liking and reading and all that jazz! it means the universe to me, i literally cannot tell you how much i freak out when i get a notification or refresh my browser. this has been a crazy journey, but i'll probably talk more about that in the last chapter. until then:
> 
> please, take care of yourselves. this chapter was very heavy and dark, and i know that a lot of people may be feeling this exact way, but, and i cannot say this enough, you are not alone. you are never alone. please, reach out to someone if you're hurting. i know it seems hard, but it can help. i love you all. <3


	14. fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s broken. He needs to be fixed or just fucking thrown away. He’s nothing, always has been and always will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, my name is whiry and i have no self-control.
> 
> any warnings i can think of: DARK thoughts, suicidal thoughts, connor's a jerk sometimes, i project my feelings, implied/referenced suicide attempt that is never actually carried out (but it gets real close), lots of swearing, and that's it i think.
> 
> this chapter is dark, like the last one. please take care of yourselves <3
> 
> as always, mistakes are my own. if anything's messy, lemme know!

It happens all at once. Connor skips one or two days of medication, says fuck it, and then flushes the rest of them in a fit of rage. His good mood has started to disappear permanently. When he’d gotten home after his and Evan’s breakup, or whatever the hell that was, he’d stormed to his room and slammed the door. Cynthia knocked for what felt like hours, but she finally gave up when he started blasting his music as loud as it could go. He didn’t come out for dinner. Didn’t come out when Zoe slipped a note under his door. Just threw it away, crawled into bed, and tried to pretend that he wasn’t feeling anything.

This continued throughout the weekend. On Monday, he came out in his pajamas and asked his mom if he could stay home. She barely had to look at him before she was agreeing. He didn’t go to school for three days, just wallowing in his room, occasionally getting sad enough that he started to sob, before he realized he had no fucking reason to be sad.

He doesn’t see Evan for a week and a half, after the break-up. Not until he catches a glimpse of him in the hallway at school, with bags under his eyes, looking the saddest and most dejected that Connor’s ever seen him. He feels his own sadness build up in his throat, like a sob that’s about to choke out of him. He turns around, quickly heads the other way.

From there, it’s just glimpses. He’s trying to distance himself from Jared and Alana and Wesley and even Zoe, as best he can. They practically let him pull away, so wrapped up in their own sadness from Evan leaving that they don’t notice their ranks are dropping rapidly in number.

It’s a Tuesday and he’s alone in his room, headphones in and dead to the world, when Zoe barges in. He doesn’t scold her, instead pretending like he can’t hear her.

She yanks his earbud out.

“What the hell?” he exclaims, sitting up in bed. Zoe raises an eyebrow.

“Where have you been? Why are you acting so distant recently?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“See, right there! You’re acting like Old-Connor, not New-Connor. Not the Connor that you are.”

“I can only be me, Zoe.”

She sighs, exasperated.

“You’re being a real jerk, Connor. I miss you. We all do.”

“Wow, that must really suck.”

  
Zoe’s face looks hurt, but she bites out, “You’re a real fucking asshole, you know that? I don’t even know why I bother.”

She slams his door on her way out, hard enough that Cynthia is calling up and asking questions. Hard enough that one of the newly framed photos he has—one from Hanukkah/Christmas where all his friends are smiling at the camera while he and Evan are smiling at each other—falls from its place on the bookshelf by the door and shatters. Connor stares at it, feeling the tears well up in his eyes.

But he just puts his headphone back in and lies down, losing himself in the music.

+++

He’s a monster, ugly and diseased and broken. His friends and family fear him, pity him, ignore him. He’s starting to get it, though, why so many people commit suicide. Death is easy, it must be, all dark and empty and nothing. It’s life that’s hard, the living and all that. How can one live and go on living pretending life is so simple? Pretending that they don’t ache with sorrow and pain when they get up in the mornings, if they get up in the mornings; that they don’t hate what they see in the mirror; that they aren’t content with who they are because who are they is despicable.

He’s broken. He needs to be fixed or just fucking thrown away. He’s nothing, always has been and always will be.

+++

It goes on until February. When Zoe stops talking to him, so do the others. He doesn’t even bother texting Alana to tell her he won’t tutor her anymore; he’s confident Zoe’s already said something. Him and Jared don’t talk, not really, so it’s not big deal. He doesn’t even fucking know Wesley.

So it’s fine, he’s fine.

His mom and dad stop talking to him, have given up all hope. He stops turning stuff in, stops getting those A’s that everyone wanted. He stops going to therapy, too, and Cynthia doesn’t even ask him about it.

His life completely stops and no one notices.

+++

He’s been getting lost in his own mind, stumbling over all these excuses and trying to make sense of everything. He’s cycling, keeps thinking of the same thing: would anyone even notice if he was gone? If he just fucking disappeared, would anyone care? He’s not special or remarkable or whatever. He’s a fucking loser—_a school shooter freak_—a nobody.

On the first day of school, and he’s hardly admitted this to himself, he was planning on killing himself. Everything had been building and building and building and there was no way out, no light, nothing. Then Evan apologized to him. And it was so inconsequential, and, yet, it meant so much. Someone _saw_ him and they cared, even if he was still afraid of Connor, he was still trying. That had changed him.

But then Evan turned out to be like everyone else, and now Connor’s alone again, with nobody and nothing to show for it. All the effort he’s put in for the last few months. Yeah, it’s been for himself, but it’s been _because of_ Evan. Because Evan saw him. Evan found him.

Connor thinks that he’s just wasted his time. And that, soon, he won’t have any time left to waste.

+++

He’s in the bathroom, looking for any kind of pills, when Zoe knocks on the bathroom door. He can tell it’s her. There’s a metal clinking noise from one of the rings she now wears, one of the ones Connor got her for Christmas, one that kind of matches his own. It had been cool at the time, something that would always link them. Now it’s just a cold, metal reminder of his loneliness, of him forcing himself onto others who don’t really want him.

He closes the cabinet and huffs, pulling the door open.

“What?” he demands. She glares. That’s become their thing again. The glaring, the hardly talking, the anger. It’s comfortable and familiar; they’re good at it. They never were going to be happy in the first place.

“We need to talk,” she responds.

“Okay, well, can we do that later?” Not that there will be a later, of course, but Zoe doesn’t need to know that. He, lamely, wonders if she’d cry at his funeral. He decides that no, she probably wouldn’t.

“No, right now, Connor.” She crosses her arms over her chest, straightening to her full height, which is still only, like, nine inches shorter than Connor. “You’ve been acting like a total tool, and so has Evan for that matter, and we’re all sick of it.”

“Good for you.” Evan brushes past her to head to his room. Maybe he’ll just find some fucking scissors or something. He feels a little guilty about leaving a mess, but then maybe he’ll do it at a park or anywhere other than the house. Call the police just before, too, so no pedestrian has to find him, has to carry that burden.

Zoe sighs, frustrated, but continues on. “I don’t know what happened between you and Evan, but this is getting ridiculous. You’re not you. You’re not happy. Let us help.”

Connor laughs, but it sounds hollow even to his ears. “_You_ want to _help_? Oh, that’s rich. After all this fucking time, now you want to help.”

Zoe steps back like he’s slapped her. “Connor, I—”

“You’ve never given a shit about me. I know that, Zoe. You’re just like everyone else! You think it’d be better if I was just fucking gone!”

Zoe’s eyes widen, but she stands her ground. “I never fucking said that. Not once. Yeah, we haven’t always gotten along in the past, and you haven’t always been a good brother, but I’ve been a shit sister too. And, despite everything, despite everything you did to me, I never once wanted you gone, Connor. You’re my fucking brother. I love you. I know we don’t say it because of whatever bullshit reason, but you’re my _brother_ and I _love_ you.”

Connor thinks he might start crying if he has to listen to this. It’s lies, he knows, just her trying to be polite or stop him from doing something heinous. He’s kind of already revealed his cards to her.

“Don’t worry about me, Zoe. You don’t ever have to worry about me.”

“Don’t you dare fucking talk like that.” She reaches out and grabs his hand, holding on tightly. It’s painful, but it grounds him, surprisingly. “Don’t you ever say something like that to me again. I know you feel like you’re alone or like nobody hears you or whatever, but you’re not, okay? I hear you. I’m _here_ for you.”

“You’re just Evan’s friend,” he spits. He’s losing topics, losing his mind.

“Sure, but I’m your sister first. Besides, you’re my best friend.” Connor looks up at her. She’s crying. “You’re my best fucking friend. I’m always here for you, Connor. No matter what. When it gets all dark and you think you’re alone, I’ll be there. I’ll carry you. You’re never alone.”

Connor starts sobbing. It feels like everything just crashes over him in waves, like that one time they went to California when he was a toddler and he got pulled under with the current. It keeps coming and coming and coming.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out. For what, the reasons are endless. For being a shit brother, for being a total loser, for being an asshole, for ignoring her, for teasing her, for yelling at her, for burdening her, for everything. He’s just… Sorry.

  
But he doesn’t even have to say that all. Zoe hears it anyway.

He sinks to his knees. Zoe follows him down, throws her arms around him and squeezes. That’s how Cynthia finds them an hour later when she returns from grocery shopping. She just sets down the groceries and throws her arms around the two of them, holding on as tight as she can to her sobbing children.

+++

It doesn’t just get better, because it’s not like that. But it starts to get easier again.

Zoe and him walk together again, and she chats about anything she can think of. He tells Cynthia about the medication and she helps him get started, starts scheduling appointments again. His dad pats him on the shoulder and squeezes a little. It’s his way of speaking, of saying, _I love you and I’m proud of you, even when you’re not proud of yourself_. Or at least that’s how Connor’s choosing to interpret it.

Alana bounces up to him in English and chats happily about how, with the aid of Connor’s tutoring, she’s starting to understand some of the more complex themes of the English language. He offers to tutor her again, and he doesn’t really mean to, but it just spills out, and she looks pleased, so he keeps to his offer.

Jared punches his arm when they pass in the hallway. He jokes about Connor’s hair and his nail polish, things that Connor’s not insecure about, because that’s always been their safe way of bullying each other. Connor makes fun of his glasses in return. Jared beams.

Wesley brings to school with him his entire box set of Lord of the Rings, demanding Connor watches it immediately. He and Zoe start watching it that night after school. She falls asleep, but Connor discovers that he loves everything about it.

Zoe explains to him later that she thought they were doing the right thing by giving him space. He doesn’t tell her that he thought he lost everything, mainly because the guilt weighs heavy in her words and he doesn’t want her to torture herself anymore. He just hugs her and thanks her for trying to respect his boundaries, even if it didn’t really work out. She sobs and laughs, punching his shoulder in response.

It’s enough.

+++

Valentine’s Day comes and goes. The others try to invite him out, but he refuses. They still don’t know what happened between him and Evan. He doesn’t even know how to tell them without breaking apart himself.

It’s a couple days after when he starts to really feel the effect of not taking his pills. Those days are harder. He spends a lot of them crying or throwing things. But everyone is patient with him, like mind-numbingly patient, just kind and waiting and offering him encouraging words wherever he might need them.

(It makes him think of Evan, how he was always patient, always waiting. How Connor definitely loved him. Still does, actually. And that’s probably the saddest part of this whole thing.)

But he keeps up with the medication, spends most of his days in a haze, trying his best to make it to the next one.

Ending it all remains an appealing option. Connor’s not sure the option will ever not be appealing, but everyday he makes it out, he’s that much closer to feeling okay again.

That’s how he gets through it, really.

Just one more day.

He keeps going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, i project way too much onto these characters, boy howdy.
> 
> i honestly don't know what to say (for once). connor is not doing okay. he has some really dark and negative and ugly thoughts and he almost does something really bad because of them. i wanted connor's finally chapter to be realistic, yet encompass hope. because the hard truth is that the pain doesn't go away, but it does get easier. eventually the beast inside lessens to a small spark. some days, it roars. others, it whispers. i wanted to give connor the chance to be happy, while also acknowledging that it will take time and hard work, as does most important things in life.
> 
> and we get the connor/zoe apology that i was really craving and trying to perfect. it's not perfect, but it needed to happen and i'm not entirely sure there was a better way for it to have gone. it was important to me that connor apologized as well, not just zoe. and he can't say everything right now, but zoe understands that. their relationship and their bond is so incredibly special to me, so i wanted to dump my emotions onto you. sorry, but also not sorry.
> 
> and i kind of ignore wesley. he's not apart of the main five so i literally just made him jared's boyfriend and then forgot about him. i am kind of sorry about that. he's probably a cool character, if i had developed him a bit more.
> 
> (also, i'd say sorry that this end note is so short but brevity is probably for the best lmao)
> 
> and that's (almost) it! thank you all for commenting and liking and reading and all that fun stuff! it really does mean the universe to me, and i don't know where i'd be without all the support.
> 
> as always, please please please take care of yourselves. i love you all <3


	15. fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now he’s gotta keep going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it. i just wanna say that writing this has been one of the best experiences of my life and i am so grateful that i get to share it with all of you. i hope someone may find solace in these words, the way i did. thank you all for everything. i love you.
> 
> any warnings i can think of: dark thoughts, implied/referenced almost suicide attempt (but it's a blink-and-you'll-miss-it kind of moment), literally so many apologies, connor jumps to conclusions, confessions, and i think that's it?
> 
> (also, i'm just going to say this in the beginning, the dialogue between jared and evan, evan and zoe, evan and cynthia, and evan and connor all contain tiny--and really, there's not that much (except maybe in the evan/cynthia conversation)--bits of the musical/book, so if you're reading it and it sounds familiar, that's why (and some of them are harder to spot than others))
> 
> as always, mistakes are terribly my own. if anything's up, lemme know! <3

Evan doesn’t even know where to start.

He’s messed up, big time. He’s spiraled out of control and he’s clueless about where to go. His talk with his mom was a cruel necessity. He had to tell someone, he couldn’t keep going without saying something. He almost _didn’t_ keep going. It was purely his instincts that pushed him forward, out of the path of that car. But it was him. He did it. He pulled himself out all on his own.

Now he’s gotta keep going.

He thinks he should start at the beginning. Just like the conversation with his mom. And the beginning is the hardest part.

+++

He goes directly to Jared’s house, walks there Thursday after school. He hesitates to knock on the door, but at last gives up when he realizes how stupid he’s being. He can’t wait anymore, can’t wait for anyone to pick him up, to come find him. It’s time he starts doing things for himself. Time he takes responsibility for his actions.

Christine answers, and he can see in her smile that she knows what’s happened between him and Jared. But she invites him in.

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” she says. He nods, playing with his gloves. He thinks maybe this way he won’t have to talk to her so much.

“Uh, yeah,” is all he can muster. She nods, gesturing toward the couch.

“Do you want tea?”

“Okay.”

She disappears into the kitchen to make tea, and he sits on the living room couch. The last time he was here was New Year’s Eve, and he was standing in front of Connor Murphy, kissing him and hugging him and laughing with him. It all feels like a distant memory, too distant, and the bile in his throat rises.

As Christine’s coming back in, the front door opens. Jared walks in, snickering as he texts on his phone. Evan straightens. He sees Christine shift uncomfortably out of the corner of his eye.

Then Jared looks up. His face drops, first looking at Evan before glancing over at his mom, the betrayal clear on his face. Evan thinks he might really throw up this time.

“What the fuck?” He demands. Christine sets the tea in front of Evan on the coffee table and clasps her hands together.

“I figured you two could chat,” she says, not even admonishing Jared for his language. “I thought you needed it.”

“That’s not your place,” Jared bites out.

“Watch your tone,” Christine warns. Jared bites his tongue, jaw clenching. “Talk to him.”

She leaves, heading off toward the den, and it’s just Evan and Jared. Evan reaches out to take the tea, just to have something to do with his hands, while Jared starts dropping his stuff off by the front door. He finally moves over to the armchair and takes a seat. It’s the furthest position from Evan in the entire room, other than standing.

_I deserve this_, Evan thinks. _No matter what he says or what he thinks, I deserve it all_.

“So,” Jared starts, still giving him the time of day after everything.

“I’m sorry,” Evan blurts out. It starts to roll out of him. “I’m sorry for everything. I know I was a dick—that I am a dick—but I’m trying not to be. That’s no excuse, I know, but I didn’t mean any of what I said. That was downright cruel and awful and even if I was feeling like shit, I had no right to take it out on you. I will never forgive myself for that, Jared, seriously. You’re my best friend, you always have been, and I’ve been a—a fucking dick!”

“Hey, whoa!” Jared laughs at the end of Evan’s tirade. But he sighs and nods. “You are a fucking dick,” he agrees, “but… I haven’t always been the greatest either.”

“That doesn’t mean what I said was okay.”

“It wasn’t. It was a shit thing to say.” He goes quiet, tapping lightly on his knees. “How about a game? Mario Kart?”

He moves to start setting everything up. Evan just watches him.

“Jared, I’m—”

“Forget about it,” he responds, not even looking at Evan. Evan’s confident that it’s not over yet, that he’ll have a lot to do in order to make up for it all, but, for now, he can pretend it’s okay. He can pretend his apology was enough.

“Thanks,” Evan murmurs. Jared doesn’t acknowledge it, but Evan knows he heard him.

+++

He knows he should go to Connor next, try to talk to him. But he’s a coward, so he opts for an easy out. Or, an easier out.

He walks to the bookstore on Friday night, trying to rehearse what he could possibly say to Zoe. There wasn’t even a “falling out” with her, more like they started aggressively ignoring each other until they just ignored each other completely. He knows she’s pissed, as she should be, but he has no idea what’s going to happen.

The bookstore’s crowded today, or more so than usual, at least. There’s couples and singles and families and Sergei, who raises an eyebrow at Evan’s presence but says nothing. But no Zoe. Not down here, anyway.

Evan pushes through the throngs of people, heading toward the back staircase. He heads up, each step ringing out a funeral march. Zoe sits in the armchair up top, a book open in her lap, but her eyes are glazed over and unfocused. She hasn’t noticed him yet.

He steps closer and she suddenly looks up. The expression on her face morphs into anger, before dissipating and relaxing. She gestures to the empty chair next to her. He takes it, scared of what her lack of anger means.

“I was expecting you,” she tells him. “Well, not so soon, but I knew you’d come eventually. That’s just who you are.”

“I didn’t know what to say,” he admits. “I didn’t know how to start this, if I came here. _When_ I came here, I guess. I still don’t know.”

“It’s okay to not know, sometimes.”

“Why are you doing that? Being nice? It’s not like I deserve it. Not after what I’ve done.”

“Maybe not,” Zoe amends. “But you’re not some monster, you know, just because you did some monstrous things.”

Evan laughs. It’s his new empty laugh, the one that apparently scares people. “So he told you?”

“Connor? No. He won’t talk about it. But I’m not an idiot, and he was doing so good, and then he wasn’t. And neither are you—doing good, that is. Obviously something went wrong, and knowing you two knuckleheads, you probably were both horribly rude to each other.”

It’s close enough to the truth that he doesn’t correct her.

“I shouldn’t have said what I said,” he says quietly. He means both Jared and Connor, but she probably knows only about Jared. Zoe hums anyway.

“Probably not, but you did.”

“I shouldn’t have ignored you either.”

“But you did that too.”

“I’m so fucking sorry.”

Zoe meets his eyes. The swearing thing is new, he knows, but he doesn’t know how better to express himself. Maybe that’s a bit of Connor that’s left over, part of himself that’s left with Evan. And Evan will protect that little bit with his life.

“Evan—”

“All of it, everything I did. Everything I’ve been. It’s not okay. There’s no excuse, no explanation for who I was trying to be. I did it, even though I shouldn’t have, and I hurt people in the process. And I’m so sorry that I did it in the first place, that I hurt you all. I should’ve said something, I should’ve just spoken up when it first started going bad. But I didn’t. I’ll regret that always.”

“You hold onto too much,” Zoe says, shaking her head. She’s not mad, he thinks, not in the way he expected her to be. Not at all, maybe.

“What?”

“You internalize everything, and hang onto it. It’s not always as dramatic as you think it is, Evan.”

“But I—”

“You fucked up. Whatever. We all fuck up all the time. What matters is that you apologize and you own it. Embrace your fucked-up-ness. It’s the only way you’re gonna make it through.”

“Y-you sound like you’re speaking from personal experience.”

“None of us are okay,” she says cryptically. Then she shrugs. “But we’re also not alone, you know? Connor and I were just talking about this, actually, not too long ago. It sucks and you feel like you’re all by yourself and like no one can hear you or knows that you’re there, but that’s not true. No matter what, someone will always be there. Someone will always care, someone will always come running. No matter what, you will be found.”

Evan has to brush the tears that are rushing from his eyes away. Zoe, beautiful and kind and total ball of sunshine _Zoe_, is sitting there, three feet from Evan, carrying all this wisdom, bearing all these burdens, like the combined weight doesn’t break her back. If anything, she merely smiles softly at him and pats his knee.

“I don’t deserve this,” Evan manages. Zoe shrugs again.

“Maybe not. But that’s probably not for us to decide, is it?” She leans back in her chair, opening up the book in her lap that had somehow fallen closed. “Now, stop wasting your time trying to apologize to me, and go get Connor back, yeah? I’m sick of his emo ass.”

Evan laughs, and it’s a real one this time.

+++

He stills feels too scared to go to Connor, so he tries Alana next. He corners her at the beginning of lunch on Monday. He hasn’t been hanging around with them at lunch, not since every that happened, instead opting to eat either in the hallway by his locker or the library. But now the librarian’s giving him weird looks and he realizes that he’s probably not supposed to have food in there to begin with.

Alana’s getting something out of her locker as Evan is on his way to the library, lunch tray in hand. He hurries over to her in order to catch her before she leaves.

“Alana!” She turns, glowers when she sees him. She shuts her locker harshly and moves to pass him, but Evan grabs her arm, balancing the tray with his other hand. “Wait, please!” She raises an eyebrow and he removes his hand immediately, but she stays in place. “Can we talk?”

“I have to go have lunch with my _friends_,” she informs him, crossing her arms over her chest. Evan nods.

“No, I get that. I just… I wanted to say I’m sorry.” When Alana doesn’t say anything, he continues. “I was an asshole, and there’s a million excuses as to why I was being so horrible, but they don’t even matter because I did what I did and that’s my fault. And I’m sorry, especially sorry that I hurt you.”

Alana huffs, looking down the hallway. “You were being really mean,” she admits softly. It doesn’t sound like the typical confident Alana, but they both know that’s a farce. “And I didn’t even know if it was my fault or if I did something wrong because _you wouldn’t talk to me_.”

“I know, and that was really horrible of me.”

“It was,” Alana agrees quickly.

“And there’s absolutely no excuse for it. And I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I was being selfish and that wasn’t fair to you, or anyone, for that matter.”

Alana stares him now. “What happened to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you were being your normal self, and then you got all bad, and then you got better, and then you got bad again, and now you’re doing better. Are you still taking your medication?” She knows about the meds. All his friends do. Just like they know about Connor’s.

“I wasn’t for a while,” he admits. It feels good, telling the truth. He doesn’t have to worry about the build-up, the explosion for when his lies inevitably blow up. “But I am now. Still, I never should’ve taken my problems out on you. Or anyone.”

Alana nods, biting her lip. “It’s cool of you to apologize.” Evan thinks it’s only the human thing to do, but maybe people step all over Alana without apologizing to her all the time. Evan doesn’t ever want to be that kind of guy. “Thanks.”

“I’m sorry I had to apologize,” he says earnestly. Alana laughs, sniffling a little after.

“Okay, you can stop apologizing now.”

“I’m so—” It just starts to come out, but he cuts himself off before it continues. Alana starts laughing and he joins in, some of the weight lifting off his chest.

“Okay, well, I’m gonna go to lunch now.” She starts to turn toward the cafeteria and then points, silently inviting Evan. He shakes his head. Connor wouldn’t want him there. It would just make everything awkward.

“Thanks, but I can’t.”

Alana nods in understanding. “You should talk to him, you know. I don’t know what happened between you guys, but it really messed him up. And, funnily enough, I keep thinking that the one person who would know how to fix this situation would be, well, you.”

Evan feels his heart in his throat. It’s a hard pill to swallow. “Oh.”

“He’d really love it, Evan. You mean the world to him.”

“Meant,” he tries to correct.

“_Mean_, you big dummy,” she says, giving him the weakest of shoulder punches he’s ever had. Then she waves and heads off toward the cafeteria. Evan watches her go, feeling a little bit better, and like he has the beginning of a game plan.

+++

February ends a few days later, and March begins, and suddenly Evan’s birthday is in a couple days and he still has no idea what he’s going to do to talk to Connor, to try to fix this mess that he’s made.

It’s not until Saturday the 3rd, his birthday, that he decides to listen to Zoe’s advice and just go for it. Embrace it.

He walks to the Murphys' house in the early morning. It’s still cold, the tail end of winter, but the ice is starting to thaw. He really only needs a warm jacket and that’s it. He likes the weather like this. Better in the spring, summer, and fall, yeah, but this is fine too.

He knocks on the door and waits for some kind of response. It’s easier to just sneak attack, appear out of nowhere and try to coerce Connor to listening to him. His goal isn’t for Connor to forgive him—because he’s not sure that’s possible—but rather to get him to just listen. If he could listen, that would be more than Evan’s expecting.

Larry, of all people, opens the door. He’s wearing plaid flannel pajama pants and a old college T-shirt. Sleep-rumpled is the word that comes to Evan’s mind. He raises an eyebrow at Evan, surprised to see him standing on his front porch.

“Evan,” he greets, opening the door a bit more. He doesn’t offer him to come inside, but he doesn’t look downright murderous. “This is a surprise.”

“I’m sorry to bother you at home, but I really need to speak to Connor. If he’s available, that is.”

Larry hums. “He’s at the store with his mother and sister. They’ll be back soon, though.”

“Ah, okay.” Evan turns to make himself scarce on the front lawn or something, but then Larry opens up the door completely.

“Well, are you gonna wait out in the cold or what?”

Evan takes the out, slinking inside past Larry.

He lets Evan wait in the living room, offers him coffee or water, but Evan feels like if he puts anything in his stomach, he might throw up.

It’s only fifteen minutes before the front door opens again, but Evan’s practically bit all his nails to stubs in that time. Zoe spots him first, offering him a smile and a thumbs-up as she passes him to head toward the kitchen. He holds onto it.

Cynthia then sees him. She looks torn, but chooses to smile.

“Oh, Evan,” she’s saying, and then Connor looks up.

And…

He looks good. Really good, actually. His hair is hanging in loose barely-there curls around his shoulders, torso wrapped in a burgundy hoodie that Evan’s never seen before, a small smile on his lips that’s slowly fading as he stares at Evan. It’s been almost two months. They’ve never gone without speaking that long.

Then Connor’s eyebrows are pulling together and he’s glaring and he stalks past Evan upstairs, not saying a word. Evan doesn’t watch him go; it’ll just hurt too much.

“You know,” Cynthia is saying from in front of him. He doesn’t know when he started looking at his shoes, but hers appear suddenly before him, greeting him like an old friend, or, rather, a child who lost his way. “He likes jokes.”

“Huh?” Evan’s voice is but a whisper. Zoe’s come back, holding a water bottle, and stands beside her mom, nodding emphatically.

“Oh, yeah, loves ’em,” she offers. Cynthia nods now.

“Why did the chicken cross the road? He had a million different answers to that one. One day he said to me, Mom, why did the duck cross the road? Because he wanted to prove he wasn’t chicken.” She snorts, eyes welling up with unshed tears. She looks wistful, longing after the boy he used to be. But then she straightens and smiles. “But he still loves them. _A lot_.”

Evan’s not sure why she’s told him, but he thinks he knows what she’s trying to say underneath. “Thank you, Mrs. Mur—” She raises an eyebrow “—Cynthia, I mean. Thank you.”

“Of course, honey.” She pats him on the shoulder and heads deeper into the house. Zoe punches his arm as she passes, finding a spot on the couch.

“Go get him, tiger,” she chirps. He huffs a laugh, but heads toward the staircase.

Connor’s bedroom is the last one at the end of the hallway, furthest from the stairs. The door is open. Evan thinks it’s an invitation, but he can’t be too sure.

Connor is sitting on his bed, picking at his nails. His hands are partially obscured by the new sweater, but his fingernails are still black, rings still on his fingers where they’ve always been. And Connor’s room… It looks the exact same. Much cleaner, with clothes out of sight and books lined up in bookshelves that aren’t actually overflowing (and Evan spots a third bookshelf by the window, half full, the leftovers from the other two) and the carpet has lines in it, like it’s been freshly vacuumed. And Evan’s been in this room maybe dozens of times, probably hundreds, and it’s still the same, and yet entirely different.

(Evan thinks maybe that’s how Connor is, too. That’s how he is, after all: the same, but different, all at once.)

Evan knocks on the door frame, not confident enough to just walk in. Connor doesn’t even lift his head. He already knows who it is.

“Can I come in?”

Connor still says nothing, but he glances rather pointedly at the desk chair, so Evan crosses the room to take it. They sit in silence for a few minutes while Evan works up the courage to speak.

“H-how are you?” He ends up asking lamely. He doesn’t deserve to know how Connor is, not after all he’s done.

Connor snorts, though. “That’s what you’re going to ask me?”

His voice sounds deeper, but maybe it’s just been so long since Evan’s heard it.

“I guess not…” Evan looks at his hands, hoping they’ll pull something out of thin-air. They don’t.

“I’m fine,” Connor says after a moment. “Good, actually. I’m taking my meds and seeing this therapist and… I’m good.” Evan nods.

He doesn’t ask how Evan is. He probably doesn’t care.

“I don’t know how to say this,” Evan admits, after a long silence. Connor quirks an eyebrow, but says nothing. “I guess, firstly—I’m sorry. That’s what I mean. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I said what I said, that I was cruel to you and that I ignored you. That I was a terrible friend and a worse boyfriend and I didn’t even know how to tell you that I was hurting and I just took it out on you and that’s so not okay, what I did was not okay, and I never should have done it, I never should have let it get there, but I just—”

“Evan, Jesus Christ,” Connor says. His name is like a prayer on Connor’s lips, but tries to remain focused. Connor shakes his head, laughing a little. Evan’s pretty sure it’s not because anything’s funny, but more of a disbelieving laugh. “Just… Hold on a second.”

So he waits until Connor is ready. The worst thing he could do, when Connor is giving him this chance, is to try to rush Connor. Well, probably not the worst, but still.

“Okay, so,” Connor starts, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You… You weren’t doing good, yeah? And you never thought to tell me? Not once? How long were you bad?”

Evan doesn’t even have to think. He knows it like he knows that he still loves Connor, after all this time.

“November.”

“Jesus Christ, Evan.”

“I didn’t want to burden you. I didn’t want you to worry about my problems on top of your own, you had so much going on. I just couldn’t add to that, I couldn’t even—it wasn’t even a possibility. I couldn’t do that to you.”

“We were dating, Evan,” Connor says, standing up. The “_were”_ hurts, but they definitely haven’t been dating these past two months, so he understands it. After everything, he wouldn’t have wanted to date himself either. “You could have told me! That’s what _boyfriends do_. That’s what _friends _do.”

“I know, I know, I should’ve, I know—”

“I wanted to be there for you! I asked you, after that panic attack at my house, do you remember that? I asked you if it was about us and you said no.”

“Because it wasn’t!” Evan stands up now too.

“Oh, so it was just a coincidence that you started having problems after we started dating? Are you sure it wasn’t because of me? Because you never wanted to be with me in the first place—”

“Connor, what are you even talking about?”

“—because you never even liked me! Maybe it was just a fucking farce, this whole thing! You never liked me, you just went along with it the whole time, isn’t that it? You thought—”

“I _loved_ you!” Evan shouts. He doesn’t mean to, and he regrets it immediately, but the words are out and Connor is staring at him in shock.

“L-loved?” he chokes out.

Evan feels like he might cry, waves a hand around to dissuade the question.

“Love, whatever,” he says, sniffling.

“You—_still_?” It’s a whisper.

“Always.”

It’s a hefty word, always. Something not to be thrown around lightly. Something with weight and meaning. Something with intention and a future. It’s a promise, is what it is.

Connor staggers back at the word. Evan didn’t realize how close they’d gotten, only a few feet apart now. The house is deadly still. Evan wonders if the rest of the Murphys heard. They must’ve.

“I didn’t—oh, wow.”

“Yeah.”

It breaks Evan’s heart, because he knows that Connor doesn’t feel the same, that he’s repulsed by the admission. He never felt that way about Evan, no way, never once thought about how incredible he is, how he could see them making it out of high school, how he could see them having a future together, like Evan did with Connor. Evan’s crushed, because he’s standing here and all his secrets that he’s had and tried to protect are being laid bare and he can’t do anything, there’s nothing he can say to make this better, nothing to put his secrets away and hide them and pretend they don’t exist and Connor doesn’t love him and he never did and that’s too much for him to even consider thinking about right now—

“Me too,” Connor whispers.

“What?” There’s a couple anxious tears still spilling from Evan’s eyes, but Connor hasn’t seen them yet. He’s staring at his boots.

“I love you too.”

“You l—love? Present tense?”

Connor laughs. This one is cheerful, in good-humor. Like Evan’s being funny right now.

“Yeah. Present tense.”

They stare at each other now, and Evan thinks belatedly what a pair they must make: Connor looking all too angsty and broody, only to be grinning like a loon and staring at Evan, and Evan, looking put-together and well-maintained with fresh tear tracks on his cheeks, only to be breaking apart at the revelation that there’s someone out there that loves him. No, better. _Connor_ loves him. Connor loves _him_. Connor _loves_ him.

He starts laughing, at the absurdity of it all—and all this happening on his birthday of all days!—and Connor joins in.

When they’ve calmed down, Evan clears his throat and swallows the last of his pride. If he’s laying all his cards out, he’s gotta really be honest.

“I _am_ sorry, Connor. I _never_ should have said that to you, and I should have told you how I was feeling. I was so scared of you leaving me, of my _friend_ leaving me, that I didn’t think about how any of my actions affected my _boyfriend_. I thought that if you saw me, _really_ saw me, that you would hate me, too. I wanted to be the perfect boyfriend for you, the perfect friend that everyone could turn to, so much so that I started to lose myself. B-but I’m working on that all now. I know it’s no consolation, and you do not ever have to forgive me, and that I really sucked, but I had to apologize. I had to tell you that it was not your fault, it was _never_ your fault. If anything, you were the best part of my life for those few months. Well, probably the best part of my life ever. And I had to tell you that I… I loved you. I still do, and I always will. Oh, and I, uh, told my mom about us. She said she likes you, that you’re good to me.”

Connor has tears in his eyes. He’s always been a closeted softie.

Saying _I love you_ is hard the second time, but necessary. Connor deserves to know, that he’s worthy of love, that someone will love him no matter what he does.

“Thank you,” Connor whispers, rapidly approaching Evan’s space. But Evan’s not scared, not like he was the very first time this happened, back in the school hallway. Because now he knows what’s coming.

Connor captures his face in his hands and pulls him into a strong kiss. It’s like everything they do: full of passion and fervor, adoration and admiration, longing and love.

Evan starts crying half-way through. Connor pulls back to look at him.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, all serious. Evan laughs.

“Nothing, I’m just really happy.”

Connor must realize he’s telling the truth—for once—and pulls him back in, a small smile on his face.

“_Me too_,” he murmurs against Evan’s lips.

+++

When Connor’s walking Evan out later that afternoon, Zoe tackles the two of them in a hug, laughing with relief.

“I honestly wasn’t sure if you were going to make up,” she admits, pulling away to look at the both of them. “You’re both such knuckleheads; I was confident one of you would screw something up.”

“Wow, thanks, Zo,” Connor says dryly, pushing past her. She rolls her eyes fondly at him, but grins at Evan, squeezing his arm.

“I knew you could do it,” she says. “I’m so proud of you, Evan.”

He tries not to cry for the umpteenth time today, just takes her hand and squeezes it in return, words failing him at the moment. Zoe understands and kisses his cheek, giving him one last hug before she heads upstairs.

“Oh, and happy birthday, Evan!” She calls loudly. He shakes his head at her and tries to hurry to the door, where Connor’s waiting.

“Birthday?” he asks. Evan internally groans.

“It’s no big—”

“It’s your birthday? And you didn’t tell me?” Connor puts a hand to his chest, fake hurt, the corners of his mouth pulled up and giving him away. Evan snorts, pushing past him. The movements still feel hesitant and stiff—because he’s not quite confident in them, not sure he should be doing them just quite yet—but he knows that they’ll get better in time.

“It’s really no big deal,” he protests, once they’re outside.

“You’re older than me, though,” Connor pouts. Evan laughs.

Connor drives him home, filling him in on everything he’s missed. There’s too much for the one car ride, but they have forever.

It’s when Evan is standing at the front door to his house, and Connor insisted that he walk him all the way up to the steps, that Connor says something that gives Evan pause.

“You’re different now,” he notes. Evan tilts his head.

“What do you mean?”

“You’re… The way you speak, for starters. And you’re telling me things, being honest. You’re just… Different now.”

“The me I am is not the me I was,” Evan says. “I guess I realized that… All I have is myself, and that’s all I’ll ever have. No point in fighting it. I’m learning to embrace that.”

“That’s really mature of you,” Connor says, lacing their fingers together.

“Thanks.”

“Eighteen’s proving to be a fruitful year already.”

“Oh, shut up.” Evan shoves at Connor the best he can with their fingers still entwined, causing both of them to laugh when they stumble in tandem.

“I should go,” Connor says, when the laughter dies down. Evan nods.

“Yeah, okay.”

Connor kisses him again, and it feels like he’s pouring all of his being into that one kiss, like his whole soul belongs to Evan. Evan decides he likes that feeling.

Connor’s walking back to the car, and Evan’s watching him go, when he turns back and calls, “Hey, Evan?”

“Yeah?”

“Happy birthday.”

Evan laughs as Connor grins. He turns back around to keep walking to the car, but something suddenly springs forward from Evan’s memory.

“Connor!”

He turns around again, to face Evan, still smiling.

“Yeah?”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Connor freezes for a long time, and Evan thinks maybe he’s touched a nerve or something by asking—maybe Cynthia was wrong—before he’s running back up to Evan and pulling him into a strong kiss.

Evan laughs against his lips and he feels the beginnings of being made whole.

+++

Things don’t go back to the way they were. That’s not possible. But they start to get better.

Evan rejoins their friend group, but he still feels like a traitor and openly admits to them that he feels like he can’t spend that much time with them, that he knows that they’ve all made up, but it still doesn’t feel right. They tell him to work on it, that they love him and that they’re here for him, and that maybe someday it’ll feel better.

He and Connor start dating again, but not right away. It’s another two weeks before Evan asks Connor out, stuttering like he did when they first met, and Connor just laughs and kisses him deeply. He knew Connor wasn’t going to reject him, considering they love each other and whatnot, but the sentiment is appreciated.

He and Connor try to take schoolwork more seriously and he starts writing more frequently, finding a new purpose to keep going. He keeps taking his medication—his friends and Connor and his mother don’t let him skip a single day—and sees Dr. Sherman every week, bringing him whatever he’s written—the rawest form of himself.

He and Heidi see each other when they can, but with their busy schedules, it’s not as often as they’d like. She talks about taking a gap next semester. He counters with taking a gap year after he graduates. They both decide it’s what’s best for them.

He’s not cured. Even with everything good going on, even with taking his medication and seeing his therapist, even with having a great boyfriend and amazing friends, even with having a supportive mom. None of that equals a cure, and there probably will never be one. But each day is a little easier with the people he loves by his side.

He writes a book. A little one, but it’s still a book. It talks about anxiety and depression and finding yourself. He writes for who he used to be, for who he is. He writes for the kid who climbs the tree, so that they may know that no matter how wonderful the world looks from up above, life is better on the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. i'm not even sure where to start. this entire thing has been so cathartic and necessary for me to write and i know i already said this but i am really grateful that i got to share it with you all. it has been a journey, but of the best kind. i sincerely hope you have enjoyed it, the way i have.
> 
> the jared apology wasn't very long because in the book, jared kind of brushes off evan's apology, and i wanted to stay true to that. it didn't feel like there was more needed, you know? like the boys just understood each other and once evan apologized, all was virtually forgiven.
> 
> the zoe apology was one of my favorites, because she says what i personally think about the situation. i also vaguely referenced her own troubles, so if you can spot that, you're amazing.
> 
> the alana apology was another bit of a character study for alana (my bad lmao), in that she thinks she does stuff wrong all the time but no one ever tells her what she's doing "wrong" and also most people treat her like garbage. she deserves better and i love her very much.
> 
> evan's birthday is march 3rd because in the book he's a pisces and for some reason that date stuck out to me.
> 
> we get love confessions! and truth bombs! and, honestly, what kind of monster would i be if they didn't confess their love for each other in the most dramatic "them" way possible? 
> 
> and! "the me i am is not the me i was" comes directly from the book, which is one of my favorite lines i've ever read and i had to use it. it is not mine and i can't possibly take credit for it.
> 
> and that's it. it's finished and it's the longest thing i've ever written and i'm so incredibly proud of it. thank you all for reading and commenting and liking and everything that you do. it seriously means the universe to me. and, maybe if the demand is high enough, i might write a bit more? like another fic, a lot more fluff and happiness. maybe, i don't know, we'll see!
> 
> regardless, thank you again for everything. i would not be me without the help and support of you. i also seriously have not cried this much in a long time, so that's fun. thank you, thank you, thank you <3
> 
> and please take care of yourselves. i know that it's hard, but there is always light, always hope. you just have to keep climbing <3
> 
> also! if you want to follow me on tumblr i'm either: https://whiry.tumblr.com/ or https://provokiing.tumblr.com/ ! (i'm more active on provokiing, but i constantly check the tags for both names just in case anything pops up; also a lot of my content on there is a mod-podge of whatever i like so prepare yourselves for that (and, lastly, i don't use tumblr too much so like my theme is kinda wack and i need to fix my tags and etc etc etc, but, still, follow me if you'd like!!)


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